Today, I sold stamps to a smelly old woman. Not realizing they're stickers, she licked the back of them and was upset when they wouldn't stick to her envelopes. She asked me to put them on. As I pulled the wet pieces apart, she said "hopefully you can wash your hands after, I have a cold." FML
Today, my dog remains missing for the third consecutive day. Rather than putting up flyers and asking door to door, my dad, using a megaphone he stole from the church shed, drove through the neighborhood broadcasting "Baxter, where are you? Baxter... Baxter get in the goddamned car wherever you are." FML
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