(864): If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
(954): You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
(517): he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
(231): better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
(401): The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
(416): If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
(207): I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
(631): If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
(316): I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
(785): He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
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