Gone Bartending

Bartending again today. Here's a drinking song.

What’s Trendy?

Today’s top trending topic is a new HIV drug, Edurant, from Johnson & Johnson that is said to be able to stop the virus from reproducing.

It’s even said to be 83% effective at reducing viral levels, which is only 17% less effective than whatever the hell the government gave Magic Johnson and Tommy Morrison.

So it looks like we’re at least one step closer to the good old USA giving us the cure for AIDS that I’m pretty sure already exists.

Eventually we’ll get to see people just do this.

Frankly, I'd Rather Have My Skull Bashed In

I know a lot of Mavericks fans are upset today and I certainly understand that.

They’ve been waiting five years for a win in the NBA Finals and came up short last night but I know how they feel. I’ve been waiting two and a half months for Franklin and Bash and thus far I’ve gotten zilch. But that all ends tonight.

Tonight we embark upon a journey into TNT’s story of two devil may care lawyers that be about an accurate a depiction of the legal system as ‘Cop Rock’ was to law enforcement life.

The writing on the wall for this hackneyed show might as well have been scribbled on the back of the backboards during the NCAA Tourney when TNT first started inundating us with commercials for this bag of the same old occupational comedy crap with a 90’s teenybopper touch.

This show is doomed for a lot of reasons. In part because it’s going to suck but mainly because Mark Paul Gosselaar is on it. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Zack Morris. I still watch ‘Saved By the Bell’ and his appearance as a gay for pay porn star on ‘SVU’ was great but this guy’s nickname should officially be changed from “Preppy” to “The Sitcom Killer.”

He rode the elevator to the ratings basement on NYPD Blue and then followed that with failed series like ‘Over There,’ ‘Commander in Chief,’ and another legal show, ‘Raising the Bar.’

If Jessica Simpson is sexual napalm then Zack Morris is television anthrax. He may be sexual napalm too for all I know. He did just get a divorce.

And I’m not the only one ready to throw ‘Franklin and Bash’ to the dogs. TV critics from the Boston Globe and St. Louis Post Dispatch have already banged the gavel on this nonsense.

From the Boston Globe:

The fact that TNT has scheduled “Franklin & Bash’’ as the summer lead-in for one of its best series, “Men of a Certain Age,’’ is programming irony of the worst kind.

The new show celebrates the bratty, smarmy side of masculinity, with a pair of young lawyers who tirelessly remind us they are too cool for the room. “Men of a Certain Age,’’ meanwhile, is a light, poignant glimpse at the humanity lurking beneath the flatness of male cultural roles. Turn to TNT at 10 and save yourself the disruptive elevator ride from the bottom to the top.

I wish TNT would just do the sensible thing and give Charles Barkley a talk show. He would blow George Lopez’s ass out of the water. Of course he’s funny and Lopez is just a washed up comedian.

YouTube Video of the Day

You know just the other day I was lamenting that not enough collared shirts have pockets anymore and then this company goes out and raises the bar altogether. Not only do they include a pocket but it also keeps my beer cold? Sign me up!

And He's Still a Dick

Oddly enough, the hardest posts to fill on the blog are about celebrities. I know we think that at any given time there’s a sensational story about a drunk or high celeb hitting bottom but mostly it’s just TMZ falling them around doing nothing.

Then there’s Andy Dick. I could easily have a story once a week about Andy Dick getting drunk or high and sexually assaulting someone, male or female. He’s like the treasure trove of substance abuse and inappropriate touching.

I usually don’t even bother posting anything about him because it’s usually the same story over and over. Like this tale from 2010 that has pitted Dick in a legal battle with a male member of the audience at a show in Dallas. According to the man, Robert Tucker, Dick was wearing a dress during the bit and lifted the garment and rubbed his little Andy on Tucker.

Hey, I’m all for wang comedy but I think this guy has run the gag into the ground. What I don’t understand is why Tucker didn’t shove his fist down Andy Dick’s throat.

The guy weighs about a 105 and is constantly hammered on drugs. Sure, you might get tackled by security but you’d have a pretty good defense. He can’t just go around rubbing his junk on everyone.

Seriously though, why can’t Dr. Drew just keep this guy in a cage and study him? He’s like the ‘Outbreak’ monkey of celebrity screw ups.

Save A Horse, Ride A Broomstick

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I feel bad for these rodeo girls that they can’t get out in the dirt and show their stuff but I think riding a stick horse is about the most insanely idiotic things I’ve seen since Billy Madison tried to compare The Puppy Who Lost His Way to the Industrial Revolution.

Do you think the judges were just screwing with them? That’s got to be it because there’s no other excuse for making a competitor hop around with a painted broom between their legs like an ass.

Here’s hoping the horses get some equine Valtrex pretty quick and rejoin the circuit. It might also be a good ahead for the horses to stop having sex with this guy.

FML Moment of the Day

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

You Can't Beat the Rat Race at This Bar

Bar busted for running mouse races
By Mary Wisniewski/REUTERS

DES MOINES, Iowa - The owner of a tavern in a small town in the state of Iowa who said he ran mouse races on Sundays for fun, was cited by local police for allowing patrons to bet on the rodent running.

“It’s a blast,” said Scott Beach, 49, who ran the mouse races at the Bucktail Lodge in Danville. “The state’s taking the fun out of it.”

Bar patrons pick a mouse for a dollar, and whoever picks the winning mouse gets the payout, Scott Beach explained. He said the tavern made no money out of the betting.

The mice run on an eight-foot-long (2.4 meter) flat track, with each mouse racing in its own lane. Asked if he needed to put cheese at the end of the run to tempt the mice forward, Beach said, “No, they’re in their cages all day. They’re ready to run.”

He said he plays racing music for the mice, like “Wipe Out,” “Rawhide,” or George Jones’ “The Race is On.”

The Beaches held the mouse races for about two years, and then suspended them after most of the mice died. The deaths were not racing-related. The mice were accidentally left in the sun too long. The races were restarted with new mice about two and a half months ago, Beach said.

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I’m not going to go all PETA on this because I couldn’t give a mouse’s ass if mice are being mistreated but who would want to watch a bunch of mice run around a bar anyway.

How am I supposed to eat chicken wings and drink tap beer at a place that has vermin running loose around the joint? I’m by no means a germaphobe and the idea of it makes me want to gag.

I do have to give it to Beach for playing “The Race is On” though, that’s a great song choice. I would have also gone with “The Distance” by Cake or the Speed Racer theme.

P.S, - Maybe I’m wrong about this. I did think it was really funny when Peter Griffin played Gladiator Mice.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

He must have come up with some underboob loot.

White Straightjacket Comedy Tour

With only a handful of games remaining in the NBA Playoffs people are finally starting to come to grips with the prospect that the NBA will realistically join the NFL in having a talent lockout this offseason.

Players are starting to chirp about the prospect of a lockout and what the possible ramifications of such a labor move would be. Most of these guys don’t have a whole lot of other skills. I really don’t think Delonte West can substitute teach if there’s no season next year.

But don’t worry about Ron Artest. The fastly faltering forward and failed rap mogul has a backup plan for next season – comedy.

Artest is going to put on four dates of the “Ron Artest Ultimate Comedy Tour” at the Improv in L.A. this summer and said he could see it being a full-time career if the players are locked out next season.

You know, I bet he’d actually have some pretty funny bits about his therapy sessions but the real joke is on the Lakers who have no way of getting out of his contract.

If Ron does try his hand at comedy though, he needs someone to pattern himself after. Might I suggest the real gangsta of comedy, Gilbert Gottfried.

What's Trendy?

Today’s top trending topic is Nick Lachey who got married Sunday to Vanessa Minnillo, a TV actress hottie that has done some guest spots on ‘How I Met Your Mother’ and ’30 Rock.’

Nick is my favorite former boy bander and would have definitely been part of my entourage if I ever made it to Hollywood. Me, Nick, Rick Fox and Ric Flair. Now that’s an entourage you can’t screw with.

Oddly enough Lachey wasn’t the only former lover of Jessica Simpson’s to get married last weekend as Tony Romo tied the knot with Candice Crawford, a Dallas TV anchor and sister of 'Gossip Girl' star Chase Crawford.

Jessica sure does know how to drive them away. Must be all that sexual napalm John Mayer referred to.

SWEATing the inVESTigation - Tressel Resigns as OSU Coach

Who didn’t see this one coming?

After many months of steamrolling revelations that what was once considered to be an isolated incident of six college football players swapping some jerseys for tattoos was actually a near decade-long series of improper benefits and cover-ups, Jim Tressel is out at Ohio State.

Tressel’s decision to resign (which was about as voluntary as Old Yeller’s decision to be put down) comes as Sports Illustrated rolls out a story chronicling the many sins of the Tressel era Buckeyes. It’s a fascinating read with some pretty salacious details but it wasn’t anything we shouldn’t have seen coming, considering OSU’s past near misses with the NCAA concerning Maurice Clarett and Troy Smith.

There’s tales of free tats, free cars, free booze, free drugs and free love with Tressel, the perceived bastion of honesty and faith claiming to be blind to almost all that went on in Columbus.

The argument I’ve heard most from OSU fans is that Tressel is a scapegoat and that OSU’s problems are systemic and wider in range than just the football program. And in one way they’re right.

If what is written in the Sports Illustrated piece is even 50% true then Ohio State deserves a penalty no less than what USC received. Tressel claims to have been mainly ignorant of what went on at Ohio State.

Athletic Director Gene Smith has made no such claims but if he was ignorant then he has to be the poster boy for lack of institutional control and deserves to be terminated. If not he deserves to be fired for withholding the truth right alongside his former coach. The same goes for OSU’s compliance staff.

But Tressel deserves no sympathy for what he did was worse than doing nothing. He lied to the NCAA when he knew a violation had occurred. The NCAA will forgive ignorance. They’ll penalize the shit out of it, but they’ll forgive it. But lying is much different. That gets you axed and possibly held out of FBS for the rest of your life.

Lying to the NCAA is like running from the cops. You’re not going to get away with it and when you’re locked up for 25 years when you could have only gotten five you have to feel pretty damn stupid. So when Tressel watches Luke Fickell run out of the tunnel against Nebraska in Game 6 from his recliner he’ll probably feel pretty stupid that he didn’t inform the compliance staff, participate in an internal investigation, self-report violations and see this thing go away in 2-3 years. But he wanted to see if his reputation could outrun the law.

And as Tressel steps back into the shadows of Youngstown, where he first violated NCAA rules in an attempt to aid Youngstown State quarterback Ray Issac, his latest QB, Terrelle Pryor, takes his place in the NCAA’s crosshairs.



Pryor is part of a joint OSU/NCAA investigation after allegations that the senior QB has driven as many as nine cars during his three years in Columbus and revelations about just what went down at that tattoo parlor.

From SI.com:

Ellis estimates that Pryor alone brought in more than 20 items, including game-worn shoulder pads, multiple helmets, Nike cleats, jerseys, game pants and more. One day Ellis asked Pryor how he was able to take so much gear from the university's equipment room. Ellis says the quarter¬back responded, "I get whatever I want.”

Hmmm, does the NFL still have a supplemental draft during lockouts?

YouTube Video of the Day

Did this guy just forget he was on TV for about five seconds? Buddy this isn’t dress rehearsal for your sixth grade play, it’s the news.

Spanking the Competition (and helpless women)

In the last half-century we’ve seen corporal punishment make its way almost completely out of schools and churches and its use severely reduced in the home. But one area where spanking seems to be making a comeback – the restaurant business.

Virginia Beach restaurateur Henry Fitzsimmons has been charged with multiple accounts of sexual assault after allegedly forcing or coercing five women into bare-bottom spankings.

One spankee was a former employee who Fitzsimmons has accused of stealing thousands from his business. Another had to trade a spanking for a birthday party for her daughter. And the other three? Well, their asses must have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time (aka Envy Bar and Grill after business hours).

While Fitzsimmons denies he spanked anyone there seems to be photo evidence and prosecutors say the restaurateur disciplined these women under the guidelines of a scholarship system he called the “Spencer Scholarship Program”. Basically he gave them money and got to get his spank on whenever he felt it was needed.

From there on the story gets really creepy. Apparently Fitzsimmons’ scholarship scheme is just a take on a 1930s plan allegedly written by a wife to easily solve misunderstandings between married couples. But it was more like the work of a husband who wanted to spank his wife when she burned the roast.

Then some nutjob got a hold of it and released it on the internet for goons like Fitzsimmons to latch onto. This website basically outlines the whole thing in writing. I discourage you from doing your any further web investigation unless you like creepy pictures of middle aged men spanking their wives.

Fitzsimmons is a pretty feeble looking old man. They should have just taken the riding crop away and spanked his wrinkled old ass.

I’ll say one thing for Fitzsimmons though. His restaurant has some of the most tender meat in the country. I wonder what his tenderizing method is.

They’re Playing Basketball!

So after what seems like six months we’ve finally reached the NBA Finals. I don’t have much to say about this series. I’m sure it will be exciting but I’ve pretty much become the wet blanket of basketball talk since Jim Buss seems determined to ruin the lives of every Laker fan.

As much as I’m sick of seeing happy Mavericks fans jumping around while I’m miserable I’d pull for them against any part of my NBA axis of evil (Boston, Miami, San Antonio). And if they’re not the Germans, the Japanese or the Italians, they’re at least the NWO.



I've got Dallas winning in 6 because of their depth, Dirk’s high arching shot creating a tough guard for any opponent and lights out shooting from the supporting cast thus far in the playoffs.

P.S. – Jason Terry better hope Dallas wins. If not he said he’ll have to have a tattoo of the championship trophy removed from his arm.

FML Moment of the Day

Today, I was walking through town when a rough looking woman asked me for a cigarette. I don't smoke but I offered her some apples, and she took two. As I continued on past her, she pegged both of them at me, hitting the back of my head. FML

You Got Pac’ed!

There are tons of conspiracy theories in the world. Most are about the government, aliens or President Obama but some are even about hip-hop. Most notably there are still many who believe Tupac Shakur is still alive and if you read PBS’ website Monday you would have thought the rumors were true.

A hacker group called The Lulz Boat hacked PBS’ website and posted a story about the late rapper being alive and well, living in a town in New Zealand. PBS eventually stopped watching whatever ken burns documentary they had on and removed the story.

The Lulz Boat posted the story because they were “less than impressed” with PBS’ program “Wikisecrets.”

Now this is the kind of hacking i can get behind. These guys didn’t try to steal my credit card info or take out a car loan in my name. They just made me think 2pac was alive for a little while, which made me really happy. All cyber terrorists should operate this way. I hope next week they post on IMDB’s website that Chris Farley is really still alive.

You never know though. 2pac may still be alive. I mean he keeps making music 15 years after he died.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

How bout you Sideburns, you want some of this milk?

Jackpot Meats Jackass

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Has there ever been a better example of the bad apple that spoiled it for the whole bunch? This is the kind of abuse conservatives can easily point to when they want to point out how awfully the government operates and how the poor and lazy are getting a free ride in a fancy car. It’s like the time MTV went with Old Dirty Bastard to collect his food stamps when he had a platinum album on the hip-hop charts. So way to go dude, you found a loophole. I hope you get Madoffed.

Hey Bartender!

I'm bartending again today as I still haven't received tribute from any of you. If you want any of my comedic ramblings you can come tip me at Grant Street Bar & Grill in Downtown Odessa. I get off at 6.

Just to give you something to get by I'll leave you with a bartending song and a really interesting read about Macho Man Randy Savage and his first love - baseball.

What’s Trendy?

Today’s top trending topic is McDonald’s and its decision to switch from Italian-flavored chicken in its chicken sandwich to a “more neutral flavor” that uses French seasoning.

This decision comes only weeks after McDonald’s announcement that they are in the beginning stages of a $1 billion dollar process of making their stores look more upscale.

Jim Carras, senior vice president of domestic restaurant development for the McDonald’s told USA Today that "McDonald's has to change with the times. And we have to do so faster than we ever have before.”

Why the hell is the #1 fast food chain in recorded history making so many changes? McDonald’s serves 58 million people a day and has served billions of burgers in its history. Hell, some dude from Wisconsin just ate his 25,000th Big Mac last week. So if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Sure, some people hate Mickey D’s. I’m one of them. But nothing is going to make me like it either. They can start selling $5 Kobe beef burgers and turn the place into a strip club at night and I’m still not going.

So why risk upsetting the 58 million + customers they do have in the off chance they might attract others? I just don’t get it.

Pint Sized Patriot is Big Time Mad

One thing I learned while covering Tech football is to watch what you wrote about Wes Welker or his friends. He tends to hold a grudge.

And the NFL owners have just climed their way to the top of his shit list.

At an event for kids in Oklahoma City Welker quipped that he was enjoying his time off from football and they should have a lockout every year.

It was clearly a joke but in this over-sensitive environment anything can and will be taken the wrong way (Reggie Bush anyone?).

One could have expected lunatic fans to take Welker’s joke out of context but what about intelligent, savvy owners? Well, they did too.

The NFL owners brought up Welker’s comment during court proceedings, probably to undermine how players are suffering being out of work and to show they don’t care about the game.

Let’s just say the sub six-foot wideout wasn’t too happy about it.
From ESPN.com

"I said that as a joke and yet they use it in the court of law," Welker said Friday on Boston radio station WAAF. "It was a little bit disappointing. It's kind of discouraging they would actually use that in the court of law, and you have to see it everywhere and things like that."

"Shoot, I guess the gloves are off, and they're going after everything," Welker said, laughing. "You have to really watch what you say, whether you're joking or not."

I’m usually not one to take up for Wes Welker. I usually just make snide remarks about him and hope he trips while he’s running but he’s clearly getting the shaft here. What he said was a damn joke and the NFL trying to use that to show players don’t care is an even bigger joke.

WW may have bouts of Napoleon syndrome but no one cares more about the game than him. In fact Wes and his butt buddy Tom Brady will probably be rounding up their Pats teammates for workouts soon.

Speaking of Brady, it looks like he’s enjoying his off time.



Nice job flapping your wrists there Tom. This guy is the face of the NFL, has one of the hottest wives in the world and yet he’s incapable of looking cool in a photo. Evidence below and at this site.

YouTube Video of the Day

You may all remember the 1980s Wendy's training videos that I posted shortly before and after the dark months when the BYB was discontinued. Well, here's another one that features a song sure to get stuck in your head.

"Chili Can Be Served With Cheese!"

This Tiger is Still Intimidating

There were a lot of golfers when they showed up to the course and heard there was a Tiger on the prowl.

But that course was not the TPC Las Colinas in Irving, the home of the Byron Nelson Championship. And that tiger was not Tiger Woods, it was a real tiger…well at least they thought it was.

A golf course in Hampshire, U.K. was on high alert last weekend when a white tiger was spotted near a golf course.



Zoo officials responded and were prepared to tranquilize the beast when they realized it was only a stuffed animal.

Police have launched an investigation into who pulled one of the greatest goofs I’ve ever heard of but no arrests have been made.

From the QMI Agency:

As the helicopter neared what was first reported to be a dangerous animal in the grassy field, it detected no heat and the stuffy blew over with a gust.

On Saturday, Sussex Police helicopter officials tweeted, "Tiger seen near golf course, concerns for members of the public!"

Then later, another tweet: "Initially there was great concern for the public that a tiger had escaped the local zoo, luckily, it wasn't real."

I’ve got to give it up for whoever pulled this gag. I usually just honk at golfers in their backswing when I’m driving past a course but this is way better.

In a related note this is the first time someone has been scared when they heard a Tiger was on the course in a long time.

Buy Me Some Bacon and Cracker Jacks?

There’s nothing like a baseball game. The crack of the bat, the feel of the hot sun on your face, the taste of a cold beer and peanuts, and the smell of the bacon?
Kevin Bacon that is.

Bacon, the star of ‘Footloose’ appeared Tuesday at Bacon Night, a promotion by the Virginia Pork Industry Board at the Richmond Flying Squirrels game. The Flying Squirrels are the AA affiliate of the San Francisco Giants.

The famed actor, who is a Virginia native, threw out the first pitch and took part in game promotions, one of which netted a fan a one-year supply of bacon. Maybe next year KB can come back for that fan’s funeral when he dies of a heart attack.

Most celebs don’t even show up for these minor league promotions honoring them but after Bacon lost his ass in Madoff Ponzi scheme he probably has no choice. He might have even been doing it for free hot dogs and beer. Thank you sir, may I have another.

Anywho, let’s root, root, root for the home team and let’s hear it for the boy!

FML Moment of the Day

Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML

Unabomber - Jagged Little Pill?

You can get a lot accomplished with a little peace and quiet.

In Ted Kaczynski’s case he made and shipped 16 bombs, killed three people and injured 20 more.

But is that all he did?

The FBI is probing Kaczynski, known as the Unabomber, as a suspect in the 1982 Tylenol murders, which claimed the lives of eight people in Chicago after they took cyanide laced Tylenol they bought at area stores.

From the National Enquirer:

Chicago FBI spokeswoman Cynthia Yates said the FBI wants the DNA from Kaczynski and "numerous individuals," although she declined to provide details about the other suspects.

The feds would try to compel the convicted madman to give a DNA swab, but in a motion filed in California, Kaczynski’s lawyer stated he was told the FBI would try to force his hand.

John Balasz, Kaczynski's attorney, said he believes the FBI is wants Kaczynski's DNA simply to eliminate him as a suspect in the ongoing Tylenol investigation.
Balasz said he's "completely convinced" that Kaczynski had no involvement in the case.

The U.S. Marshals Service is currently auctioning off items seized from Kaczynski's home. Ahead of that auction, he filed the court motion in California asking the court to order the government to keep certain items taken from his cabin in 1996, including journals that could prove his whereabouts in 1982 and other evidence that could clear him in the Tylenol case.

I’m guessing Teddy K didn’t have anything to do with the Tylenol murders. His crimes were centered around lashing out at the technology and aviation industries. I’m not sure how killing John Q. Public with tainted headache medicine plays into that.

BTW, who would want to buy something from the Unabomber’s shack? He didn’t even have running water there. He crapped in an outhouse. I can’t imagine he had anything that anyone would want, even if they are a sick fan of his.

Ultimately I think it’s just easier to imagine the Boogeyman did every crime. And Teddy K. has some previous experience with this phenomenon – he is also still a suspect in the 1960s Zodiac killings in San Francisco.



Odds are the Unabomber is only guilty of the crimes he’s been convicted of and of having the worst police sketch of all-time. But if the FBI is really this curious they could always toss some porn in his Supermax cell and then steal his pillowcase for DNA. Or yank out some of his beard hair in the shower.

You Should See Her Engagement Power Glove

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Yeah, it’s all fun and games to have a Super Mario wedding until Luigi shows up drunk and professes his unrequited love for the Princess. Oh, Luigi. Always a groomsman, never a groom.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

Damn, dirty hippy.

What Makes You Think She Won't Cut You...and Your Pizza?

Police: Woman draws sword during argument at Pizza Hut
WLKY.com

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — A Louisville woman faces first-degree disorderly conduct and menacing charges after police said she took out a sword during an argument at a Pizza Hut.

According to an arrest report, Wynika Mason was causing trouble at the Pizza Hut on Seventh Street Road and police were called.

When police arrived, she began yelling at them, the report said.

Customers and employees were in the restaurant, and employees said they felt threatened by Mason’s behavior.

An employee told police Mason had a sword with her and began yelling and pulling it out of the scabbard, according to the police report. The report also stated Mason’s brother said he took the sword from her and put it in the car.

Officers were given consent to search the vehicle and found the sword on the driver’s seat.

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Doesn't it seem like there are a lot of stories about crazy people with swords? I guess when you're a raving nut and can't get a gun a sword is the next best thing.

I do see why she had a sword at Pizza Hut though. That crust is pretty hard sometimes. Plus if anyone tries to line jump at the buffet you've got to be prepared.

What's Trendy?

Today’s top trending topic is October 21. As in the next date for Harold Camping’s Rapture.

Camping ended three days of silence today to announce to the world October 21, 2011 is the date for the real Rapture.

Oops he did it again.

Camping, who first predicted the Rapture would occur in 1994 and then May 21, 2011 has apologized for having not worked out the date of the end of the world as accurately as he could have.

Don’t worry bro. No harm, no foul. Except for all the dullards who blew their life savings on you. And it seems like some of these sheep are starting to see Camping as the wolf he is.

Josh Occasion, the teleprompter guy for Camping’s radio and TV broadcasts, told the AP he was already skeptical of Camping and now he’s starting to think the guy is an all-around dick.

From the AP:

"I thought he would show some more human decency in admitting he made a mistake," he said Monday. "We didn't really see that."

Follower Jeff Hopkins said he spent a good deal of his own retirement savings on gas money to power his car so people would see its ominous lighted sign showcasing Camping's May 21 warning. As the appointed day drew nearer, Hopkins started making the 100-mile round trip from Long Island to New York City twice a day, spending at least $15 on gas each trip.

"I've been mocked and scoffed and cursed at and I've been through a lot with this lighted sign on top of my car," said Hopkins, 52, a former television producer who lives in Great River, NY. "I was doing what I've been instructed to do through the Bible, but now I've been stymied. It's like getting slapped in the face."

Family Radio would never tell anyone what they should do with their belongings, and those who had fewer would cope, Camping said.

"We're not in the business of financial advice," he said. "We're in the business of telling people there's someone who you can maybe talk to, maybe pray to, and that's God."

But he also said that he wouldn't give away all his possessions ahead of Oct 21.

"I still have to live in a house, I still have to drive a car," he said. "What would be the value of that? If it is Judgment Day why would I give it away?"

Well Harold Camping can preach his crazy all he wants but I’m starting to think his flock is all stocked up.

I know one thing for sure though. I’m looting this time and if no Christians disappear I’m going to Camping’s pad and looting all his stuff.

World Wide Leader in Dirt

ESPN wrote the book on cable sports coverage. Unfortunately for them James Andrew Miller and Tom Shales wrote the book on them.

It’s been 24 hours since ESPN: Those Guys Have All the Fun was released and the public has gotten to read all the salacious details about the meteoric rise of ESPN and its high profile employees and that doesn’t even include the story about Sean Salisbury showing his penis to everyone.

Several of the book’s anecdotes were leaked on the internet last week, most notably Keith Olberman not playing well with others (http://www.gq.com/sports/profiles/201106/espn-oral-history-sportscenter-keith-olbermann) and confirmation of my theory that ESPN was well aware Joe Namath was drunk before the Suzy Kolber interview and should have never put him on camera.

Producer on Kolber-Namath: "At halftime, when Joe was introduced he fell on his face at midfield. That’s how stinking drunk he was."

But I’m a Tony Kornheiser follower and the most appealing part of the book to me is the truth about the failure of Kornheiser on Monday Night football.



Bill Simmons on TK on MNF:

Tirico's always been nice to me, and I think he's a talented guy, but I thought how he acted was unforgivable, and I continue to feel bad for Tony... I had watched all of those Kornheiser games thinking, "If I was in that spot, and the expectation was that I was supposed to entertain, and had this guy with me who was subtly undermining me, changing the subject on me and greeting my jokes with dead silence, I would eventually strangle this person on live TV." Kornheiser is a better person than I am, apparently.

Also covered will be the mini-war between Mr. Tony and Chris Berman.

TK on Berman:

“The whole time I was on Monday night, Berman never mentioned my name. He loathes me, in part because of stuff I used to write about him. Berman and I have an antagonism that goes back many, many years, long before I ever got to ESPN.

Once in Minnesota, the big grand poo-bah stood there and lectured me, screaming at me about how great he was, how significant he was, how he built the network, and how I ought to be more grateful.

That’s when he accused me of writing the blog about him and that leather thing (a rumor that Chris Berman supposedly picked up a woman wearing a leather jacket at a bar simply by uttering the words, “You’re with me, leather.”).

He said, “I know how it got on the Internet.” I asked him, “What the hell are you talking about?”

While Tony was without blame in that case he certainly didn’t endear himself to the Swami by saying he was fat as a house on his Washington radio show.
Fast forward 40 seconds for the Berman slam.



I’m usually not a reader (unless you call internet porn descriptions reading) but I may have to make an exception to get the dirt on ESPN.

YouTube Video of the Day

Last week I brought you the antics of Maverick politician Dan Adler who is turning a lot of heads in Congress with his crazy YouTube videos. Well, he's back at it again. This time with some help from Hollywood.

If You Can't Stand the Heat Stay In the Arena

Joakim Noah isn’t the only one feeling the Heat from Miami fans.

TNT’s Charles Barkley has also been going round and round with Heat faithful after spending most of the season calling their team whiners.

After the Heat won Game 3 Heat fans threw towels at Barkley and chanted “fuck you Chuck.”

Barkley retaliated with a threat and a middle finger salute during a commercial.



Anyone who watched TNT’s coverage of the Bulls and Heat Game 4 saw that TNT moved the analyst area to keep Barkley away from Heat fans.

And if Barkley’s quotes are any indication it may have been for the fans’ safety and not his.
From the South Florida Sun-Sentinel:

"You know those people can yell and scream but they don't have the hair on their (butt) to grab me," he said. "They don't have enough hair on their (butts) to walk up to me man to man and say, 'Let's do this.'

"All that yelling and screaming just makes me laugh, man."
Barkley found Sunday's scene amusing.

"They were telling me I suck," he said. "They were telling me I never won a championship. Like, 'Come on, give me something better than that, dude.'

"I always laugh at that statement, 'You didn't get a ring. 'I'm like, dude, you work at McDonald's. My life's a lot better than yours. You relax.'

Get ‘em Chuck! Anyone who calls out the Round Mound of Rebound is a moron!

Horse Training

Some people won’t go anywhere without their pets, like Paris Hilton, blind people and this guy from England who tried to board a train with his pony.

From the QMI Agency:

A man was asked to leave a train station after he tried to board a train with a pony in Wales over the weekend.

The man was captured on closed-circuit television Saturday at Wrexham General Station with a white pony, the BBC reported.

After he was refused entry on the train by a conductor, he went back to the ticket booth and tried to buy two tickets - one for himself, and one for the pony.
The man left the station with the animal in tow.

Later, the same man and pony showed up at the local hospital, where the man asked for a doctor to treat the pony.

That’s a lot of horsing around. Maybe this guy has just been reading the BYB and thought if Tabitha Darling could do it so could he. Plus, he tried to follow the rules at the train station. I mean, he bought two tickets.

FML Moment of the Day

Today, it's my birthday. At my workplace, we always get a cake for whoever's birthday it is. They somehow forgot about me. My grandparents and my dad own the restaurant I work at. FML

Get My Kid Out of My Chrysler

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Kids, eh? Can’t live with them, can’t run them over with your minivan. It’s amazing to me how badly some people treat their kids. I realize kids can be sociopathic brats most of the time but you can’t run them over with a car lady. Not to mention it was your stupid idea to have a kid in the first place. Deal with it without putting tire tracks in your daughter’s ass.

One Courageous Grandpa

I usually try to keep it pretty light in the Back Yard but there’s really no way to chuckle at this story – unless you’re a sick bastard.

This is the tale of 76-year-old Henry Scmidt who freed himself from a prison of duct tape and rolled 100 feet down his driveway to get help. This was after he endured a two-day ordeal of being robbed, tied up, starved and left for dead by two punks.

From the Houston Chronicle:

Henry Schmidt lay on the floor of his home in rural northwest Harris County, alone and trapped, believing he was going to die.

Two intruders had swaddled the 76-year-old man in a quilt, strapping him with duct tape before burglarizing his house. He was bound hand and foot, with another layer of the silver-colored tape coiled around his body.

For nearly two days after the burglary earlier this month, Schmidt was wrapped in the makeshift cocoon, barely able to move.

Investigators say Erick Carranza, 27, and Junior Velas¬quez, 18, came to Schmidt's home around 6 p.m. on May 3 with a roll of duct tape and knocked on the door. When Schmidt opened it, they forced their way in and knocked him to the floor before taping his limbs in a back bedroom, Lt. Jeff Stauber said.

The two then allegedly spent several hours ransacking the home, leaving with guns, a riding mower and Schmidt's vehicle and trailer.

Schmidt managed to roll himself into the kitchen during the night, only to be taken back to the bedroom when the two returned the next morning. They then spent about two hours cleaning the house in an attempt to eliminate evidence before leaving with more of Schmidt's belongings, Stauber said.

Schmidt, although dehydrated and with little strength left, then resumed his struggle to free himself.

After several hours, the elderly man was eventually able to free his arms from the quilt. His wrists still taped together, Schmidt crawled on his elbows to the kitchen. There he pried open the refrigerator and knocked some grapes to the floor to eat. Then, again using his elbows, he worked his way to a rear entrance and used his feet to slide the door open.

Schmidt crawled outside on his elbows and rolled some 100 feet down a concrete drive to the road. Some two hours passed before a motorist finally stopped, freed him and summoned help.

Paramedics transported Schmidt to a hospital, where he was treated for his injuries. Stauber said he was bound so tightly that pieces of adhesive remained on his skin, and his elbows were bloody from scooting on the ground.

Carranza and Velasquez have been charged with aggravated robbery and unlawful restraint with serious bodily injury.

Carranza was released from the Harris County Jail on bail of $50,000, and is scheduled to appear in court June 10. Velasquez, who has an immigration hold on his case, remains in County Jail in lieu of bail set at $70,000. He is scheduled to appear in court today.

Can you believe one of these guys is out on bail? I’m all for innocence until proven guilty but if I was one of those cops it would have been hard for me not to stomp on these guys’ heads until my foot was covered in brains.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

Pimpin' ain't easy...especially with false teeth.

Rehab Is For Quitters...and Boxers

Most people don’t send themselves to rehab. Of course most people don’t win 39 pro fights and 10 boxing titles.

Oscar De La Hoya checked himself into rehab last weekend after doing some intense soul searching.

From TMZ.com

After doing an honest evaluation of myself, I recognize that there are certain issues that I need to work on. Like everyone, I have my flaws, and I do not want to be one of those people that is afraid to admit and address those flaws.

"Throughout my career and my life, I have always met all challenges head-on, and this is no different. I am confident that with the support of my family and friends, I will become a stronger, healthier person.

"I ask for respect and privacy as my family and I go through this process."

Clearly, issuing a statement via TMZ is the best way to ensure respect for privacy.

It was fairly obvious De La Hoya may have had a substance abuse issue. Why else would one don fishnets and drag for a series of embarrassing photos that got leaked on the internet? Also, it’s kind of silly to ask for privacy when the whole world has seen bedroom photos of you dressed up like a woman.



Anywho, here’s hoping De La Hoya makes a speedy recovery and never shows his feminine side like that again.

What's Trendy?

Today’s top trending topic is Patricia Heaton (it’s okay if you don’t know who she is) who is again trying to promote herself with her faith and telling anyone who’ll listen how discriminated against she’s been in Hollywood.

Heaton, one of the stars of ABC’s ‘The Middle’ and Debra from ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ first made headlines for this some years back when she complained that she had trouble finding a job after ‘Raymond’ wrapped because of her conservative Christian beliefs. But she did find a job as a fake newscaster on FOX’s ‘Back to You,’ a short lived sitcom that made most of FOX News’ loony talking heads look polished by comparison.

After ‘Back to You’ failed to impress any of you she landed another gig in ‘The Middle.’ So, last time I checked this broad has landed two sitcom gigs in the last five years and yet she still thinks she’s discriminated against?

Look honey, you’re not being punished for your politics. Mel Gibson is being punished for his politics…and beating his ex-wife. You’re just not that good.

Oh Yeah!!!

“Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Macho, macho man (macho man)
I've got to be, a macho man
Macho, macho man
I've got to be a macho! Ow....”
-The Village People

Friday in Seminole, Fla. a little piece of my childhood perished when Macho Man Randy Savage’s car careened over a median into oncoming traffic and collided with a tree.

The medical examiner is still unsure of how Savage died but his brother Larry Poffo believes he had a heart attack. I think maybe he was just too awesome.

I know I’m just a little late to this party on this news but consider this the first memorial service for the Macho Man. Plus I wanted to see what the WWE would come up with for a tribute video and they didn’t disappoint at RAW last night.



What is there to say about a sports entertainment icon like Randy Savage? His flying elbow was one of the most recognizable and imitated movies in pro wrestling history. I should know. If my ribs hadn’t been covered with a substantial layer of husky boy padding my brother’s flying bow from my parent’s chest of drawers onto the bed would have destroyed most of my internal organs.

Savage’s colleagues in the wrestling industry have come out of the woodwork to talk about how much he meant to the business and how much he meant to each of them in a series of tweets.

My favorite thus far comes from Kevin Nash who tweeted “I lost a close friend today. If anybody in heaven is wondering who the cat in the ugly cowboy hat is it's Randy. Love you Bro. Never another.”

The biggest take away from Savage’s career was his notoriety amongst casual fans. Most of the girls I knew growing up would have rather had a midnight love session with Steve Urkel than watch 10 minutes of wrestling but they could have pointed Macho Man out of a lineup.

Fans love seeing him so much they’ll even superimpose his image into places he’s never been – a service offered by both Randy Savage Is Everywhere and Where’s Randy Savage?

Here’s the Macho Man image I remember most. I hate snakes more than anything in the world. I can’t even stand to see them on TV but I couldn’t turn my back on the Macho Man. I watched Jake the Snake’s pet Damien tear through Savage’s arm with tears in my eyes.



Not to worry though. Macho Man got his revenge and Jake the Snake is wrestling in high school gyms now.

So raise your glasses to the King of Madness, the seller of Slim Jims and one of the best all-around ring performers ever.

P.S. – In case Harold Camping was wondering why the Rapture didn’t happen Saturday.

YouTube Video of the Day

If this is the new standard for marriage proposals it looks like I really am never getting married. I wouldn’t go to these extremes to land Bar Refaeli, and she’s smoking hot and her name is my favorite word.

CRAPture - Their Brains May Have Fled But Their Souls and Bodies Are Still Here

Was anyone else disappointed there was no Rapture last weekend? Well, Harold Camping certainly was.

Camping, who bilked hundreds of followers into wasting their time and money on his failed rapture prophecy that the world soon end, resurfaced Monday and told the San Francisco Chronicle he was “flabbergasted” that the Rapture did not occur.

From SFGate.com

"It has been a really tough weekend. I'm looking for answers," Camping said, adding that meant frequent prayer and consultations with friends.

"But now I have nothing else to say," he said, closing the door to his home. "I'll be back to work Monday and will say more then."

He thinks he’s had a tough weekend. What about all the free stuff I missed out on?

Six o’clock came Saturday and I was set to go get my loot on like it was South Central L.A. 1992 and then nothing happened. I was really looking forward to the first and last Heathen’s Halloween where, instead of getting candy, I’d get cars, clothes and cash but instead I just got to keep all my Christian friends.

I do take solace though in all the stories about people who quit their jobs and blew their savings on Harold Camping’s Crapture.

Like Robert Fitzpatrick, a retired Metro worker from New York who blew $140,000 on ads and billboards promoting this thing. He told a Nigerian newspaper, “I do not understand why... I do not understand why nothing has happened. I can’t tell you what I feel right now. Obviously, I haven’t understood it correctly because we’re still here.”

Don’t be so hard on yourself Fitzy. You didn’t misinterpret anything. You’re just a gullible dumbass.

I’ve even seen some stories on TV where people like Fitzgerald are being pitied and that’s asinine. Though, I do appreciate them because, like many of the other people I ridicule in the Back Yard, they make me feel better about myself.

P.S. - I just hope this South Korean guy wasn't influenced by Camping. He must have been so eager to impress Jesus that instead of waiting for the Rapture he went ahead an crucified himself.

From the AP:

SEOUL, South Korea — A South Korean taxi driver found dead and nailed to a cross in an apparent re-creation of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ probably carried out the ordeal on his own, police said Wednesday.

The 58-year-old man was wearing only underwear and a crown of thorns when he was found May 1 — one week after Easter — in an abandoned stone quarry in the country's south. His hands and feet were nailed to the cross, there was a stab wound in his abdomen and nylon strings were tied around his neck.

Kim is believed to have nailed his feet to the cross, tied his neck to it and stabbed himself in the side. He is then believed to have drilled holes in his hands and slipped them over nails on the cross.

Yeesh, some people are just too sick for their own good.

They’re Playing Basketball (and still yelling gay slurs)

They love this game but they don’t love those gays.

After one of the NBA’s front and center stars, Kobe Bryant, pelted ref Bennie Adams with a gay slur during a late season game the league did a full court press on the gay community.

Bryant was punished with a stiff fine and prodded into making a video about sensitivity. The NBA also did a slew of PR work attempting to bridge the gap with the gay community.

But whatever progress the NBA had made into the good graces of the gay community may have been negated last night after the Bulls’ Joakim Noah “pulled a Kobe” and shouted “fuck you faggot” at a heckling fan.



BTW this is now known as “pulling a Kobe” as the old “pulling a Kobe” is now known as “visiting Big Ben.”

Noah apologized following the game but not before footage of the incident took over the internet quicker than Dan Savage’s definition for “santorum.” TMZ started the fun at 7:41 p.m. and it now stands to reason that TMZ is staring a hole through the TV during these games with one hand on the DVR remote and another on the keyboard. They’re like the FCC during a Super Bowl halftime show or ‘South Park.’

Now the NBA has to go back to square one in convincing twinks and bears to watch Heat and Bulls.

Only days after Rick Welts, the Phoenix Suns president who outed himself last week, said he found the NBA to be more tolerant than he thought there is now this issue to address, which will take time away from overanalyzing Russell Westbrook and pondering the contents of Kevin Durant’s backpack.

FML Moment of the Day

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

Quote the Raven - Nevermore!

Seventy-two days since the NFL lockout began and we’re still no closer to pro football and it’s starting to take its toll on folks.

Last week during one of my bar shifts I found myself in a heated argument over the lockout before I realized I didn’t even care about the NFL. Imagine how hard this is for diehard fans.

People are on edge but if you believe Ray Lewis things are about to get worse. Lewis told ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio last week that violence would rise if a deal doesn’t get done.

"Do this research if we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game. There's too many people that live through us, people live through us," he said. “Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time."

Many people saw ESPN’s headline for this story and misinterpreted it to mean that Lewis was saying NFL players, not fans, would become violent if the lockout continued and, in actuality, people having that false reaction were more right than Ray.

“It started with him refusing to pay his bill at a club,” said Miami Beach Police detective Juan Sanchez. “He became aggressive while being ejected by bouncers and two off-duty officers were summoned. They gave him the opportunity to settle his bill and he refused. He attacked one of the officers. Both officers suffered minor injuries.”

An NFL player refusing to pay his tab? These are the same guys that usually love to throw their money around. They like to make it rain but with the prospect of no season coming up they’re not even sure they can make it drizzle.

And it’s not just small timers like Wolfe. Dez Bryant is in debt up to his eyeballs and Brandon Marshall can’t even escape escalating violence in his own home.

If these guys don’t get paid and the weekend warriors don’t get their NFL catharsis it may be all out war in the streets. Take it from Ray. He happens to know a little bit about street violence.



Picture a post-Apocalyptic world with Ray patrolling the streets of Baltimore in full pads with two pit bulls? Who will help his protect that house? Not Chad Ochocinco. He’ll be dead in a rodeo pit with a bull’s horn sticking through his stomach.

He's Bringing Funny Back!

Those who have social lives and had better things to do Saturday night than drink vodka in their underwear and watched SNL last week missed a pretty damn good show.

Justin Timberlake used his well-tested formula of duplicated sketches to keep his crown as SNL’s best host and even got Lady Gaga involved in the comedy in a way that didn’t completely horrify me.

The highlight is obviously JT and Andy Samberg reteaming to continue the “dick in a box” franchise with a song about a threesome with Lady Gaga (aka a devils triangle that not even Satan wants anything to do with).



He also reworked the “Barry Gibb Show” sketch with Jimmy Fallon, the carnival ride robot gone wrong sketch and the “Homelessville” sidewalk singer sketch, this time at a liquor store dressed as a giant beer. Don’t expect to find that one on NBC.com though as Lady Gaga joined him as a giant wine bottle and she had a label malfunction (her nipple popped out).

I’ve never been so conflicted on the prospect of network TV nudity. She straddles the fence of attractiveness like it’s the Mendoza line and I’m just not sure I’m interested in seeing her naked.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

You cheeky monkey.

Lost and Found (He's Lost His Mind)

Do the right thing.

It may just be the name of a movie to you and me but to Utah man Josh Ferrin it meant handing out more free cheddar than Hicory Farms.

Ferrin, who recently purchased a house from the family of recently deceased homeowner Arnold Bangerter, found $45,000 in a metal ammunition box and instead of keeping the money, he returned it to Bangerter’s kids.

From the Desert News:

"You can't make plans for money like this that's found in a situation like this," Josh Ferrin told the Deseret News, the Utah newspaper where he works as an artist, on Wednesday. "It just doesn't feel right to do anything but give it back."

I admire Mr. Ferrin for doing the right thing and normally I’d claim that I’d have done the same but I’m not so sure in this case. Bangerter’s kids would have never known this money existed. They wouldn’t have missed it. No harm, no foul, right?

I think Mr. Ferrin is too Promise Keepers and not enough finders keepers.

Hard Working Man

As you may have noticed there's no blog today. You may feel cheated because there was no blog on Monday or Tuesday either but I have a legitimate excuse today. I picked up a couple bartending shifts this week to make ends meet. Maybe if you punks started paying me tribute I wouldn't have to. if you want to make it up to me you can come tip me at Grant Street Bar & Grill in Downtown Odessa. I get off at 6.

Just to show there's no hard feelings here's a great working song by Huey Lewis and the News to get your weekend going.

What’s Trendy?

Today’s top trending topic is the Rapture and Rapture parties set to take place Saturday night.

The mass exodus of pure Christian souls to Heaven has gained notoriety this week after the prediction of Harold Camping, the civil engineer turned leader of Family Radio that the Rapture would occur this Saturday.

From the Seattle Times:

Looking at biblical passages, and using mathematical calculations, Camping says he's pinpointed the date of the Rapture to May 21. Those left on Earth will then go through five months of "horror and chaos beyond description" before the world ends on Oct. 21, according to Family Radio's website.

Camping’s prediction has been met with criticism by atheists and sane people alike and many atheist groups are holding Rapture parties to celebrate his idiocy.

Seattle atheist Paul Case told the Seattle Times that if "(the rapture) occurs, it's a good thing for us. We get the real estate and cheap cars, and we won't have to worry about separation of church and state,” and if the Rapture doesn't happen, "it's another egg in the face of those who say the end times will come. So it's a win-win for us.”

I’m really happy to hear about this story because I don’t have plans for Saturday. Now I can either watch a religious nut eat crow or see a bunch of Christians fly naked through the sky. Either way I’m entertained. Honestly I wish the Rapture would happen so I could loot some Christian houses. My unholy ass could certainly use the money.

My Next Job?

As some of you may know I have struggled to find a sports information/marketing/journalism job after a hiatus in employment. The jobs I could get I wouldn’t want and I don’t have the experience needed for the ones I would want.

It’s a vicious Catch 22 or at least I think. Much like Dirk Diggler I still don’t fully grasp what a Catch 22 is.

Little did I know the entire situation is entirely my fault. Despite spending tens of thousands of dollars on two degrees I should actually be making minimum wage as slave labor for a sportswriter. Or at least that’s what former Kansas City Star reporter Jason Whitlock thinks.

Whitlock is looking for a new assistant and has taken to Twitter to find candidates but is now upset at the lack of enthusiasm in his job offer that pays $8-$10 an hour.

Here are some of his recent tweets:

“Finally getting an asst/intern. 8-10 bucks an hour. Need to be college educated aspiring journalist who lives n LA. Email ballstate68@aol

I started at $5 an hour. I'm looking for someone passionate who wants it. I started at the bottom.

You can see what's wrong w/America by some of the responses. People think this shit is easy and should be handed to them.

I lived in a 1-room efficiency w/roaches my first year out of college.... Keep watching MTV and VH1 and the un-reality shows.”

Don’t I feel like a douche now. Even though one room efficiencies in L.A. probably go for $1,000 a month and I have to pay the government about $500 a month for my useless education I’m being an unrealistic douche by holding out for a job with decent pay and benefits.

I’m just a spoiled, Kardashian obsessed brat who doesn’t want to rough it.
So it’s settled. I’m packing a hobo’s bindle, heading to L.A., setting up a cardboard box outside the bus station and taking Jason Whitlock up on his offer.

Wish me luck.

Who Is Your Daddy and What Does He Do?

Every week the internet picks one story to beat into submission with a giant bat and this week of course is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s turn to take a beating.

After Schwarzenegger and wife Maria Shriver split last week we were sure to find out the former bodybuilder turned actor turned governor probably did something sleazy to ruin the marriage and that was true.

The ‘True Lies’ star impregnated this lady, Mildred “Patty” Baena, his former maid, fathering a child with her before becoming California governor.

After hearing about his sexual harassment on movie sets and orgies of the 80’s I’m not really surprised he cheated on his wife but I thought he could have done better than the maid. But busy men like Schwarzenegger have to do women close to them – just ask Slick Willie.

Honestly, this thing is being blown out of proportion a bit. At least he didn’t pull a John Ensign and bang his best friend’s wife and then make their family have Thanksgiving with him.

What would make this story much better is if they found out Baena really conceived with fertility assistance, had twins and gave one up for adoption, who will result to a life of crime after leaving an orphanage.

I call it Twins 2 and this time Arnold is the bad guy.

P.S. – If I were an employed journalist and I were able to interview Arnold's illegitimate son I'd have only one question - who is your daddy and what does he do?.

YouTube Video of the Day

I wonder how long these guys had to play with this thing before they figured this out. It is pretty awesome though. Like the first time a guy figured out you could write boobs on a calculator.

Pain in the Ass Pirates

You know the one thing that I miss out on most by not having any of my favorite sports teams reside in my home state? The comradery between fellow fans. I’ve found a few Huskers out here in West Texas but not enough to form a true support system after losses.

Commiserating poor performances with fellow fans is what it’s really all about. It’s nice to have someone to cry with and have someone to share a beer with after a tough loss. But if you’re a Pirate fan that better not be discounted beer from the Stroll Inn bar in Pittsburgh.

The Stroll Inn just ended a beer promotion offering a nickel off pitchers every time the Pirates lost after being threatened with a boycott from two Pirates employees.

The promotion (which would be better if they knocked at least a quarter off) was meant to give fans a silver lining after tough losses. Stroll in, have a pitcher and shake off the funk of losing.

But Pirates employee Angela Criscella didn’t take it that way.

From WTAE Pittsburgh:

An email sent on May 12 by Pirates account executive Angela Criscella said, "An occasional joke and jab is expected here and there, but to create business by ripping on the home team is ridiculous and in my opinion distasteful." She urged bar patrons to "take your business away from the Stroll Inn and to other local restaurants instead."

Criscella has since backtracked and told WTAE she misunderstood the spirit of the promotion but I’m throwing the bullshit flag on that. She could have found out the true nature of the promotion if she would have just strolled in before writing the email.

It’s really just a case of sour grapes. I’m sure Criscella, an account executive with the Pirates is just upset she’s selling a product about as attractive in Pittsburgh as old Tommy Maddux jerseys.

But here’s hoping the Stroll Inn gets the Pirates lose promotion going again. It’s my second favorite Pittsburgh promotion since “Win a Date with Ben Roethlisberger” drawing at the women’s college.

Staying Busy South of the Border

One thing that is debated a lot in science is sex addiction. While experts confirm that sex addiction is real it’s often psychology’s chuckled about addiction stepchild. We’d all be addicted to sex if we could have it whenever we wanted, right?

Tom Cruise would even tell you sex addicts just have an alien ghost controlling their penis that must be controlled with magic meters.

But anyone skeptical of sex addiction can turn to the case of 36-year-old Brazilian woman, Ana Catarian Bezerra, who just won the right to watch porn and masturbate at work.

The woman, who suffers from a “chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality,” has been known to masturbate as many as 47 times a day but is now undergoing treatment which has lowered her need for sexual release to a reasonable 18 times a day.

Now I’m just as much a horn dog as the next guy but even at my sexual peak of 14 the idea of masturbating 18 times in the day would be like standing in front of Mt. Everest. I don’t think it could have even been done. That should prove the difference between a sex addict and a person with a normal sexual appetite or in my case a normal sexual appetite that has been hindered by alcoholism.

I guess the most interesting thing about this story is how Bezerra’s employer plans to address this issue. I would think a cubicle is the wrong setting for her now unless her fellow employees are just cool with seeing someone masturbate all day (and some of them probably are).

So she’s got to go with a closed office and coworkers are going to need to knock. But what about the awkward conversations that will inevitably happen when they knock and she’s rubbing one out? That’s why I think they need to get her a sign to hang on the door that can be flipped when she’s “busy.”

Think of it like an on/off sign or gone fishin.’ But instead of fishin’ it could be jerkin.’ She’s obviously not self-conscious about since she filed a lawsuit. A sexually repressed American would have just ran to the bathroom every 10 minutes.