BYB Express

It's Friday again and you know what that means - it's time for the BYB Express. Don't think of it as getting less blog. Just think of it getting more time to plan your weekend.

F My Life Moment of the Day
Today, I was doing a job for some people on my street cutting their bushes. After I had finished and went to get my pay, I realized I had gone to the wrong house. They called the police. FML

Wal Mart Person of the Day

I'd like my three wishes now.

SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Well it seems as if the animal revolution is back and in full force. I think they gave us a couple months off to fully absorb the financial meltdown but once the oil spill started killing their scaled and feathered brethren Animal Planet decided to jump on us again. And this time they've learned how to drive. There's got to be some compound somewhere where the animals are training. Maybe the barefoot bandit has been the one helping them. Either way I know our only chance of survival is destroying the compound. And not leaving out any picanic baskets.

Texts From Last Nite Moment of the Day!

(202): the last time i saw him was an hour ago and he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

UNDERPANTS!
Professional Football Quarterback Tim Tebow Signs with Jockey®
Jockey.com



Heisman Trophy Winner and pro football quarterback Tim Tebow will serve as a Jockey spokesperson beginning in July, 2010.

"I'm excited to represent the Jockey® brand. I've long been a fan and consumer of Jockey and I'm looking forward to a great relationship with such a respectable and innovative company."

Tim will work with several of Jockey’s product lines, including the NEW Jockey® Staycool collection coming in Spring 2011.

Welcome to the team, Tim!

I'm thinking Football Jesus must have signed on to unveil what will be Jockey's new chastity belt edition - for the man who hates his penis. They could pair him with A.C. Green and have them tour colleges with their message of abstinence. It'd be the time Bud Bundy worked for the No Sex Hotline. Ah, I kid Mr. Tebow. I'm sjure many a lady would love a chance to sneek a peak at his underoos.



POLICE WORK YOU CAN SINK YOUR TEETH INTO
Idaho police dog back to work after suspension
AP

SUN VALLEY, Idaho — A police dog in the central Idaho resort town of Sun Valley is back on duty after serving a "suspension" for an unprovoked attack on a small schnauzer.

Sun Valley Police Chief Cameron Daggett says the 5-year-old German shepherd named Dax took a few weeks off the job after the incident. The dog will receive more training to prevent a reoccurrence of what Daggett says was an unfortunate situation.

Dax is a four-year veteran of the force. He is trained to find illegal drugs, missing people, and evidence at crime scenes.

On June 26, authorities say Dax attacked a schnauzer named Max. Max's owner says the city is paying the $600 veterinarian bill.

You know, I'm just about tired of bleeding heart liberals making it hard for an honest cop to do his job. Sure, Officer Dax might have to play a little more bad cop than he'd like but that's part of the job. How do we know that schnauzer didn't have information related to a major drug cartel. dax may have single handedly shut down a narcotics ring and saved lives in the process. But we're going to shed tears for the schnauzer instead. What is this country coming to when an honest cop can't do his job?

On this day in…
762 – Baghdad is founded.
1733 – The first Masonic Grand Lodge in the future United States is constituted in Massachusetts.
1932 – Premiere of Walt Disney's Flowers and Trees, the first cartoon short to use Technicolor and the first Academy Award winning cartoon short.
1956 – A joint resolution of the U.S. Congress is signed by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, authorizing In God We Trust as the U.S. national motto.
1965 – US President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Social Security Act of 1965 into law, establishing Medicare and Medicaid.
1974 – Watergate Scandal: US President Richard M. Nixon releases subpoenaed White House recordings after being ordered to do so by the United States Supreme Court.
1975 – Jimmy Hoffa disappears from the parking lot of the Machus Red Fox restaurant in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, a suburb of Detroit, at about 2:30 p.m. He is never seen or heard from again.

Births
1818 – Emily Brontë, English novelist (d. 1848)
1863 – Henry Ford, American industrialist (d. 1947)
1934 – Bud Selig, American Commissioner of Baseball
1941 – Paul Anka, Canadian singer and composer
1947 – Arnold Schwarzenegger, Austrian-born American actor, bodybuilder, and 38th Governor of California
1950 – Frank Stallone, American singer and actor
1963 – Lisa Kudrow, American actress
1963 – Chris Mullin, American basketball player
1964 – Vivica A. Fox, American actress
1971 – Tom Green, Canadian comedian and actor
1971 – Christine Taylor, American actress
1974 – Hilary Swank, American actress
1977 – Jaime Pressly, American actress

Super list of birthdays today but I've got to go with an Arnold Schwarzenegger prank call from Ebaums World. This lady absolutely loses her mind. You can almost tell she's about to start crying.



HUG IT OUT BITCH!
Iowa man who just wanted a hug lands in jail
AP

IOWA CITY, Iowa — Police arrested a man who they said punched another man who refused to hug him. Iowa City police responded to a report of someone being aggressive and punching cars Sunday night. The suspect, a 23-year-old man, told police he became upset after he tried to hug a man and was pushed away.

Police said the man punched and dented the hood of a car before punching the man he tried to hug.

Police said the man had a blood-alcohol content of .086. He was charged with simple assault and fourth-degree criminal mischief, a serious misdemeanor.

I don't blame this guy one iota for sucking that other dude in the face. We'd have a much better society if people would stop and hug a stranger once a day. What's the harm in that? And if to get the point across you have to dent a few cars and break a few noses then so be it.

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

Today, I was taking a shower when I got soap in my eyes. I grabbed a washcloth by the sink and rubbed it in my eye. It had been soaking in bleach. FML

Wal Mart Person of the Day

FUDA!

The Price Is Wrong Bitch!

Bob Barker: Dissing Drew Carey Was 'Idiocy'
By Us Magazine

Bob Barker regrets coming down so hard on his "Price Is Right" replacement Drew Carey. On Tuesday, the retired game show host, 86, suggested to TMZ that Carey was a rather boring host, sniffing: "I tried to make the show really exciting, and he doesn't do that. He just plays the games."

But later that same day, he backtracked. "I would not criticize Drew Carey. I would not criticize this show," he told Entertainment Weekly. Barker has good motivation to play nice: "I have a sizable royalty that I am paid every year this show is on, and it’s going on for years. I would be an absolute fool."

Barker retired from the show after 35 years in 2007, when comedian and sitcom star Carey, 52, stepped in. He told EW that Carey has "been charming and complimentary...kind and gracious. To think that I would say anything derogatory about him is idiocy."

The elder game show legend joked that, going forward, he'll be sure to "keep his mouth" shut when facing reporters.

Well you can't blame Bob Barker for trashing the current incarnation of 'The Price Is Right.' As a life long PIR fan I have to say that right now the show is pretty much unwatchable. Barker did a good job of playing up how crazy the fans were while also keeping them in check. It was important for him to assert that he was the star and not the contestants. They were merely pawns. Carey pretty much lets the inmates run the asylum and just smirks like a douche. So I'm glad Barker trashed him.

My question is, why is PIR still paying Bob Barker? I know the show was only successful because of him but I would think his previous compensation coupled with the show protecting him after he sexually harrassed/assaulted pretty much every female employee there would make them even. But maybe not.

P.S. - I just wish Bob had given Drew this treatment.

Texts From Last Nite Moment of the Day

(678): Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.

(713): I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

Denver Misses Its Tee(bow) Time

Tebow misses rookies workout
AP

ENGLEWOOD, Colo. (AP) -- Kyle Orton can't wait for rookie Tim Tebow to sign his contract and help shoulder the load at the Denver Broncos' training camp.

Not necessarily to split the snaps or siphon the media attention.

Orton has other things in mind for the first-round draft pick who is generating the kind of buzz in Denver that John Elway did as a rookie in 1983.

"Oh, that would fine," Orton said when asked after Wednesday's workout if he'd like to see Tebow in camp. "I've got these pads on. I need somebody to take them in for me."

Maybe it was good-natured rookie ribbing or perhaps it was a reference to the brouhaha at Cowboys camp where Dez Bryant insists he was unaware of the rookie ritual of carrying veteran shoulder pads after practice and refused to accommodate Roy Williams' request.

But it also showed quite clearly that Orton still considers himself the alpha dog at Dove Valley.

Orton wanted a long-term extension this offseason like the one fellow restricted free agent Elvis Dumervil signed last week. Instead, he got Brady Quinn coming over in a trade and Tebow arriving via the draft after what many consider the greatest career in college football history.

Orton, who signed a $2.621 million tender this spring, enters camp as the starter but that could change.

He split snaps with Quinn on Wednesday when the unsigned Tebow missed the first day of workouts for rookies, selected veterans and players coming off injuries.

The 25th overall pick in the draft after winning two national titles and the Heisman Trophy at Florida, Tebow said last month that he didn't want to miss a single pro practice. But he can't show up without his signature on a contract.

Since when can't rookies take part in training camp because they're unsigned? I was pretty sure this sort of thing happens every year. And since Dez Bryant is the only 1st rounder I can think of who has signed there must be a lot of veterans carrying their pads these days. I know one thing for sure, missing practice isn't a very Tebowian thing to do. It would be like it Hulk Hogan didn't say his prayers and eat his vitamins in the 80s. Plus Football Jesus would really push this quarterback race to the next level. I think the three players should sign a pact. If Orton loses he should have to shave his neck beard and replace the hair with Mark Schlereth's pubes. If Brady Quinn loses he has to finally come out of the closet and if Tebow loses the job he has to bust his cherry with Erin Andrews via internet live stream. I'm sure her stalker would be happy to help film it.

Rise Up Mothafuc*ers!

I never even knew Samuel L. Jackson was a Falcons fan. But I'm pretty sure of it now. Samuel L was rather emphatic about his love for the Dirty Bird. Of course, I could easily answer Sam's question about what Falcons do. They crap out in the playoffs, do stupid dances and engage in dog fighting rings. They also buy hookers the night before the Super Bowl in the rare event that they actually make it to the game.

P.S. - Maybe Samuel L should forget about football and focus on the beverage that accompanies football. He was a better pitch man for that.

Bank...I Am Your Robber

Darth Vader strikes bank
By Reuters

NEW YORK - The Force was with a man when he robbed a bank wearing a Darth Vader mask and a cape.

Armed with a gun instead of a lightsabre, the man entered a Chase bank branch in Setauket, N.Y., about 50 miles east of New York City, Thursday and demanded cash from a teller, police said. He fled through a parking lot with an undisclosed amount of money.

The bandit dressed as the “Star Wars” villain was part of a mini-outbreak of unusual bank robbers in the New York area.

Earlier this week, New York City police arrested a man accused of robbing two banks with a bunch of flowers and a potted plant.

I'm guessing the economic downturn must have hurt the Empire pretty bad if they would have to send Darth Vader to rob banks on Earth. I guess the other systems must have been hit even harder than ours. Odds are you probably can't even run a tab anymore at the bar Luke and Obiwon found Han at. But what I'm really wondering is why Darth Vader used a gun. Sure, a light saber might have confused the teller but I think the Jedi mind trick would have been most effective. That way, you might even be able to convince the authorities that the teller gave you the money willingly.

On this day in...

On this day in...
1901 – The Socialist Party of America founded.
1921 – Adolf Hitler becomes leader of the National Socialist German Workers Party.
1948 – Olympic Games: The Games of the XIV Olympiad – after a hiatus of 12 years caused by World War II, the first Summer Olympics to be held since the 1936 Summer Olympics in Berlin open in London.
1958 – U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs into law the National Aeronautics and Space Act, which creates the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA).
1976 – In New York City, the "Son of Sam" kills one person and seriously wounds another in the first of a series of attacks.
1981 – A worldwide television audience of over 700 million people watched the Wedding of Charles, Prince of Wales, and Lady Diana Spencer at St Paul's Cathedral in London.

Births
1883 – Benito Mussolini, Italian dictator (d. 1945)
1924 – Elizabeth Short, victim in the Black Dahlia case (d. 1947)
1936 – Elizabeth Dole, U.S. Senator from North Carolina
1938 – Peter Jennings, Canadian-born journalist (d. 2005)
1956 – Teddy Atlas, American boxing trainer and commentator
1962 – Scott Steiner, American professional wrestler
1966 – Martina McBride, American singer
1972 – Wil Wheaton, American actor
1974 – Afroman, American rapper

Pretty good list of birthdays here but I'm going to highlight Wil Wheaton and his fued with Sheldon on 'The Big Bang Theory.'

The Ochos Are Locos

Well T.O. is a Bengal now. Why am I not surprised? Maybe its because the Bengals have a GM and a scouting department that readily think they can take any gangbanger of questionable character, throw him in an orange and black striped uni and he'll be reformed. I give this about a week until T.O.'s first public tantrum. He'll likely complain that Ochocinco's comparing him to Garfunkel makes him the sidekick and he's clearly the star. I'd really hate to be Carson Palmer right now. If I were him I'd retire immediately and try to take Runpee global with the brother.

They Didn't Teach That In Drivers Ed

My question is, how the hell did China own this record before now? Aren't Asians notoriously bad drivers? But I guess there's just no middle ground. Asians are either Tokyo difters or a middle aged woman who changes four lanes in the middle of 5 o'clock traffic. Its kind of like black people with dogs. They're either afraid of chihauhaus or they run pit bull fighting rings. Isn't racism and stereotyping fun?

BYB Express - Tuesday Edition

Sorry, I'm pressed for time today so you are getting the Express. Don't think of it as getting less blog. Think of it as getting more time to think of better excuses for Dez Bryant.

F My Life Moment of the Day
Today, I was walking towards a group of guys playing basketball, who stopped and stared at me while saying, "Daaaamn..." As I passed them, one of them said, "She looked hotter from a distance." FML

Wal Mart Person of the Day

I'm almost sure that kid's hand is going to be stuck in a matter of moments.

IGNORANCE IS BLISS
Bryant didn't know carrying pads was Cowboys ritual
AP


SAN ANTONIO (AP) -- Dallas Cowboys rookie receiver Dez Bryant said he never expected his refusal to carry Roy Williams' shoulder pads to become such an big deal.

The first-round pick also said he didn't know that rookies carrying the pads of veterans after practice was a long-standing ritual.

"I told Roy this, I said if that situation was going to turn out that big, he could have walked in with his tights on," Bryant said after the team's first of two practices Tuesday. "I would have took his shoulder pads, his pants, his helmet, his socks, his shoes. I would have took everything. But you know what, that's not even an issue."

Though Bryant is expected to challenge for the starting spot opposite Pro Bowl receiver Miles Austin on a team with Super Bowl expectations, Williams has repeatedly said that everything is good between the receivers.

While signing autographs with fans shouting their support for him Tuesday, Bryant agreed.

"We are fine. Matter of fact, it is not even a situation," Bryant said. "Me and Roy are great. Not only Roy, but the whole team. ... Everybody on the team likes me and I like everybody on the team. (Reporters) are trying to put me and Roy against each other. That's not going to happen. We're trying to do something real special here."

Okay, as far as excuses go, "I didn't know" ranks right up there with "my dog ate my homework" in the Lame Hall of Fame. I'm pretty sure Dez wasn't the only rookie asked to do some humiliating shit this week so he can quit with the ignorance routine. He knew. Plus, it doesn't matter what Roy asked him to do. Hazing is hazing and Roy is a veteran. Short of ordering Dez to give him a handy, Roy could have asked for anything. Most importantly, this excuse does nothing to assure anyone about Dez's character. I think we'd all like to see him humbled and he refuses to do so. Why not just admit you tried to be a hot shot and got taken down a couple pegs. I think you'd earn more respect for doing so. But who could resist a good, "I didn't know I couldn't do that.



Texts From Last Nite Moment of the Day!

(919): yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market

I LOVE A PARADE!
China bans prostitute 'shame parades'
By Reuters



BEIJING - China will end the public shaming of criminal suspects by parading them through the streets, the People’s Daily reported on Tuesday, after online commentators championed the case of a prostitute.

A spokesperson at the Public Security Bureau in central Henan province confirmed the ban on the practice long used by local law enforcement officials.

Although the ban is meant to apply to all suspects, the “shame parades””have most often been used in periodic government crackdowns on prostitution.

Online activists launched a campaign to halt the marches this month after a suspected prostitute was pictured barefoot, handcuffed and led about by a rope in a street in Dongguan in southern Guangdong province.

Netizens expressed outrage at a “humiliating””act and urged sympathy towards sex workers, according to Mop.com, a popular online forum.

Prostitution is banned and a taboo topic that generates scant coverage in the state media, except for annual crackdowns.

Four years ago, some 100 prostitutes were forced to march in front of a jeering crowd in Shenzhen, a boomtown in Guangdong province. The march was broadcast on television to publicise the government’s efforts to combat the rising sex trade.

Just when I finally booked my trip to Guangdong Province, China to watch a good Hooker Humiliation Parade the Chinese government goes and gets all bleeding heart liberal on me. What happened to the Chinese government that would run over someone with a tank for protesting?

But I guess this article just goes to show how different the culture is in China. I guess dignity and self respect are so valuable in China that a humiliation parade would be a good enough detourrant. In the U.S., the prospect of getting arrested, murdered or infected with AIDS isn't enough to stop them. Of course when you've got girls on Texts From Last Night talking about the "walk of shame" like its a ride at Six Flags you kind of understand why. Either way I'd like to see a good old fashoined whore parade here in Odessa. Maybe I'll go talk to the Chamber of Commerce tomorrow.

On this day in…
1663 – The English Parliament passes the second Navigation Act requiring that all goods bound for the American colonies have to be sent in English ships from English ports.
1794 – French Revolution: Maximilien Robespierre is arrested after encouraging the execution of more than 17,000 "enemies of the Revolution".
1919 – The Chicago Race Riot erupts after a racial incident occurred on a South Side beach, leading to 38 fatalities and 537 injuries over a five-day period.
1940 – The animated short A Wild Hare is released, introducing the character of Bugs Bunny.
1953 – The Korean War ends when the United States, the People's Republic of China, and North Korea sign an armistice agreement.
1974 – Watergate Scandal: the House of Representatives Judiciary Committee votes 27 to 11 to recommend the first article of impeachment (for obstruction of justice) against President Richard Nixon.
1987 – RMS Titanic, Inc. begins the first expedited salvage of wreckage of the RMS Titanic.
1996 – Centennial Olympic Park bombing: in Atlanta, Georgia, a pipe bomb explodes at Centennial Olympic Park during the 1996 Summer Olympics. One woman (Alice Hawthorne) is killed, and a cameraman suffers a heart attack fleeing the scene. 111 are injured.

Births
1931 – Jerry Van Dyke, American actor
1957 – Bill Engvall, American comedian
1969 – Triple H, American professional wrestler
1972 – Maya Rudolph, American actress and comedian
1975 – Alex Rodriguez, American baseball player
1990 – Nick Hogan, American reality TV star

I realize pro wrestling isn't for anyone (especially for people who don't still live on their parents' property) but here's a pretty funny clip of birthday boy and WWE heir Triple H having some fun with Stone Cold.



I'LL TAKE A BIG MAC SMOTHERED IN UNDERWEAR
Underwear bandit hits McD's
By REUTERS

Oklahoma - A woman wearing underwear on her head robbed an Oklahoma McDonald's fast food restaurant and remained at large as police sought to identify her, police said on Wednesday.

Authorities said a surveillance video shows a middle-aged woman, wearing black pants and a black shirt, gloves, and a blond wig walking up to a McDonald's drive-through window.

The woman has what appears to be a pair of men's underwear wrapped around her face and held in place with paper clips, according to Midwest City Police Chief Brandon Clabes. Midwest City is a suburb of Oklahoma City.

She reached inside the drive-through window when employees had stepped away for a moment, slid open a cash register drawer apparently using a key and took an undisclosed sum of money.

"It was pretty brazen. There were employees inside the business when all this was going on," Clabes told Reuters.

Clabes said the video was being aired on local television and authorities hope someone will be able to identify the woman. The robbery happened at 3 a.m. local time on Tuesday.

"You see a lot of things...but this is one of the stranger ones we've seen," Clabes said.

I'd hope this is strange. Middle aged women don't usually strap a pair of tighty whities to their face and hold up a fast food place. You'd have to imagine this lady is pretty hard up if she can't even afford to get a ski mask or a pair of pantyhose to throw over her head. Of course judging by that hairdo she's rocking, she might not want anything messing that up. Someone should have told her that she didn't have to go to that much trouble to rob the place though. This guy has been even more brazen about doing it for years.



P.S. - You think when she finished robbing them she told them they might want to clean the place too? She probably thought it smelled like balls in there.

BYB Epress

It's Moda again and you know what that means - it's time for the BYB Express. Don't think of it as getting less blog. Just think of it getting more time to read up on Padgate 2010.

F My Life Moment of the Day
Today, is my 21st birthday. I was having a party and went to buy alcohol for the first time ever. Expecting to get carded, I had my ID out. The cashier looked at me and said "We only need to see ID if you look under 35." FML

Wal Mart Person of the Day


DIRTY DEEDS DONE DEZ CHEAP!
Bryant won't carry Williams' pads
By Tim MacMahon/ESPNDallas.com



SAN ANTONIO -- Receiver Dez Bryant has done everything right on the field during the first two days of Dallas Cowboys training camp, but he refuses to participate in an NFL rite of passage.

According to the rookie first-round pick, Roy Williams and the other veteran receivers can carry their own shoulder pads after practice.

Williams gave his pads to Bryant after Sunday's morning practice, but Bryant declined to carry them. Williams threatened to go to "step two" when talking to reporters.

"I'm not doing it," Bryant said. "I feel like I was drafted to play football, not carry another player's pads."

"If I was a free agent, it would still be the same thing. I just feel like I'm here to play football. I'm here to try to help win a championship, not carry someone's pads. I'm saying that out of no disrespect to [anyone]."

It's a common duty for rookies, who typically get some sort of hazing. Bill Parcells used to make first-round picks bring him water during breaks in practice. The Cowboys' rookie offensive linemen are given awful haircuts by the veterans at some point during each training camp.

"Everybody has to go through it," Williams said. "I had to go through it. No matter if you're a No. 1 pick or the 7,000th pick, you've still got to do something when you're a rookie.

Calvin Watkins and Tim MacMahon have the Cowboys blanketed for ESPNDallas.com. Check in with their constantly updated coverage. Blog

"I carried pads. I paid for dinners. I paid for lunches. I did everything I was supposed to do, because I didn't want to be that guy."

What would "step two" be?

"We'll find out. Definitely going to find out," Williams said. "I don't know. I've seen guys take people's credit cards and go fill up their cards and wife's cards and everything. There's a lot of dirt that goes on in that locker room."

Williams, an Odessa, Texas, native and University of Texas product, is a frequent target of fan criticism due to his poor production since being traded from the Detroit Lions during the 2008 season. He was booed during Sunday morning's practice when he dropped a pass, although Pro Bowler Miles Austin didn't get similar treatment when he had a drop in the afternoon session.

"I bought a Ford F-250 2011. Everybody loves a new car but I also have a 2004 Navigator that's still running," Williams said about the perception that Bryant will soon be the starter. "So that's the way I feel."

Okay, aside from the weird ass quote about the new truck he bought, how can anyone not be behind Roy Williams on this one? Rookie hazing is a time honored, NFL tradition. Everybody has gotten some tasing. I'm sure Jerry Rice, Cris Carter and Michael Irvin had to endure some just like this. But its beneath Badass Dez. What a punk.

But inevitably Cowboys fans are going to see this the other way because Roy is the scape goat de jeur. I can't defend the guy's play last year but I'm pretty sure having a quarterback who cares more about his golf game than preparing for opponents might be a detriment too. And this sort of thing should fall to Romo too. He needs to know when to step in and nip this stuff in the bud aka telling the greatest receiver in the league history (who has yet to take a snap) to pick his battles. If he doesn't this might go to Step 2, but the Cowboys will be stuck on Step 1.

P.S. - Just look at how nice Roy is. He's signing a freaking Miles Austin jersey after getting booed in practice. If I was him I would have shoved the Sharpie down her throat. He totally needs a heel turn this season.

Texts From Last Nite Moment of the Day!

(214): things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

OFFSEASON NBA UPDATE - RON IS STILL GOD AND GOD IS STILL RON

How does the coolest NBA player in the world follow up what I hope is his First Annual "F*ck Lebron" Party? By playing dodgeball with a bunch of out of shape nobodys in L.A.



Is there anything this guy won't do for his fans? But I will say I would have thought he'd be a better dodgeball player. He kind of sucks.



On this day in…
1775 – The office that would later become the United States Post Office Department is established by the Second Continental Congress.
1788 – New York ratifies the United States Constitution and becomes the 11th state of the United States.
1908 – United States Attorney General Charles Joseph Bonaparte issues an order to immediately staff the Office of the Chief Examiner (later renamed the Federal Bureau of Investigation).
1945 – The Labour Party wins the United Kingdom general election of July 5 by a landslide, removing Winston Churchill from power.
1947 – Cold War: U.S. President Harry S. Truman signs the National Security Act of 1947 into United States law creating the Central Intelligence Agency, United States Department of Defense, Joint Chiefs of Staff, and the United States National Security Council.
1948 – U.S. President Harry S. Truman signs Executive Order 9981 desegregating the military of the United States.
1953 – Fidel Castro leads an unsuccessful attack on the Moncada Barracks, thus beginning the Cuban Revolution.
1990 – The Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 is signed into law by President George H. W. Bush.

Births
1929 – Joe Jackson, American manager, the patriarch of the Jackson family
1939 – Bob Lilly, American football player
1945 – Betty Davis, American funk, rock and soul singer
1945 – Helen Mirren, English actress
1959 – Kevin Spacey, American actor
1965 – Jeremy Piven, American actor
1973 – Kate Beckinsale, British actress
1983 – Delonte West, American basketball player

I got my weekly reminder of how bad 'Entourage' has gotten last nite. But at least we have the memories. And despite gladly accepting the opportunity to go down with that sinking ship Jeremy Piven is still pretty great. Here he is being even greater.



COUGARS ON A COUCH



I guess it would be pretty cool to be responsible for having something as bizarre as a motorized couch banned from being used on campus. That would be a pretty good story for the grandkids. I wish I had one I would be able to tell my grandkids but I never did anything that creative. I was also too busy drinking and being debaucherous. I guess being a Mormon paid off this time. Oh, what am I talking about? I'll never have grandkids anyway.

BYB Express

It's Friday again and you know what that means - it's time for the BYB Express. Don't think of it as getting less blog. Just think of it getting more time to brave this hot ass weather.

F My Life Moment of the Day
Today, while driving through town, I was distracted by a pretty girl walking on the nearby pavement and accidentally rear-ended the car in front of me. Not only did the pretty girl witness the crash and give a statement, it turned out she was a very feminine man. FML

Wal Mart Person of the Day


JIMINEY CRICKET!!!

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Well for the first time in my life I think I might actually be happy I'm in Odessa and not San Antonio. I'm pretty sure this cricket problem would freak me the hell out. I'm not a big insect person anyway and a cricket is like a creepy scince project where a grasshopper and a cockroach got cloned. Plus they're loud as hell. Ewwwwww

Texts From Last Nite Moment of the Day!

(561): I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

MAN CAUGHT SMUGGLING 18 MONKEYS IN GIRDLE
AP



MEXICO CITY — A man with a mysterious bulge under his T-shirt was stopped, searched and detained at Mexico City's international airport after authorities found 18 tiny endangered monkeys in a girdle he was wearing.

The Public Safety Department said in a statement Monday that 38-year-old Roberto Cabrera arrived on a commercial flight Friday from Lima, Peru, when authorities noticed the bulge and conducted a body search.

The department says Cabrera was carrying the 6-inch titi monkeys in pouches attached to the girdle. Two of the monkeys were dead.

Cabrera was arrested on charges of trafficking an endangered species.

Cabrera told authorities he was carrying the monkeys in a suitcase but decided to put them in his girdle "so the X-rays wouldn't hurt them."

This guy is pretty ballsy (pardon the pun) to be carrying a bunch of monkeys around in his pants. All I know about monkeys is they're cute but they can wreck shop on something if they need to. The last thing I'd want is a pissed off monkey taking a whack at my balls repeatedly. Sure, this monkeys were only 6 inches large but 18 six-inch monkeys can still leave you looking like John Wayne Bobbitt.

On this day in…
1903 – The Ford Motor Company sells its first car.
1926 – Fox Film buys the patents of the Movietone sound system for recording sound onto film.
1967 – 12th Street Riot: In Detroit, Michigan, one of the worst riots in United States history begins on 12th Street in the predominantly African American inner city.
1984 – Vanessa Williams becomes the first Miss America to resign when she surrenders her crown after nude photos of her appeared in Penthouse magazine.
1986 – In London, Prince Andrew, Duke of York marries Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey.
2009 – Mark Buehrle of the Chicago White Sox becomes the 18th pitcher to throw a perfect game in Major League Baseball history, defeating the Tampa Bay Rays 5-0.

Births
1936 – Anthony Kennedy, U.S. Supreme Court Justice
1940 – Don Imus, American talk radio host
1962 – Eriq La Salle, American actor
1965 – Slash, American guitarist (Guns N' Roses)
1967 – Philip Seymour Hoffman, American actor
1968 – Gary Payton, American basketball player
1972 – Marlon Wayans, American actor
1973 – Nomar Garciaparra, American baseball player
1973 – Monica Lewinsky, American White House intern

Eriq La Salle may be best known for his work on ER but I think it was his work as a 'Soul Glo' heir in 'Coming To America' that was his shining moment.



ARE YOU OKAY???



What was this moronic douchebag thinking when he ran across that half pipe? It's not like you're The Flash or some stealth contortionist. You're a fat, sweaty, TV journalist who probably couldn't run out of sight in a day. Then he made the thing worse by worrying about the kid too much. I'm pretty sure those kids fall down all the time. Sure, they don't have overweight TV reporters romp on them everyday but this guy just made the segment more creepy by not shutting up about the mistake. You screwed up. Go on.

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I was looking at a cover letter I'd sent to an employer, and discovered that I had managed to get the name of the company wrong. It's for a journalism role. FML

Today, I was riding the train and saw a cute guy licking his lips at me. Flattered, I gave him my number when the train stopped. He looked at me and said, "Don't flatter yourself. You have mustard on your face." FML

Wal Mart Person of the Day

He managed to take the business aspect out of the mullet.

Hats Off To You - Part 2

If you ask me this guy should have moved on to some other girl. If this bitch is going to be so difficult about letting him borrow her hat then there's no way she going to let him get in her pants. Plus her hat was pretty big so I'm pretty sure she was lying about not having a bunch of other dude's heads in there. I hope the freshman orientation group they should this to at VCU threw popcorn at the screen.

UT Water - Good To the Last Second (and an extra second)

UT-Austin, ad firm join in bottled water project
Associated Press

AUSTIN, Texas — The University of Texas at Austin is partnering with an Austin advertising firm to sell purified water in a bottle that's a replica of the UT Tower.

About 40 percent of proceeds from the venture will go to scholarships, fellowships and internships for UT students. Other proceeds will go to operations and profits. The product is called H2Orange, a reference to the school's colors.

UT-Austin President William Powers Jr. and GSD&M Idea City co-founders Steve Gurasich and Tim McClure are announcing the partnership Monday.

Among the bottled water company's investors — all of whom attended UT — are golfer Ben Crenshaw, business giant Red McCombs and former quarterback James Street.

As if every car in this city having a Longhorn bumper sticker or metal decal wasn't enough. As if me having to see 43% of people here wear burnt orange every day wasn't taking enough of a toll on my psyche. Now I've got to content with people carrying around UT water bottles. Wonderful. My only hope is that they don't go over in Odessa because half the UT fans here have never been to Austin or probably know what the UT Tower is. Of course, if I get wound too tight from UT rage before Oct. 16 I may have to pull a Charles Whitman. Okay, I may have officially sealed my place in hell with that one.

Texts From Last Nite Moment of the Day

(484): The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.

(623): My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

Get Your Ass In the Air

Cops probe parasailing donkey
By QMI Agency

Police have launched an investigation after shocked bystanders witnessed a screaming donkey, attached to a parachute, being pulled by a motorboat over a beach in the southern Russian city of Krasnodar.

“The donkey screamed and children cried,” Krasnodar regional police spokeswoman Larisa Tuchkova told the AFP news agency.

The animal was so high up, some children mistook it for a dog.

The Krasnodar news website Yuga.ru reports the flying donkey was a publicity stunt by a local parasailing company.

“No one had the brains to call police,” Tuchkova added, saying people instead stopped to call newspapers and snap pictures with their phones.

According to the local newspaper Taman, when the donkey finally landed, “it was dragged several metres along the water, after which the animal was pulled out half-alive onto the shore.”

Police are now investigating the parasailing donkey as an act of animal cruelty.



Well Heaven forbid somebody tries to give a donkey the thrill of a lifetime anymore. Animal cruelty? That donkey got to experience a thrilling event that many people will never to get to enjoy. It seems to me people keep trying to do great things for donkeys like take them flying, take them to the Grand Canyon and get them laid by horney human women and all they get in return is flack and arrests. Keep this up and donkeys are going to stop enjoying all these exciting frills.

You'll Burn In Hell if You Don't Burn Here First

Confessional can't become sauna, church rules
AP

VIENNA -Some Catholics may well sweat in the confessional as they admit to things they shouldn't have done. But Vienna's archdiocese has ruled that the box-like structure where believers confess their sins cannot be turned into a sauna.

Bidding on a confessional described on eBay as ideal for conversion into a one-person sauna, a small bar or a children's playhouse was ended when the archdiocese stepped in.

Archdiocese spokesman Erich Leitenberger told the daily Salzburger Nachrichten that auctioning "objects that were used for dispensing the sacraments is not acceptable."
Confessionals "should not be converted into saunas or bars," he was quoted Tuesday as saying. Leitenberger did not return calls to the AP.

The confessional was offered for auction by a Vienna church undergoing renovations.
Curiously, the highest reported amount offered by one of the 40 bidders before the item was yanked from the internet Monday was 666.66 euros.

The number 666 is commonly associated with the Antichrist — or the devil.

Why does the Catholic Church always have to be a stickler about the rules? Of course those being the rules not associated with the age of consent...and sodomy for that matter. So what a confessional wasn't originally meant to be a sauna or a bar. Things can change. It's a process called evolution where over time things can become other things. You might want to look into it. In the meantime the Catholic Church might want to do this to scare up some money to pay those blind kids. Of course, I can't blame them for not wanting to turn the confessional into a children's playhouse. That seems like it would only exacerbate an exisiting problem.

On this day in...

On this day in...
1587 – Colony of Roanoke: a second group of English settlers arrive on Roanoke Island off North Carolina to re-establish the deserted colony.
1864 – American Civil War: Battle of Atlanta – outside Atlanta, Georgia, Confederate General John Bell Hood leads an unsuccessful attack on Union troops under General William T. Sherman on Bald Hill.
1894 – First ever motorized racing event is held in France between the cities of Paris and Rouen. The race is won by comte Jules-Albert de Dion.
1933 – Wiley Post becomes the first person to fly solo around the world traveling 15,596 miles in 7 days, 18 hours and 45 minutes.
1934 – Outside Chicago's Biograph Theatre, "Public Enemy No. 1" John Dillinger is mortally wounded by FBI agents.
1942 – Holocaust: the systematic deportation of Jews from the Warsaw Ghetto begins.
1992 – Near Medellín, Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar escapes from his luxury prison fearing extradition to the United States.
2003 – Members of 101st Airborne of the United States, aided by Special Forces, attack a compound in Iraq, killing Saddam Hussein's sons Uday and Qusay, along with Mustapha Hussein, Qusay's 14-year old son, and a bodyguard.

Births
1923 – Bob Dole, American politician
1932 – Oscar De la Renta, Dominican/American fashion designer
1940 – Alex Trebek, Canadian game show host
1941 – George Clinton, American musician
1943 – Kay Bailey Hutchison, U.S. Senator from Texas
1946 – Danny Glover, American actor
1947 – Albert Brooks, American comedian
1947 – Don Henley, American musician (Eagles)
1955 – Willem Dafoe, American actor
1972 – Colin Ferguson, Canadian actor
1972 – Keyshawn Johnson, American football player
1973 – Mike Sweeney, American baseball player

Lots of good brithdays there including my good friend's dad Mike Sweeney but I guess I'll go with Celebrity Jeopardy and Alex Trebek for lack of a better visual.

The Girl Scouts Need A Better Scouting Department

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Geez, you'd think the Girls Scouts would have vetted a scout leader a little bit better than this. Handing off the reigns off a money making group like this to a lady living in a hovel with a husband in and out of jail probably wasn't the best idea. I'm sure rural Ohio has a lot of worthless meth heads and white trash but you think they could find one decent person in the pack. Of course, judging by the woman's picture there's a 50/50 chance that she didn't steal any money, she just ate all of the product.

Saving Lives In 30 Minutes Or Less

Heart-attack victim saved by pizza deliveryman
AP

LAKEWOOD, Colo. -Ordering a pizza may have saved George Linn's life. Linn's wife said he had just gone into cardiac arrest Friday when the pizza deliveryman knocked on the door of their Colorado home to bring their order. Kami Linn said she opened the door to "some burly-looking dude" and immediately asked for help.

The deliveryman, Chris Wuebben, happened to be a paramedic recently returned from Iraq.

Kami Linn said Wuebben performed CPR on her husband and revived him. Other paramedics who later arrived then took over. George Linn remains hospitalized in the intensive care unit.

Kami Linn said her husband has a history of heart problems.

Well, congratulations to this pizza delivery guy for being johnny on the spot and saving someone's life. Obviously you can see how well this country treats its defenders since he was delivering pie in Lakewood, Colorado.

Also, not to be too judgemental, but maybe if Mr. Linn didn't eat so much pizza he wouldn't need the delivery guy to be pumping his chest in the front walkway. Maybe try a salad next time Mr. Linn.

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I woke up surrounded by several people. I soon realized that my parents were hosting a party. I slept on the couch, naked, and under a white blanket. They didn't bother waking me. FML

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

Wal Mart Person of the Day

He must work out.

Lohan's Lawyer Long Gone

Robert Shapiro Quits Lindsay Lohan!
by TMZ Staff

TMZ has learned Bob Shapiro informed the judge in Lindsay Lohan's case, he's no longer representing her.

It is unclear who will represent Lindsay tomorrow when she turns herself in.

We do not know why Shapiro has left the case. He said publicly he would represent Lindsay only if she agreed to jail and followed his instructions.

Interestingly, Shawn Chapman Holley never signed the substitution of attorney form last Friday to get out of the case. So Shawn may be on the hook.

We're told tomorrow is going to be crazy!

I guess it really tells you where you are in life when Robert Shapiro doesn't want to be your lawyer. I mean, he defended O.J. Simpson knowing damn well that O.J. murdered two people and even he can't stand to be around Lindsay Lohan. It's a shame too because I heard he was going to borrow from Johnnie Cochran's playbook in this trial except instead of "if the glove don't fit you must acquit," he was going to go with "her panties don't fit so she gets high as shit."

Lean On Me

JaMarcus Russell Pleads Not Guilty in 'Sizzurp' Case
by TMZ Staff

Former #1 overall NFL draft pick JaMarcus Russell just appeared in an Alabama courtroom this morning where the 6'6" quarterback plead not guilty to illegally possessing codeine syrup ... aka sizzurp.

Russell -- who was recently cut by the Oakland Raiders for being terrible -- dressed for the occasion in a black on black suit that featured his initials -- and some fancy design -- embroidered into the breast.

As we previously reported, JaMarcus was arrested on July 5 after an undercover narcotics team searched his home.

He's due back in court in August.

Well it certainly seems that getting caught with codeine punch is the illegal activity de jeur for many dumbass athletes. Everything shifts. The NBA used to be about pot arrests and then they switched to guns. Now I guess the NFL has gone from steroids to sizzurp. Perhaps instead of getting gone off dat lean maybe JaMarcus should consider some performance enhancing drugs. Of course, ability never was his drawback. I guess they don't make a drug for being an idiot with accuracy problems. A book or a basic competency course might help but I don't see that in his near future.

P.S. - What the hell is with that suit? He looks like a caterer.

Texts From Last Nite Moment of the Day

(519): all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

(585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
-(518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

Doctor My Eyes (News To My Ears)

GLENN BECK SHOCKER
National Enquirer

FOX News host GLEN BECK tells audience grim doctor's report -- he's going blind!

In Salt Lake City over the weekend the controversial host, 46, stunned an audience of true believers when he told them he may be going blind.

At an American Revival meeting , Beck tearfully said, "I can't focus my eyes."

"I went to the best doctor I could find, while I could still go to the best doctor I can find," Beck took a;pot shot at health care reform.

Beck, said he had been diagnosed with the eye disorder macular dystrophy,

He said the doctor told him, "You could go blind in the next year . . .

"Or you might not."

Macular dystrophy affects the retina specifically a tiny concentration of cells called macula. The macula is needed for sharp central vision, detailed tasks such as reading, driving, and recognizing faces.

Do you think there's any chance that if Glen Beck loses his sight and can no longer see Barack Obama, he'll forget he's black and thus won't be able to hate him as much? No, I don't think so either. At least he won't have to cry about having to watch what's happening to his country since he won't be able to see it anymore. We'll just have to get his seeing eye hatemonger Sean Hannity to describe it for him. Anywho, before you lose your sight Glenn, make sure you get a good last look at this.