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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Duck, Duck, Goose

For some reason the idea to write an opinion piece about Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson’s comments to GQ popped into my head near Midnight two days before Christmas. The horse has been beat near to death but some momentary thought that was clear for a fleeing moment sparked my interest enough.

This isn’t about gays. This isn’t about blacks. This is about Christianity.

Why would a substantial sum of individuals living in a country that had never elected a non-Christian president be so offended about a public figure reaffirming, however unskillfully, that he believes in principles outlined in the Bible?

Because while we are a country that wants our public figures, our representatives, our leaders to have faith – that’s all we want them to have.

Call if comfy Christianity - the kind of Christianity in the good news section of the local paper or the night time news. The terminally sick child that is now well after his community prayed. The local church that traveled to a community struck by disaster to lend a helping hand or the starlet in a Hollywood movie that had faith she’d find her one and only.

How many of the people who claim to be outraged at the treatment if Phil Robertson would make the same type of public statements tomorrow, even if the consequences were not the same? How many teachers, lawyers or factory workers would walk into their workplace tomorrow and give an impassioned justification of why homosexuality is a sin even if they knew their employment would not be threatened? My theory is that there would not be many. It’s not pleasant conversation.

And it’s not the same as telling people at your workplace that you agree with Phil Robertson. Or Pat Robertson. Or Ted Cruz. These types of declarations are easy fodder for a quick water cooler conversation, recognition that you are well aware of the latest overblown political event and that you fall on one side of the argument, usually the one that is most popular in that part of the county, red or blue. And they’re usually made to people who either agree with the outlook or wouldn’t object if they didn’t.

But telling your coworkers how you feel A&E is wrong for suspending Phil Robertson  isn’t the same as explaining to them why you feel gay marriage is wrong. Complaining that the liberal media is attacking Christianity isn’t the same as explaining why abortion is murder.

People like to hear that your church’s youth group built houses in New Orleans but when you go in detail about how “the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers —(they) won’t inherit the kingdom of God,” you’re likely to get a polite nod as they scamper away and try to escape back to the refuge or work. Lest be stuck talking to the Jesus freak.

Why do the people stray for those theological discussions? Why do we as a society govern religion out of school and the workplace when, at the same time, the idea of the US electing a Jewish, or a Muslim president is so improbable, and the idea of electing an agnostic or atheist seems so impossible? And a cable TV star can be suspended for talking about what’s in the Bible.

Maybe it’s because we want that comfy Christianity. We want the better parts of Christianity to be the bigger parts of Christianity. The doctrine of the Bible will not change but society wants to have the same feeling about God that we have watching the uplifting stories on the news without constantly focusing on the few points that seem to put us at opposite ends of an argument.

As brave as many feel Phil Robertson was for telling GQ what he thought about gay marriage it was much braver what Pope Francis said in an interview in September.

“It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time. The dogmatic and moral teachings of the church are not all equivalent. The church’s pastoral ministry cannot be obsessed with the transmission of a disjointed multitude of doctrines to be imposed insistently. We have to find a new balance, otherwise even the moral edifice of the church is likely to fall like a house of cards, losing the freshness and fragrance of the Gospel.”

It’s pretty comfy not sitting by the Jesus freak.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

College Football Picks Week 2

One week of picks in the book and if you rolled with me last week then you're already a winner. Sure, I only went 8-7 but it was a solid 8-7. With the exception of whiffing big on Auburn/Wazzu, Boise/Washington and Miss State/Okie State I looked almost knowlegable. And as Bo Pelini would say this is easily improvable. We shall see.

Here's this week's games. My picks are in bold.

South Florida at Michigan State -24 Nobody circles the wagons like the South Florida Bulls. Well, until the wheels come off. Willie Taggart may have done great things at Western Kentucky but losing to McNeese State 53-21 shows he has a lot of work to do or that he's not as good as his bio. Even Andrew Maxwell is licking his chops to play the Bulls. MSU romps in this one.

Western Kentucky at Tennessee -14 Speaking of Western Kentucky, the Hilltoppers have lost no ground after Taggart's departure with a solid win against Kentucky last week. Bobby Petrino is staying off the motorbikes and the females for now. Can he keep it within two touchdowns against the Vols? Why not? I'll take the points.

San Diego State at Ohio State -29.5 Unless Eastern Illinois is the Ohio Valley's version of a BCS buster then the Aztecs have taken a huge step back since Brady Hoke left. Expect Urban Meyer to give Hoke's old school a festive shot to the chops. A 30 point win should be no problem.

Oregon -24 at Virginia A 19-16 win against BYU is a nice start to the season for Virginia but its not much of a warm up for what's heading to town. Oregon wasn't lavished with much love for whopping Nicholls State last week. The Ducks will want something to brag about. I'll give the 24.

South Carolina at Georgia -3 I picked against the team from the Palmetto state last week when it played Georgia. I won't make the same mistake again. Expect Connor Shaw to do just enough to complement what should be another decent night for Mike Davis and the Gamecock defense will present a stiffer challenge than the Dawgs faced kast week. I'll take the 3 points.

Southern Mississippi at Nebraska -29.5 Nebraska pretty much ruined what should have been a great college football Saturday for me last week. The Huskers won't do the same this week and it won't be due to improved defensive play. I just refuse to be fooled again. Southern Miss may have dropped a home game to Texas State last week but until I see any different the Blackshirts give me enough reason to take the opponent, especially when given almost 30 points.

Louisiana Lafayette at Kansas State -10.5 I can't say I was upset to see the Wildcats get beat by a FCS team led by a former Husker but don't expect that to continue. This week's opponent Louisiana Lafayette gave up a big day to another quarterback trying to find his way in Arkansas' Brandon Allen. Expect KSU passer Jake Waters to find his football and cut down on the picks. I'll give the points.

Texas -7.5 at BYU Some home dogs made me look foolish last week but my old pals the Longhorns will win back some of my credability this week. I'll take Texas even though Mack was too stupid to take Jameis Winston.

UAB at LSU -36 LSU looked pretty damn impressive against the Horned Frogs in Dallas last week. Now its time for the letdown game. Relax Tigers, that just means not hanging half a hundred on a UAB squad that fough hard against Troy last week on the road. I'll take the big spread and the Blazers.

West Virginia at Oklahoma -21 Oklahoma started off the Trevor Knight era with a solid win against a Louisiana Monroe squad that snuck up on some teams last season. West Virginia outlasted William & Mary at home with a TD with three minutes to play. One of these things is not like the other. The Mountaineers will struggle to stop Oklahoma and without Geno Smith, I'm not sure if West Virginia can keep up on offense.

 Arkansas State at Auburn -13 I had Auburn pegged for a better squad than the one that edged out Mike Leach's Wazzu squad. The Tigers were saved by some timely interceptions but the story was when Leach had the Cougs run the ball. Washington State running backs Teondray Caldwell and Marcus Mason averaged 7.6 and 7.2 yards per rush, respectively. Arkansas State is currently the top running offense in the nation after blistering Arkansas Pine Bluff for 509 yards rushing. I'll take the Red Wolves and the points. 

Washington State at USC -16.5 Washington State played well against Auburn but USC's top line talent and a defense that looked improved against Hawaii should tell the real story. Phil Steele believes the Trojans are still one of the top teams in college football. I'll buy what he's selling for now and I'll give the points.

Notre Dame at Michigan -4.5 Both teams enter this game with legitimate reasons for optimism with promising opening game wins. Michigan sports a new look pro-style offense that got good games out of its skill position talent a week ago. Notre Dame has one of the formidable defensive lines in college football. This one will be close but Michigan's defense has progressed well enough to be able to shut down Tommy Rees and force a weakened Irish ground game to pace the team. I'll take Michigan and give the points.

Florida -3.5 at Miami Florida's defense once again looked like one of the best in the country last week, holding Toledo to 205 total yards. This week will be a tougher challenge as my Heisman dark horse Duke Johnson announced himself against FAU with 186 yards on 19 carries. Miami's defense was a liability at times last season and Florida running back Mack Brown has stepped up as a nice addition to take some pressure off QB Jeff Driskel. I'd love to take the home dog here but I think Florida is the safer play.

Syracuse at Northwestern -12 Syracuse showed some fight in a tough road loss to a B1G team last week. Expect that trend to continue. I've got to go with the Fighting Fitzys.

College Football TV Schedule

Thursday, September 5
7:00 p.m. Florida Atlantic at East Carolina - FXS1
Friday, September 6
7:00 p.m. Wake Forest at Boston College - ESPN2
7:00 p.m. Central Florida at Florida International - CBSSN
Saturday, September 7
11:00 a.m. Florida at Miami - ESPN
11:00 a.m. South Florida at Michigan State - ESPN2
11:00 a.m. Eastern Michigan at Penn State - BTN
11:00 a.m. Oklahoma State at UTSA - FXS1
11:00 a.m. South Carolina State at Clemson - NESN
11:00 a.m. Western Kentucky at Tennessee - MSG/MYTV16
11:00 a.m. Houston at Temple - SNY
11:00 a.m. Miami (Ohio) at Kentucky - FSOH
11:00 a.m. Southeastern Louisiana at TCU - FSSW

2:30 p.m. San Diego State at Ohio State - ABC/ESPN2
2:30 p.m. Oregon at Virginia - ABC/ESPN2
2:30 p.m. Toledo at Missouri - ESPNU
2:30 p.m. Buffalo at Baylor - FSSW/MSG+
2:30 p.m. Utah State at Air Force - CBSSN
2:30 p.m. Alcorn State at Mississippi - CSN
3:00 p.m. Old Dominion at Maryland - ESPNEWS
3:00 p.m. Idaho at Wyoming - RTRM
3:30 p.m. South Carolina at Georgia - ESPN
 5:00 p.m. Syracuse at Northwestern - BTN
5:00 p.m. Southern Mississippi at Nebraska - BTNa
5:30 p.m. Louisiana Lafayette at Kansas State - FXS1
6:00 p.m. Texas at BYU - ESPN2
6:00 p.m. UAB at LSU - ESPNU
6:00 p.m. West Virginia at Oklahoma - FOX
6:00 p.m. Colorado State at Tulsa - CBSSN
6:00 p.m. Stephen F Austin at Texas Tech - MSG+
6:30 p.m. Austin Peay at Vanderbilt - CSN
6:30 p.m. Arkansas State at Auburn - FSOH
7:00 p.m. Notre Dame at Michigan - ESPN
9:30 p.m. Washington State at USC - FXS1
9:30 p.m. Arizona at UNLV - CBSSN

Thursday, August 29, 2013

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

College Football Picks Week 1

Here's your Week 1 Picks college football picks. If you bet with me you must be crazy, desperate, hammered or all the above. A fool and his money are soon to part but if you're dead set on blowing your money then I will be your enabler. This week is odd for me. I generally like the home dogs but I continually when against them when picking this week and as bad as I was last season that might not be a bad thing.

My picks are bold.

North Carolina at South Carolina -12.5 Larry Fedora started the trend of talented coaches making their way up the ranks after a start at Okie State. He's an up and comer who may be the man to fix the Tarheels but it isn't happening Game 1. Add Bryn Renner to the list of quarterbacks who will fear Mr. Clowney.

Texas Tech -6.5 at SMU Can Kliffy start things off with a one touchdown win? He better or things are about to get messy in Lubbock. I'll take Tech by 7.

Georgia -2 at Clemson I really like Clemson's squad but I've got them pulling a Clemson right out of the gate. I just like Georgia's two headed monster at running back and Aaron Murrary will be able to manage a big game scenario. Georgia will make the SEC look good in Week 1 and Clemson will rebound and finish 10-1.

Alabama -20.5 vs. Virginia Tech You know why Nick Saban is so good in bowl games? Because if you give him a month to prepare then its Game Over even before it starts. Much has been made about the Hokies finishing last season strong but those late season games were against some paltry opponents. Expect the Tide to roll large even with the big spread.

LSU -5.5 vs. TCU I may be reading too much into what is probably no more than a self serving decision but I think Les Miles may have outsmarted Gary Patterson in the whole Jeremy Hill kerfuffle. No you've got guys in Fort Worth asking if they think the non-suspension of an oppoising player is fair. Not to mention they've already got to deal with the distraction of their possibly now sober quarterback and some random Johnny Football questions. LSU will rally around Miles whether Hill plays or not. I like LSU in about a 10 point game.

Mississippi State vs. Oklahoma State -13 I was actually planning on going to this game in Reliant Stadium but I forgot I have my fantasy football drafts this weekend. Oklahoma State is definitely the better team but the growing pains of the developing defense and the revolving quarterbacks are going to make this interesting. I'll take Mississippi State and the points.

USC -23.5 at Hawaii Last year in Southern California the Trojans beat Hawaii by 39. The Warriors couldn't get things together and went 3-9 in 2012. Norm Chow is familiar with Lane Kiffin as the two have both served as Pete Carroll's offensive coordinator but Kiffin has Marqise Lee on his side and Chow has zilch. USC is going to play both quarterbacks, Max Wittek and Cody Kessler, which could present a problem for the offense but nothing big enough for Hawaii to take advantage of. USC wins big again.

Penn State -8 vs. Syracuse Syracuse is sporting a new look this year as former DC Scott Shafer takes over as head coach with Doug Marrone taking over the Buffalo Bills (Marrone may wish he could go back now). Both teams will be starting new quarterbacks. In fact, Penn State will not announce its starter before Saturday so whoever trots out for the Nittany Lions will be a surprise but at least whoever he is will have Allen Robinson as a target. Advantage PSU. Bill O'Brien seems to get the best out of his guys. At this point I don't know if that is the case for Scott Shafer. I'll give Syracuse the 8.

BYU -1 at Virginia No pick em's this week but this is the closest thing to one. It's a matchup of two teams sporting new coordinators. BYU replaced its offensive coordinator in the offseason and Virginia replaced both its OC and DC. I'll take the team that only replaced one coordinator and the one whose coach is named Bronco. BYU wins on the road.

Northern Illinois at Iowa -3 Three reasons to take North Illinois here. One, the Huskies keep cranking out big time stat, dual threat quarterbacks and have another one back this year in Jordan Lynch. Two, Iowa is always one of those teams that struggles with a directional school in the first week and three, Iowa sort of sucks in general right now. Northern Illinois is the team I feel best about this week so inevitably it won't happen but I'm picking it anyway.

Louisiana Monroe at Oklahoma -21 Big Game Bobby Stoops picked Trevor Knight to be the next QB to lead the Sooners and never has he made a poor decision there. But will the new guy struggle Game 1? It could happen. Louisiana Monroe beat Arkansas is the first game of 2012 and put some fear into Auburn and Baylor in the following two weeks, which is hinesite doesn't seem as impressive. I'll take Oklahoma and give the 21 points, one of which at least will be a Belldozer TD run.

Washington State at Auburn -16 A matchup of offensive geniuses. This game would have been amazing if both were still coaching the best incarnations of their best teams. But it's a stalled Cougar program vs. a rebuilding War Eagle group. I'll give Guz Malzahn the edge because many of the Auburn players are actually guys he was involved in recruiting as the former OC, while Mike Leach is still sorting out which of his players he should start or lock in a shed. I've got Auburn by three touchdowns.

Boise State at Washington -3 Pardon an extremely tired cliche but this is the game where the rubber meets the road for the Steve Sarkisian era at Washington. The Huskies have a rabid fan base that will be watching this game in a very swanky new stadium. Boise State is obviously the best non AQ program in the country but if Washington wants to take the step toward competing for conference titles and finishing in the Top 25 then it has to win this game. It won't and the final chapters of Sarkisian will start being penned.

Northwestern -5.5 at California Another home dog, another road team I'm picking. Pat Fitzgerald is a great coach that has a good group coming back, including two impressive quarterbacks and a burner at running back. Sonny Dykes may help California rebound during his tenure but this a one TD win should be in the bag for the Wildcats.

Florida State -10.5 at Pittsburgh Jimbo Fisher finally shared the worst kept secret in college football when he announced that Jameis Winston would be the new starting QB for the Noles this week. Last season Pitt dropped the season opener to Youngstown State. Things won't be that bad this season but even a Florida State team trying to replace 11 NFL Draft picks can beat the Panthers by 12. I like FSU giving 11.5

Good luck. As Frank Reynolds would say...

YouTube Video of the Day

Time for college football!

College Football TV Schedule

Lot of good games to watch kiddos!

Thursday, August 29
5:00 p.m.     North Carolina at South Carolina ESPN
6:00 p.m.     UNLV at Minnesota BTN
6:00 p.m.     Tulsa at Bowling Green ESPNU
7:00 p.m.     Utah State at Utah FXS1
8:15 p.m.     Mississippi at Vanderbilt ESPN
9:30 p.m.     Rutgers at Fresno State ESPNU
10:00 p.m.    USC at Hawaii CBSSN

Friday, August 30
7:00 p.m.     Western Michigan at Michigan State BTN
7:00 p.m.      Florida Athletic at Miami ESPNU
7:00 p.m.      Texas Tech at SMU ESPN
7:30 p.m.      North Dakota State at Kansas State FXS1

Saturday, August 31
11:00 a.m.     Villanova at Boston College         ESPNEWS
11:00 a.m.     Purdue at Cincinnati ESPNU
11:00 a.m.     Buffalo at Ohio State ESPN2
11:00 a.m.     Massachusetts at Wisconsin         BTN
11:00 a.m.     William & Mary at West Virginia         FXS1
11:00 a.m.      Toledo at Florida MNT16
11:30 a.m.      Florida International at Maryland         FSSW
11:30 a.m.      Louisiana Tech at N.C. State         ACC
12:00 p.m.      Rice at Texas A&M ESPN
2:00 p.m.       Utah State at Utah FCSP
2:00 p.m.       Colgate at Air Force RTNW
2:30 p.m.       Temple at Notre Dame NBC
2:30 p.m.       Mississippi State at Oklahoma State ABC
2:30 p.m.       Penn State at Syracuse ESPN2
2:30 p.m.       BYU at Virginia ESPNU
2:30 p.m.       Central Michigan at Michigan BTN
3:00 p.m.       Nicholls State at Oregon FXS1
3:00 p.m.       Louisiana Lafayette at Arkansas FSSW
4:30 p.m.       Alabama at Virginia Tech ESPN
6:00 p.m.      Washington State at Auburn ESPNU
6:00 p.m.       Kentucky at Western Kentucky ESPNEWS
6:00 p.m.      Miami (OH) at Marshall CBSSN
6:00 p.m.      Old Dominion at East Carolina FCSA
6:30 p.m.      Wofford at Baylor FCSC
7:00 p.m.      Georgia at Clemson ABC
7:00 p.m.      New Mexico State at Texas LHN
7:00 p.m.      Wyoming at Nebraska BTN
8:00 p.m.       LSU vs. TCU ESPN
9:00 p.m.       Boise State at Washington FXS1
9:30 p.m.       Northwestern at California ESPN2

Sunday, Sept. 1
2:30 p.m.      Ohio at Louisville ESPN
5:00 p.m.      Colorado vs. Colorado State CBSSN

Monday, Sept. 2
7:00 p.m.      Florida State at Pittsburgh ESPN

Group Text Moment of the Day

College football is here!

Don't Hassle the Hoff (or steal his signs)

WFSB 3 Connecticut

Sounds like this clerk is either overly dedicated to his job or he’s the biggest David Hasselhoff fan in the history of the world. It’s terrible that the victim is in critical condition over an event as trivial as this.

You think the Cumberland Farms could have just ordered a few extra signs. Putting a Hoff sign in front of your store is like tapping a keg at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. There’s no way it’s not getting taken.

But now you have some dummies who were almost assuredly drunk or high facing some stiff charges all because they were dumb enough to drag a clerk behind their car.

Of course, if the thieves would have been driving Kip then he would have shut off the engine, foiling the getaway and protecting the driver but unfortunately, Kip isn’t real.

P.S. - Kind of reminds me of the mailbox shootout from Dazed and Confused.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

If only those pants were as supportive as the child support

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

Ear Aches and Cottonmouth Do Not Mix

Officials: Little known locally about earwax marijuana

By Marie F. Estrada/Times-Herald staff writer

Two minutes after taking a five-second hit from a vaporizer, Josh felt the effects of the earwax marijuana rushing over him.

"I felt like I was gonna die," the 17-year-old recalled. "The movie we were watching started to look 3-D. I kept seeing lights."

What the others in the group Josh was with had failed to tell him when they offered the drug to him, was that earwax marijuana can include up to 90 percent THC.

In short, it's highly hallucinogenic. And, knowledgeable sources say, it can be very dangerous to certain people.

Officials on Solano County's Alcohol and Drug Advisory board, say they know little about earwax marijuana -- its nickname derived from its appearance -- or its potential dangers.

The night Josh was under the drug's influence, someone telephoned Rhonda, Josh's grandmother. She picked him up and drove him to the hospital -- where his hands were handcuffed to the bed rails and he was later arrested. 

(Josh and Rhonda agreed to be interviewed for this article under the condition that certain details of Josh's experience the night he tried earwax be excluded.)

The effects of the drug didn't end with Josh's arrest. The earwax was so intense that Josh's high lasted three days, all of which he spent in juvenile hall.

A year of probation and $7,000 in fines later, Josh is just beginning to get over the experience.

Despite this, most teenagers are unaware that a high THC content in their bodies can have short- and long-lasting detrimental effects on their bodies and their lives.

Christie DeClue, a Solano County Alcohol and Drug Advisory board member, said marijuana has come a long way from the days of hippies and disco.

"In the 1970s, (people) were primarily smoking the leaves of the plant," DeClue said "Now users are smoking (the more potent) buds of the plant."

What disturbed Rhonda the most was not that the earwax exists -- but that the recipes are so easy to find -- and not one video explains the high THC content or potential risks.

Donald Poston, Josh's former counselor, said the substance is fairly easy to make, but can be incredibly dangerous.

"The earwax is made with aerosol butane and the resin of the leaves and buds of the female plants. The result is a yellow-green waxy material," Poston said.

A substance abuse counselor for Youth and Family Services of Solano County in Fairfield, Poston said Josh was the first person he met who had tried the drug.

Since then, it has been coming up more in group meetings with other juveniles.

The consensus? It is too strong.

On June 17, CBS Detroit reported two people have been sent to the hospital in Detroit after using earwax.
In the article, reporter Sandra McNeill wrote the two 36-year-olds -- both medical marijuana patients -- suffered episodes of psychosis.

Sorry for the long story but that was quite an interesting read.

Who are the scientists toiling away in the lab coming up with different potent strains of marijuana? Don’t get me wrong, I believe there’s nothing wrong with dope or medicinal marijuana being legal but if the geniuses who were coming up with earwax marijuana plied their trade a bit better then we might have a cure for cancer instead of stronger weed to ease the symptoms with.

And what is up with kids these days? Is weed and booze just not good enough anymore? Now they have to dip their weed in ear wax and get so bombed that they lose their freaking minds for half a week. Between bath salts, meth and earwax weed I think the youth of the nation might be permanently checking out, aside from momentarily dipping back into consciousness to watch Miley Cyrus twerk.

What will they come up with next? My bet is on dingleberry acid.

P.S. - My mind is working overtime to think what that kid could have done that was so embarrassing that the writer agreed not to print in. I'm guessing it wasn't as cool as shouting "I'm a golden god" on a rooftop. I'm guessing he just shit his pants.

YouTube Video of the Day

They're Playing Basketball (and formally divorcing their wives)

Secret hearing marks end of Duncans' union


San Antonio Spurs star Tim Duncan's marriage is officially over.

In an unusual and secret hearing Tuesday that didn't even occur at the Bexar County Courthouse, state District Judge David A. Canales granted the divorce between Duncan and his college sweetheart, Amy.

The judge later told the San Antonio Express-News that he held the hearing during his lunch hour at the offices of Tim Duncan's lawyer, Sue Hall, at her request. The couple and their lawyers were present.

Several court observers saw the special request as unusual given that so-called “home” visits by judges are not normally afforded to the general public.

“I would say it's highly unusual, but I think it would be highly disruptive for them to come to court,” said attorney Jean Brown, who practices family law.

Canales said it wasn't out of the ordinary for a judge to hold an on-the-record hearing off-site, though it was the first time he has been asked to do it.

Notice of the hearing appeared nowhere on any public docket. Canales said that when a judge gets an agreement in a divorce case, it is not necessary to give public notice of a hearing.

He added that the parties felt uncomfortable coming to court because of the possible “paparazzi” factor — people taking pictures of them or asking for autographs.

“I don't see it as doing a special favor for the sake of a favor,” Canales said. “These folks were involved in a very private matter. It was mainly for privacy.”

Details of the divorce, such as the division of assets and which parent gets custody of their two children, were not immediately released.

The filings, which used only their initials, were first reported in the Express-News as part of a series examining the increasing number of cases in which parties are identified only by initials, and how the process toes the line of legal bounds.

Why is it so important for the details of Tim Duncan’s divorce to be kept quiet? Sure, privacy and all, but why are official documents redacted with only initials listed instead of names?

There were the gay rumors that leaked on the internet a month or so ago but that can’t be it. That news isn’t big enough to have the Bexar county government locking down information more effectively than the CIA.

The truth – Tim Duncan is a robot. That’s why he showed no signs of slowing down last season and that’s why he never has anything interesting to say. Whoever “raised” him in the Virgin Islands actually created him in a lab using the skin and muscles of a recently deceased man whose jaw was unable to close properly and a super computer programmed only with basketball knowledge and the verbal skills of an average eight-year-old.

It’s either that he’s some type of jungle bigfoot that was shaved down and taught to speak in choppy sentences. There’s fishy something going on.

Group Text Moment of the Day

One More Day Until College Football

Are we ready for college football? Hell yeah!

But just in case, I’ve got you covered. Actually, Athlon Sports has you covered. Why would you listen to me? You wouldn’t hire a clown to fix a leak in the john, would ya?

But here’s a link to the 100 best college football related Twitter accounts because those athletes post some stupid stuff that gets them in trouble. You don’t want to be the last one at the bar to know what Johnny Football, do ya?

And for your viewing please here are Bleacher Report Top 10 Hottest College Football fan bases in no particular order. I don’t trust their reportage but they can post some hot pictures. Texas Tech only at #23? Texas at #1 Boo!

Arizona State



Florida State






West Virginia

Wal Mart Person of the Day

How many cheetahs had to die?

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, while baking, I was joined by my roommate who doesn't really cook. I was making a batch of dough and she volunteered to help. After showing her how to knead, she really got into it. Afterwards, I asked why she wanted to help. "It really cleans my nails", she said. FML

BYB Top 25 Countdown - #1 Alabama Crimson Tide

Alabama RB T.J. Yeldon

It’s impossible to take a look at Alabama’s roster and not see the talented that makes it a consensus choice for the preseason top spot. A.J. McCarron returns at quarterback and is as poised and as good a game manager as any quarterback in college football.

T.J. Yeldon may be the most talented back Alabama has had in the Nick Saban and will definitely be a first round NFL draft pick next spring. Amari Cooper is as dangerous a threat at receiver as Alabama has had since Julio Jones and is the face of a deep and talented wide receiver corps.

The offensive line, while only returning two starters, is nasty in the trenches. Cyrus Kouandijio will be the next in the rotation line of NFL caliber Tide offensive linemen.

Looking at the Crimson Tide’s defensive rankings from a season ago you see a lot of 1’s, as in the best nationally in rush defense, total defense and scoring defense, allowing only 10.9 points per game. Bama wasn’t too shabby against the pass either, finishing seventh nationally.

The defense will have some new faces this season but at the peak point of its dynasty Alabama is simply plugging in a different hungry five star recruit to begin his assault against SEC offenses.

Stinson returns at defensive end and had 8.5 tackles for a loss in 2012. Bama brings back all four of its starting linebackers in its 3-4 alignment, including All-SEC favorite C.J. Mosley.

In the secondary Alabama brings back one of the best safeties and the best name in the SEC in Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. The Tide should be laughing at opposing offenses all season. I have Alabama at 11-0-1.

YouTube Video of the Day

This video has been out for more than a week. You get it today. I may not break news but nothing falls through the cracks...except most stuff.

We Can't Stop? Please Try Harder

I didn’t know furries were a thing until that episode of Entourage when that lady gave Turtle a furry costume and told him to come over for sex. Then he predictably wimped out and Johnny Drama donned the furry suit.

As terrible as that scene was and as terrible as that show turned out to be, it was award worthy compared to what happened in the video above.

First of all, giant stuffed animals are creepy. Is anime porn that big of a thing that a platinum recording artist would base an entire routine on it at an awards show?

Now on the jaw dropping part. We’ve all known Miley Cyrus has a thing for twerking for a while. What we didn’t know by the helpful use of full length stretch pants was how odd her ass looks when she does it. There was pretty much no coverture in that ass whatsoever.

Now as I the most qualified critic? No, I’m technically an obese drunk with average grooming habits. But I know my limits. You’re not gonna see me rocking any muscle tees or skinny jeans. So Miley, stick to the long britches or get ass implants. Or don’t. Who am I kidding? I don’t care. More than anything last night taught me that I’m officially an old man now. I didn’t watch a second of the VMAs, which would have been appointment TV for me in my teens.

And yes, I know the Family Smith was reacting to Lady Gaga and not Miley in the shot above. But that doesn’t fit the narrative this story is going after. So as far I’m concerned they had the same reaction to Miley and it just didn’t get caught on tape. Nobody could see pancake ass like that gyrating around and not drop the jaw. Or at least scrunch your face up.

P.S. – What was Robin Thicke wearing? Did he steal the Hamburglar’s suit and cinch it up? He looked like a cross between Vanilla Ice and Beetlejuice. As goofy as he looks I do kind of enjoy that song.

Group Text Moment of the Day

Billshit! (Tuel Not the Right Tool for the Job)

Things finally were looking up for the Bills. C.J. Spiller is recognized as one of the best backs in the league, the Bills’ rookie receivers have played well and E.J. Manuel was showing signs that he deserved to be the top quarterback taken in the NFL Draft.

And if Manuel didn’t pan out immediately with Manuel the Bills still had a guy to bridge the gap in Kevin Kolb.

This post isn’t about E.J. Manuel or Kevin Kolb, it’s about Jeff Tuel, an undrafted free agent quarterback from Washington State who, barring an unbelievably quick recovery from Manuel, will be the opening game starter for the Bills. Against the Patriots.

A part-time starter who finished ninth in the Pac 12 in passing and had to battle his way off the bench after a falling out with Mike Leach is going to go up against the NFL’s most consistently winning franchise of the last 20 years. He hasn’t had a game this big since Mike Leach bobblehead night.

Bills fans are hopeful Manuel returns by Game 2 at the latest and Tuel will refocus his attention on holding off the newly acquired Matt Leinart and Thaddeus Lewis, which after staring down Vince Wilfork should be much less daunting.

The take home point – it sucks to be a Bills fan and it sucks to be Kevin Kolb right now. He may never be the Bills starter but hopefully he fully recovers from what is said to be a pretty nasty concussion. It certainly looked that way.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

That's a nice bra sir.

They're Playing Basketball! (and hiding out in hotels)

Agent: Lamar Odom not missing news services

Free-agent forward Lamar Odom is in a Los Angeles hotel, where friends are trying to get him help for an unspecified drug problem, a source told ESPN on Monday.

The information comes after Odom's agent refuted a TMZ report Sunday that his client had been missing for 72 hours after a dispute with his wife, Khloe Kardashian.

Agent Jeff Schwartz would not reveal Odom's whereabouts, telling's Marc Stein earlier Monday: "Lamar is not missing. His wife knows exactly where he is."

TMZ also reported that people close to Odom feared that he was involved with drugs.

Kardashian reacted angrily on Twitter to ongoing speculation about her husband, saying: "Really hard to sit here and listen to people talk s--- about my family."

Without disclosing further specifics, Schwartz added: "Playing in the NBA is still very much a part of Lamar's plans."

Odom spent last season with the Los Angeles Clippers and has been pursued in free agency this summer by the Clippers and Los Angeles Lakers.

The wedded bliss of power couple Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian has been a Back Yard Blog favorite topic for years. Ever since The Candy Man and Miss Piggy started their relationship they’ve given us classic moments like awkward interviews and broken sex swings.

Now the sad tale of a player who once seemed destined for great success has devolved into drug use and disappearing into L.A.’s underbelly. A belly that has claimed starts than his sister-in-law’s baby bump has claimed Kanye.

Watching this play out the next few weeks should be quite interesting. Will the Kardashian/Jenner clan be able to pull Lamar out of the Chateau Marmont? Is he hanging out with Amanda Bynes? When did he put down the Krackel and pick up the crack?

There may only be one way to find Lamar – a golden ticket to the Willy Wonka factory. Someone get Gene Wilder on the phone.

Also, if missing person status was determined by play on the court one could make the case Odom has been missing since 2011.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I had a group presentation. I kept zipping my jacket up and down nervously. As I waited for my turn, I realized a bunch of classmates staring at me. I forgot that in the morning rush, I only put on a jacket. I only had a bra on underneath. FML

BYB Top 25 Countdown - #2 Oregon Ducks

Oregon QB Marcus Mariota

While much has been made about the loss of Chip Kelly to the NFL not near enough has been said about what still remains at Oregon. While Kelly was responsible for taking former coach Mike Bellotti’s blueprint for a house and building a mansion in its place, his best contractor Mark Helfrich is fully capable of continuing to build the Oregon program.

Helfrich, the offensive coordinator in 2012, assumes control of machine powered by Nike money that continues to churn out talented quarterbacks, standout running backs and NFL caliber defenders. New offensive coordinator Scott Frost inherits an offensive unit led by returning starter Marcus Mariota, who in one season at the helm, eclipsed what many of his predecessors had accomplished in a single season, passing for 2,677 yards and 32 TDs and rushing for 752 yards and five TDs.

Mariota is joined by all-purpose nightmare De’Anthony Thomas, who had 1,757 total yards and 18 TDs in 2012, making an impact at running back, receiver and in the return game. Byron Marshall will accept some of the rushing chores left from Kenjon Barner’s move to the NFL.

Aside from Thomas, Mariota will also have three returning starters at receiver, Josh Huff, Keanon Lowe and Daryle Hawkins and a returning tight end Colt Lyerla as targets. The line returns line starters from 2012 and the two new faces on the starting line are seniors.

The Ducks return seven starters on a balanced defense that finished in the middle of the pack against the run and pass but were 25th nationally in scoring defense, giving up 21.6 points per game.

Oregon should improve a passing defense that finished 56th nationally with the return of all four defensive backs from last season. The team also has depth and experience along the defensive line which should be able to produce the departed Dion Jordan’s productivity.

Before breaking down the schedule fully I thought Stanford was the better choice for Pac 12 North champ but Oregon’s schedule breaks down nicely.

The matchup in Palo Alto Nov. 7 should be for the division and although a road game at Washington presents a hostile environment I can’t see the Ducks losing to any team other than Stanford. I have Oregon at 11-0-1.

YouTube Video of the Day

The only thing the Cubs have to be proud of this year.

Fork: Australian for Sex Toy

Man, 70, gets fork stuck in penis

By QMI Agency

An elderly Australian man ended up in hospital after he jammed an entire 10 cm fork inside his penis for "sexual gratification."

The bizarre medical emergency at Canberra Hospital was outlined in a paper in the International Journal of Surgery Case Reports.

"A 70-year-old man presents to the emergency department with a bleeding urethral meatus following self-insertion of a fork into the urethra to achieve sexual gratification. Multiple retrieval methods were contemplated with success achieved via forceps traction and copious lubrication," the paper reads.

The paper goes on to muse on the "immemorial" problem of men getting things stuck in their penises. "The practice manifests primarily during states of pathological masturbation, substance abuse and intoxication and as a result of psychological compounders. Autoerotic stimulation with the aid of self-inserted urethral foreign bodies has been existent since time immemorial and have presented an unusual but known presentation to urologists."

Despite this surprisingly well-documented problem, the authors note that: "the case ... of a penile urethral fork is a rarity."

This is what happens when you’re too broke to buy Levitra. Instead of sitting in his and hers outdoor bathtubs and watching the sunset with your silver haired angel of a wife you end up jamming a fork in your peephole to get yourself going.

The physician breakdown of how men end up getting things stuck in their urethras is so insightful. By stating that this happens during “states of pathological masturbation, substance abuse and intoxication and as a result of psychological compounders” the Australian doctors are actually saying that you have to either be constantly horny, drunk or high off your ass or just plain crazy to go jamming things in your johnson.

I just hope when this geezer strolled in they said, “That’s not a fork. This is a fork!”

But who am I to judge some ancient Aussie? As the old refrain tells us:

“The world don't move to the beat of just one drum.
What might be right for you, may not be right for some.
Cause it takes,
Diff'rent strokes to move the world,
yes it does.
It takes,
Diff'rent strokes to move the world!”

Unfortunately this guy probably won’t be making any different strokes down under anytime soon.

Group Text Moment of the Day

Quarterback battles and back grammar. Staples of this group text.

BYB Top 25 Countdown - #3 Ohio State Buckeyes

OSU QB Braxton Miller

Urban Meyer may be under fire for giving players second chances (and third and fourth chances) but no one is questioning his ability to get the best out of the behaviorally challenged gang he puts on the field.

Before Meyer got to Columbus the Buckeyes were the subject of an NCAA investigation that resulted in Jim Tressel’s firing and a one year bowl ban, and had just suffered through a 6-7 season under overmatched interim coach Luke Fickell. A year later Ohio State is coming off a 12-0 season and returns 15 starters, including one of the best quarterbacks in college football in Braxton Miller.

Miller will be the focal point for an offense that also showcases two potential All-Conference performers at wideout with Corey Brown and Devin Smith and a talented stable of backs.

Running back Carlos Hyde will miss the first three games of the season after an offseason allegation of abuse against a female club patron gained national attention at the same time Meyer was being publicly tongue lashed about recruiting and enabling troublemakers, including alleged murderer Aaron Hernandez. In his stead Miller can hand off to speedster senior Jordan Hall who will run behind a line that returns four players who started every game in 2012.

The defense came together well by the end of last season, due partially to familiarity with its coordinator, Fickell, who moved to DC from interim head coach after being retained by Meyer. While the Buckeyes were good against the run last season and efficient in the red zone the unit will need to improve against the pass, finishing 76th nationally in pass defense in 2012.

Defensive ends Noah Spence and Adolphus Washington will be relied on to create more sacks and push opposing passers to throw more errant balls where an experienced defensive back corps that includes All-American candidate Bradley Roby.

Linebacker Ryan Shazier, an All-Big Ten selection in 2012 and the second leading tackler in the conference will be the leader of the defensive unit.

Ohio State’s schedule shakes out nicely for a run to the Big Ten Championship Game and possibly the BCS national Championship finale. There are no definite losses on the slate and there are 10 easily winnable games, with close contests looming at Northwestern and at Michigan. I have the Buckeyes at 10-0-2.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

BYB Top 25 Countdown = #4 Stanford Cardinal

Stanford QB Kevin Hogan

David Shaw has filled in nicely for Jim Harbaugh, taking his alma mater to consecutive BCS Bowls, including last season’s Rose Bowl win against Wisconsin. The Carindal’s pro-style offensive attack and power football style remains in stark contrast to the Pac 12’s spread focus and that difference in style has seemed to assist Stanford in consistent, focused play.

Kevin Hogan returns as starting quarterback after taking over when Josh Nunes was injured against Colorado. Hogan was thrown into the fire as the Cardinal’s last three games were against ranked teams in Oregon State, Oregon and UCLA.

The then freshman weathered the storm with a 3-0 record and added wins in the Pac 12 Championship rematch with UCLA and in the Rose Bowl. He finished the season with 1,096 yards and nine TDs and completed 71 percent of his passes.

Hogan will be breaking in new starters at running back and receiver but Tyler Gaffney has significant experience in the backfield and Ty Montgomery is primed for a breakout season at receiver after being slowed by injuries in his career.

The offensive line is deep, experienced and one of the best in the country. David Yankey should be another All-American at guard for the Cardinal and three other returning senior starters will likely have a chance to play pro as well.

The defense returns eight starters from a group that was dynamic defending the run in 2012, finishing fifth nationally in rush defense and 11th nationally in scoring defense. Defensive ends Ben Gardner and Henry Anderson are the best pair of ends in the conference and team leader Shayne Skov and dynamic A.J. Tarpley should be the soul of the talented defense. The defensive back corps returns starters in cornerback Alex Carter and safeties Jordan Richards and Ed Reynolds.

Stanford lost two games by a total of 10 points last season and has a more forgiving schedule this season. Road games at Oregon State and USC will be challenging, as will home bouts with UCLA and Oregon but the defense will be stellar. If the skill position players produce then Stanford could be playing in the BCS Championship Game finale. I have Stanford at 9-0-3.

YouTube Video of the Day

They Didn't Buy A Zoo!

Chinese zoo tried to pass off dog as lion 

Taylor Bigler/Daily Caller

A zoo in China tried — and failed — to pull one over on its visitors by trying to pass off a Tibetan mastiff as an “African lion.” They could have gotten away with it if only the dog had started roaring instead of barking. 

The People’s Park of Luohe in the Henan province put an employee’s fluffy dog into the cage marked “African lion” because the lion had been shipped to a breeding facility, Beijing Youth Daily reports, via 

A mother was pointing out different species of animals to her son when she realized that the “lion” was actually making the sound a dog makes. But the mastiff wasn’t the only pet the zoo tried to pass off as wildlife. 

They also caged ”two coypu rodents in a snake’s cage, a white fox in a leopard’s den, and another dog in a wolf pen.”

 “The zoo is absolutely cheating us,” a visitor told the Chinese paper. “They are trying to disguise the dogs as lions.” 

People probably wouldn’t have been so mad about the whole thing had the zoo just marked the cage Tibetan mastiff, because those dogs are perhaps even more adorable than lions. 

Get Rich Quick Scheme #414 found! There are all these new people in Odessa and Midland with no new entertainment venues being added and a lot of these people have snot nosed brats too! What are these people craving? A zoo!

I’ll just start adopting pets from shelters or stealing them out of people’s yards/houses and then I’ll put them on display in some parking lot. Why wouldn’t they give me a license for that? They let people sell disgusting blankets with sports team logos that mean nothing to most people in West Texas or cantaloupes.

Heck, I could even glue wings to a few stray cats and claim I genetically mutated a new species of animal. All I need is a lab coat to sell that story.

This idea is just chocked full of opportunities. P.S. – I think that’s the lion that was hiding out in my buddy’s yard. See the Group Text Moment of the Day Tuesday and Wednesday for the inside joke.

Group Text Moment of the Day: Mow Your Lawn! (Part 2)

Cougar Kids Stalk Nashville

Speck, Hud Mellencamp face felony battery charges

By Laura Lane/

Rock star John Mellencamp’s two teenaged sons face felony battery charges stemming from a July incident during which police say they punched and kicked a 19-year-old man they assaulted on his front porch. The fight left the man with facial fractures and cuts that required stitches.

Speck Mellencamp, 18, 870 S. Woodscrest Drive, and 19-year-old Hud Mellencamp, who gave police an address on Lower Schnooner Road in Nashville, each face a charge of battery resulting in serious bodily injury. The charges were approved Thursday by Monroe Circuit Judge Marc Kellams.
Bond was set at $5,000 surety and $500 cash.

Monroe County Chief Deputy Prosecutor Bob Miller said arrangements are being made for the Mellencamps to turn themselves over to police.

Ty Smith, 19, 3330 S. Spring Branch Road, a friend of the Mellencamps, also was charged with felony battery for his alleged part in the incident. He is the son of Indiana University baseball coach Tracy Smith, and is an IU football team freshman walk-on.

Smith turned himself in at the Monroe County Jail at 5 p.m. Thursday. He was released from the jail at 7:19 p.m. after posting a $5,000 surety, $500 cash bond, according to jail records.

According to a report from BPD Detective Rick Crussen, the man who was injured had been sitting on his front porch with two friends when the Mellencamps and Smith walked up the steps. He said he asked them what they wanted, then was struck in the face by Speck Mellencamp.

After that, “he began being punched, kicked and stomped by Speck Mellencamp and the other two males. They have been identified as Hud Mellencamp and Ty Smith,” the probable-cause affidavit in the case states.

Three roommates inside the house heard the commotion, ran outside and pulled the three assailants off the man. The man said that as he stood up, Speck Mellencamp knocked him backward off the porch, a drop of several feet. The man said Speck Mellencamp continued punching with his fists until one of the roommates intervened. Witnesses said the Mellencamps and Smith then ran from the scene.

They also reported that the three did not say anything, striking without warning. People who were there confirmed that the three hit and kicked the man while he was down on the ground.

Hud Mellencamp is a trained boxer whose bouts have been reported on in The Herald-Times. The Mellencamps told police the fight was in response to Speck Mellencamp being hit in the face at a party at the house earlier that night.

Speck Mellencamp said he had tried to stop a dispute between two girls who were fighting over him and was pushed and hit by a man. He was upset by the incident and not thinking straight, he said, when he returned to the house with his brother and Smith.

During a June 5 appearance on the “Late Show” with writer Stephen King, John Mellencamp explained his black eye, pinning it on his 18-year-old son. “My son and I had words and he got a punch in and I didn’t,” he said.

"Little ditty about Speck and the Hud man
2 American kids breaking faces with their hands
Speck’s gonna beat you and leave scars
Hud will run over your legs with his daddy’s car
Oh yeah life goes on
Long after the thrill of the beatin’ is gone
Say, Oh yeah life goes on
Long after the blood on the porch is gone."

Seriously, don’t name your kids Speck and Hud or some fat blogger will ridicule them without benefit of the doubt. With names like that you have to know these kids are douchebags.

Wal Mart Person of the Day