The Last Straw

Safety Concerns End Caron Butler's In-Game Straw Chewing Habit
By Tom Ziller

Caron Butler is to straws as Charles Barkley is to cheesy gorditas. For years now, Butler has been seen -- and documented -- chewing on plastic straws.

Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post did a glorious exposé on the matter in 2007, citing Tough Juice's favorite straws (McDonald's, Burger King, Cheesecake Factory) and getting comments from his Wizards teammates. (Antawn Jamison registered faint concern.) Butler was said to go through roughly 12 straws a game, chewing on them during play and on the bench until they got stringy. He cited an teenage start to the habit, explaining that chewing the straws calmed him down. The habit (or addiction?) stuck.

But now, as first reported by Mike Fisher of DallasBasketball.com, the NBA has ordered Butler to stop chewing straws on the court.

Fisher presents the news with incredulity, but there's a fairly simple explanation: it's a safety issue. That's how NBA spokesman Tim Frank explained it to FanHouse Thursday morning. The ban covers game play; Butler is free to chew to his heart's content on the bench.

Maybe it seems a little too Big Brother for some (like Fisher, and Butler no doubt), but telling players what sharp foreign objects they cannot chew on during games is certainly within the league's rights. A 15-minute injury time-out while some Mavericks trainer administers mouth-to-mouth to Butler is something that should be avoided, and "chewing on plastic straws during a game" hardly seems like some inalienable right.

Critics will make this out as an overreach by commissioner David Stern; critics of Stern, of course, would cry foul if the Knicks served brisket instead of pulled pork at a media buffet. He can't win. But again, all told, this seems like a sensible decree. If it stops one kid from wedging a straw between his gums, it will have been worth it.

How long has my boy Caron Butler been in the league? Nine years, that's how long. You know how many times hes choked on a straw or pierced his gums? None. So why is David Stern all of a sudden cracking down on a bad habit that Caron and myself share? Just to put the screws to Mavs owner Mark Cuban. Stern didn't seem to upset about Caron chewing straws in Miami or L.A. or Washington D.C. but now that he's a Mav the straw chewing has to go. Tis bullshit I say. Should be same set of rules for everyone. And don't give me the dangerous spiel. Riding motorcycles is dangerous too but we haven't outlawed those. This is America Stern! So chew your straw proudly Caron. Tark the Shark would be proud.

P.S. - I'm also sure Caron is happy to be out of D.C. and playing with a crafty old vertran who can make plays like this.