Today, I used the large bottle of oil on the counter to cook fries. I was so hungry that even though they tasted funny I ate them all. My mom later asked me if I knew what happened to all the liquid lamp oil she just bought. Poison control says I'll probably have severe diarrhea for several days. FML
Today, I said to my roommate, "I know what you're doing, and I want it to stop.". She responded, "I'm so sorry, it was just once and we were both so drunk." I was talking about her stealing my toothpaste, she was talking about making out with my boyfriend. FML
Today, I got a random text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML
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