F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

Bean Town Likes to Puck

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

YouTube Video of the Day

Why can’t people just get on the plane, turn off their phone when they’re told to, have a couple flight cocktails and go about their day. Always some jokester has to be belting out Whitney Houston or picking a fight with a flight attendant over cell phone usage.

Wisconsin Man Pleads Guilty To Couch Sex

Perp was caught in illicit tryst with discarded love seat

thesmokinggun.com

A man who was caught last year having sex with a couch discarded on a Wisconsin street pleaded guilty this afternoon to a public lewdness charge.

During a hearing in Waukesha County Circuit Court, Gerard Streator, 47, copped to a misdemeanor charge stemming from September’s illicit curbside encounter.

According to a criminal complaint sworn by a Waukesha City Police Department officer, Streator’s 11 PM furniture tryst was interrupted by an off-duty cop out jogging. Officer Ryan Edwards reported spotting “a subject leaning over the couch facing down and it looked like he was having sexual relations with someone on the couch.” Edwards added that he “could see the male’s hips thrusting up and down on the couch.”

When Edwards approached and yelled, “What are you doing?,” Streator dismounted the love seat and ran away. As the suspect fled, Edwards reported, he “could see that the defendant’s penis was erect.”

The officer concluded that Streator--who was alone--“had been thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.”



The idea of some derelict in Wisconsin getting some couch cooch isn’t all that surprising to me but the fact that he did it in front of God and everyone on the side of the road is going a bit too far.

Off duty cops should be able to get a quick jog in without having to pry some wino’s crotch off a cushion.

Aside from the obvious public nuisance angle, imagine the germ farm that exists on those cushions. You’ve probably got the love pudding of all the neighborhood hobos mixed with whatever trash, needles, toxins, etc. are thrown on it by the public. That doesn’t even take into account what the original couch owner contributed.

This type of behavior can’t be allowed. I think Mac and the Guardian Angels need to get involved.

Group Text Moment of the Day

Okay, so it was a few days ago but it was still funny.

Backstreet's Back to Fight!

Aaron Carter: I Got Jumped Over 'NKOTB' Turf War

tmz.com

Aaron Carter is sporting a shiner he claims he got from 4 grown men who were pissed he's performing on "New Kids on the Block" turf ... aka Boston.

Aaron, who posted some gnarly selfies after the fight, tells TMZ he was leaving dinner with a friend last night in beantown, when a huge guy approached him in the parking lot and yelled: "I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids." 

Aaron claims three other guys then jumped out of a gold Chevy Malibu ... and started the beat down, which came complete with a shot to his face.

The singer claims he landed a few punches before the NKOTB-lovers took off -- "I think my knuckles might be broken, but that's what they get. People think I'm a pretty little white boy but no way. I think I won. I'm still standing."

Aaron says he's performing as scheduled tonight, and he's not filing a police report because it's "girlie." 

Two shocking things: Who knew NKOTB fans were so hard? And ... Aaron Carter still sings?

This story doesn’t check out at all.

Don’t get it twisted - Nick Carter’s older brother definitely got his ass whipped but it wasn’t by New Kids on the Block fans.

This is just a simple case of a few drunk Massholes spotting a Backstreet Boy on the street and deciding it’d be a funny goof to rough him up in the name of a superior boy band.

It’s surprising that a video of this Guinness fueled roughhousing session hasn’t been posted to Barstool right under Guess That Ass.

But keep ya head up, Nick. You’ve still got This Is the End

Wal Mart Person of the Day

Using suspenders with mesh shorts is about like keeping a loaded gun in the waistband of your sweats.

Key Party Meets Lock In

Kids play centre allegedly used for sex parties

By QMI Agency

Parents in Cranbourne, Australia, are angry after a children's play centre was allegedly used for sex parties.

Over the weekend, parents say they discovered advertisements for swingers to attend a party at a location featuring "a laser light show, fog machine, giant ball pit and jumping castle," the Melbourne Herald Sun reported.

The angry parents gathered at Casey Kids Play House demanding answers, the paper reported.
One mother told the Herald Sun she'd hosted a party for her children's birthdays at the facility.

"We're worried about what they could have been exposed to," Stacey Derks told the paper.

The City of Cranbourne is investigating.



What a bunch of uptight parents. I’m sure the organizers of the orgy planned to do a full scale, Aaron Hernandez style cleanup on this place before the kids showed back up. At the least, they probably would have wiped down most of the toys with Purel.

In a time of recession society shouldn’t be punishing idea makers who are finding new uses for under-utilized spaces.

Plus, this is a great idea. Imagine the fun. Have a threesome and then play some skeeball. Do some couples swinging and then play in a real swing. Sounds like a blast!

Of course, I’d probably end up just drinking and playing wack-a-mole and that’s not a euphemism.

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML

I'm Too Sexy (for Traditional Uniforms)

Adidas has once again rolled out its newest clown costumes known as alternate uniforms for its college football partners for next season.

The company’s past great ideas have included giving Notre Dame dual colored helmets with a navy leprechaun last season and slapping a green shamrock on the side of the helmet two years ago. 

Michigan’s helping of past apocalyptic uniform play didn’t look as bad but it was grotesque enough for the Wolverines to ask out of the annual fashion show in 2013. 

The crowning moment in Adidas’ assault on tradition was Nebraska and Wisconsin’s god awful uniforms in 2012. Needless to say those offerings coupled with Baylor, Louisville and Cincinnati’s neon uniforms in the NCAA Tournament did not whet my appetite for Nebraska’s uniforms to be unveiled for 2013. In fact, to make it worse, I just searched “Adidas NCAA Tournament uniforms” and found an even more sinister plan for the 2014 tourney - Zubaz shorts. 

To make a long story short Nebraska’s uniforms to be worn against UCLA this season…aren’t half bad. Good use of black, despite the fact that the Blackshirts have one foot in the grave, and a return to white helmets. Plus, no gigantic, ridiculous N instead of a number. Well done.  Now, do something about the Zubaz basketball shorts. Zubaz hasn’t been acceptable since Canseco was rocking them. 

YouTube Video of the Day

Full House (of Ex-Husbands)

Jodie Sweetin Files for Legal Separation; Wants the Tot and the Toyota

tmz.com

Jodie Sweetin has filed for legal separation...TMZ has learned, and a Toyota is on the line.

The "Full House" star filed legal docs in L.A. County, citing irreconcilable differences. She married Morty Coyle in March, 2012.

Jodie and Morty have a daughter, Beatrix, who is 2. Jodie wants full custody.  

Jodie is also asking the judge to award her their 2000 Toyota Avalon. Jodie wants the judge to make her and Morty split their $200 Kohl's credit card balance.

It's Jodie's 3rd marriage.   

Jodie has had her struggles.  She's struggled with addiction -- in particular, meth, ecstasy and coke.

As I sit writing the post I’m actually watching some of Jodie’s strong work as Stephanie on Full House. She’s been caught eavesdropping on D.J.’s phone calls and is gullible enough to believe Donna Jo has a plan for revenge. Just as gullible as she was to believe her third marriage would work.

Plus, if Candace Cameron wanted to get back at you, she’d just fail to give you a copy of her brother’s movie and wait for Armageddon.

Jodie needs to realize her marriages have been failures because she needs a man like me in her life. Since I’ve got the new company ride, I could just give her the keys to the Hyundai and she could let Morty have the Toyota. Plus, I’d have no problem taking on the $200 in Kohl’s debt since I already have $80K in student loans.

This has been well thought out, Jody. You just need to relent and go with the flow – the same method you used in the crack house.

Group Text Moment of the Day

Wrestling With Insanity

I know wrestling is a topic much dearer to my heart than anyone who could possibly stumble onto this blog but I had to link to this great story about the life and struggles of The Iron Sheik. 

The Iron Sheik was a popular draw in the 80s, most notably as the heel to Hulk Hogan’s ultra babyface character and as the tag team partner of Nikolai Volkoff. Sheik, who was from Iran, and Volkoff, originally from Croatia but portrayed as Russian, were wrestling’s Axis of Evil. 

Aside from having an interesting career filled with drugs, painkillers, alcohol and antics The Iron Sheik also has one of my favorite Twitter feeds. It’s good for a quick laugh as long as you enjoy poor sentence structure, crazy comparisons and outrageous threats. 

Amanda Bynes win American Idol for biggest dumb bitch whore
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) June 23, 2013

Paula Deen i see you i am going to suplex you put you in camel clutch fuck your ass make you humble never insult the black people #pauladeen
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) June 23, 2013

North West already have cheeseburger ass
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) June 22, 2013

Wal Mart Person of the Day

Pretty in Pink

Just the Mushroom Tip

Police: Man high on mushrooms rips off part of penis

Tammy Stables Battaglia, Detroit Free Press

DETROIT -- A 41-year-old Columbus, Ohio, man is recovering after police say he ripped off part of his penis on a drug-fueled high in Ypsilanti Township, Mich.

Washtenaw County Sheriff's deputies found the man naked and screaming after responding to a burglar alarm at Ypsilanti Middle School about 1 a.m. last Tuesday, Sgt. Geoff Fox said Monday.

The man was kneeling outside the school, bloody from the waist down, with parts of his genitals ripped off, Fox said. He said parts of the man's body were transferred to the hospital with him.

Officers subdued the man for his own safety and called for an ambulance.

"He really wasn't saying much at all — a lot of yelling and screaming," Fox said, adding the man had broken a window to the school but didn't take anything. "He wasn't making sense. They couldn't really communicate with him in terms of constructive conversation."

The man later told investigators he picked up hallucinogenic mushrooms earlier in the day while he was in town visiting friends in a neighborhood near the school. The man does not have a history of mental problems or extensive drug use, Fox said.

"We've sent his blood off for further analysis to see if there was anything else, if the mushrooms could have been laced with something," Fox said, adding that toxicology results are pending.

Ypsilanti Township resident Brandon Simmons, 30, who often cuts through the middle-school yard while walking to and from his nearby apartment, said he was concerned about the man's recovery.

"I don't even know what to say — it sounds painful," Simmons said Monday. "Is he still alive? My prayers go out to him, and I hope he's going to make it. Wow?….I'm at a loss for words."



Take that bath salts! You make people into zombies? Well, mushrooms are back and now they make people rip off their junk!

I’ve never done mushrooms or bath salts so I can’t really speak to the types of high associated with drugs like that but I can’t imagine any drug blasting your mind so bad that you think your member needs to be, well, dismembered.

If the government was smart they’d get rid of those stupid commercials where cartoon dogs chastise cartoon pothead kids and plan an entire campaign around this dude. That would turn some heads at the next assembly, eh?

You wanna ditch class and smoke doobies? Well, prepare to pull your junk off and nearly die behind this school in about 20 years because that’s the door you’ve opened kid. It's the new version of living in a van down by the river.

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my bed. Just as my parents responded to my screaming, I remembered that I'd helped my boyfriend sneak in through my window last night. FML

Every Dirty Kiss Begins with Kay and Ends With Cancer

REVEALED AT LAST: HOW MICHAEL DOUGLAS MADE NICE WITH IRATE WIFEY ZETA-JONES

By MIKE WALKER/National Enquirer

That “oral sex” bombshell dropped by Michael Douglas keeps on costing the embattled star – especially at home!

In last week’s analysis of shockwaves generated when he blurted that his throat cancer “is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus,” I told My Readers: “Jaws dropped all over Hollywood!...First reaction from everyone was, ‘Ohmigod, poor Catherine Zeta-Jones. How will his wife handle the obvious questions?’”

Here’s my deadline scoop, folks, revealed by a friend of Mrs. Douglas, who said: “Catherine was furious and mortified when news broke worldwide that her husband had blurted to an interviewer that his cancer was caused by HPV transmitted by oral sex. Michael immediately launched into a frenzy of apologies to his horrified wife, and desperately tried to backpedal on his statement, but the damage was done – the whole world was speculating on whether Catherine also had the virus! And nothing Michael could do would stop the whispers.”

Here’s My Kicker: Feeling miserable about embarrassing his beloved wife – who’s suffered and been hospitalized with her own issues lately – the “Behind the Candelabra” star knew apologies would never be enough, so he quietly ducked into famed jeweler Harry Winston’s in Manhattan and bought her an “I’m sooo sorry” gift – a stunning platinum diamond lariat necklace. Price tag: $40,000.(Can’t hurt, pal. Good luck!)

________________________________________________________

This answered the very first question I had when Michael Douglas first let this cat out of the bag – how is he going to get out of this one?

It’s hard to come back from talking openly about your sex life in public – especially when the candid admission is how your wife’s vagina almost killed you.

The solution? Jewelry, of course. The jeweler probably has a chart with prices for husbandly indiscretions. Now the Michael Douglas will be up on the board situated somewhere behind the Kobe Bryant. 

YouTube Video of the Day

A little on the nose but its better than women is pastels talking about feeling not so fresh.

Topanga!

‘Boy Meets World’ Sequel ‘Girl Meets World’ Ordered To Series By Disney Channel

 By NELLIE ANDREEVA/deadline.com

Disney Channel has picked up comedy pilot Girl Meets World to series. The project, a sequel to the TGIF ABC comedy Boy Meets World, has been on a fast track to the Disney Channel schedule since November when word of the idea leaked, catching fire online and sparking huge interest from fans.

Girl Meets World, co-starring the original series’ Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel, was created by Boy Meets World creators Michael Jacobs and April Kelly and is executive produced by Jacobs.

It has a premise similar to the ABC series, which centered on Cory Matthews (Ben Savage) and his best friend Shawn Hunter (Rider Strong) as they navigate sixth grade with the help of their longtime teacher George Feeny (William Daniels) as well as on Cory’s relationship with his family.

As its title suggests, Girl Meets World switches the point of view from male to female. It centers on Cory and Topanga’s daughter Riley Mathews (Rowan Blanchard), a curious and bright 7th grader, and her her quick-witted best friend Maya (Sabrina Carpenter) embark on an unforgettable middle school experience.

In this case, Riley’s dad is their new History teacher and her mom owns a trendy afterschool hangout that specializes in pudding. Mr. Feeny also is back as Daniels reprised his role in the pilot, directed by John Whitesell.

Cory? Check. Topanga? Check. Feeny? Check. If they killed off Eric then this show is going to be epic. I really hope there’s a storyline where Shawn has moved back to the trailer park and starts hanging out with the Bridge Crew from It’s Always Sunny.

Can they also get Fred Savage to reprise his role as the creeper teacher who sexually harassed Topanaga? He could incorporate some of his rapist character from his one episode stint on SVU and be the shows antagonist.

And how about Topanga still getting it done? When Disney gives you a second chance at fame you jump your ass on the stair climber.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

Those suspenders are doing some strong work

Match Made in Hell

Florida Man Beaten, Robbed, Stripped Naked on First Date

By Daniel Arkin, Staff Writer, NBC News

A Florida man was beaten, robbed, forced to strip naked and abandoned on the side of a road Friday evening during a first date gone horribly wrong, according to police.

Authorities found nude, bloodied Shaun Paul Williams, 34, walking on the shoulder of State Road 100 in Bunnell, Fla., late Friday near a cow pasture where Williams said he was assaulted and mugged by his date and her two unidentified male companions earlier that evening, according to a Flagler County Sheriff’s Office case report.

Williams told sheriff’s deputies that he met the unidentified woman at a convenience store in Daytona Beach, Fla., two weeks ago. They struck up a friendship and later arranged to go out on June 14, according to the report. The woman picked up Williams in front of the same convenience store for their first date Friday evening. 

After Williams entered the woman’s vehicle, he discovered two unidentified adult men – one of whom the woman introduced as her brother, the report states. She told Williams that she would take him out to dinner after she dropped off the two unidentified men at her brother’s home. 

But after several minutes on the road, the woman abruptly turned onto an unknown side street, Williams told investigators. The woman’s alleged brother instructed her to stop somewhere along the side street because he had to “wait for a friend.” 

She then backed into what Williams described to investigators as an “empty cow pasture.” Williams told investigators that he then exited the vehicle to urinate but was allegedly bludgeoned twice in the face with a “hard metal object.” 

He collapsed to the ground and held his face in his hands while one of the unidentified men allegedly said, “Give me all your money and all your clothes.” 

Williams told police he said, “Are you serious?” 

One of the unidentified men allegedly responded, “Do you see what I’ve got pointed at you?”

Williams said he then opened his eyes and saw a semi-automatic pistol pointed straight at his face, according to the report. After Williams complied with their orders, the woman and her two male companions then fled the scene in the vehicle, according to the report. 

All told, Williams claimed he was robbed of $200 in cash, a Straight Talk pre-paid cellular phone, his Florida driver’s license, a gray tank top, black Dickie shorts and a pair of DC sneakers. 

A sheriff’s deputy who discovered a “disoriented” Williams took him to a hospital, where he was treated for several lacerations on the right side of his face, according to the case report. Flagler County Sheriff’s Office investigators are working to identify and pursue the three suspects, authorities said.

____________________________________________________________

This has to be the F My Life moment of the century. I've actually considered online dating but with my luck this would be the inevitable result for me.

I can just imagine this guy’s facial expressions changing throughout the experience. He starts off with the anxious energy from the prospect of getting laid and ends up thoroughly destroyed and humiliated.

Man, I’m nervous. I may get some action tonight. Here’s the car she described. Who are those two big guys in the back seat? Oh, we’re just dropping them off? Not to worry, they’ll be gone soon. Wait, why are we turning down a dirt road? Owww! What the Hell was that? Take off my what? Shit, I just got robbed and I’m naked on the side of the road.


Good rule of thumb – when your date wants to pick you up in a gas station parking lot, you may be in for a rough night.

Group Text Moment of the Day

Quit Horsing Around

Man fined after 54 people crammed into rodeo-bound horse trailer: Cops

By Jennifer O'Brien, QMI Agency

LONDON, Ont. — A southern Ontario man must pay a $110 fine for allegedly cramming 54 people into a horse trailer to take them to a rodeo.

"It was like that old Volkswagen Beetle thing, with one (clown) in the glove box," Const. Kees Wijnands of the Ontario Provincial Police said.

"It was kind of comical, but this is of course a disaster waiting to happen."

Police came across the strange scene about 150 km west of Toronto Saturday after pulling over a pickup truck hauling a horse trailer that "appeared to have people inside of it."

"The officer thought there was something weird...all he could see was little fingers and heads at the top," Wijnands said.

When the driver opened the trailer door, 54 passengers started piling out, he said.

"The officers started counting and he just kept going and going and going."

____________________________________________________

This story basically reads like a country music video. Hasn’t this happened in a Tim McGraw song? Country boys and girls getting down on the farm!

I’m guessing there was a lot of denim piled into that horse trailer - enough to outfit Brett Favre’s entire family for three generations. Farva would have loved it!

The prospect of taking a road trip in a vessel that was loaded with horse feces with 53 other folks doesn’t sound like a dream vacation but when you’re bombed on Molson anything sounds like a good idea.

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, while working the graveyard shift at my hotel, it felt a little chilly, so I grabbed a blanket out of the box we usually store old blankets in. 20 minutes later, the live-in maintenance man casually remarked that those blankets are all infected with bed-bugs. FML

Not Anatomically or Politically Correct

"Rally round, Aggies! Ken® doll joins the Texas A&M cheer squad in a white jumpsuit and red athletic shoes with articulated arms ready to basket toss or build a pyramid. 'We're gonna beat you all to Chigaroogarem, rough, tough, real stuff, Texas A&M!'"

The doll sells for $24.95 at BarbieCollector.com. It notes A&M Ken was released on May 30, 2013.
Ken first hit the market courtesy of Mattel in 1961. Barbie was introduced in 1959.

The Yell Leader tradition at A&M dates back to 1907. There has never been a female yell leader elected.

Of all the ridiculous Aggie traditions (and there is a smorgasbord of them) the use of all male cheerleaders has to be the most outlandish. The entire idea behind cheerleaders is to have eye candy to stare out during timeouts. Who wants to look at a bunch of goofy looking crew cuts do choreographed routines in painter’s overalls?

Now TAMU gets the distinction of being the only school with a Ken doll. It would have been better if they gave him a $5 haircut, a 68 IQ and a stupid grin and called it the Rick doll. He'd be the most famous eunuch since Theon Greyjoy.

I’ve never understood the need for yell leaders anyway. Cheering is about the most natural human reaction so why does one need to be taught the act. Wikihow.com even has a How-To describing the proper way to do an Aggie yell. If you feel the need to click that the first step is to perform a lobotomy.

The one thing the Yell Leaders can’t teach is being inclusive. To date there have been no female Yell Leaders and to my surprise there have been some gals who wanted the opportunity.

I’m not sure what the excuse has been for keeping women out. It could be tradition; it could be coodies. Or the Ags may fear that Baylor’s bear may be attracted by the menstruation of a female Yell Leader.

Dong Doctor Cleared

Jury finds no negligence in trial over man's 8-month erection

By Myles Miller, Reuters

WILMINGTON, Del. - A jury on Monday cleared a doctor of negligence in a lawsuit filed by a Delaware truck driver who underwent a penile implant procedure and ended up with an erection that lasted eight months.

"We're stunned," attorney Michael Heyden said as he left the New Castle County courthouse, where his client Daniel Metzgar, 44, of Newark, Delaware, was suing urologist Thomas Desperito of Wilmington, Delaware.

In April 2010, four months after the procedure was performed, Metzgar experienced swelling and went to a hospital, where he underwent testing. Before going to the hospital, Metzgar had been unable to reach Dr. Desperito.

The doctor's lawyer argued that hospital staff who performed tests were unfamiliar with penile implants and were not properly trained to do them. Therefore, the results from the tests, including images showing swelling, did not prove negligence.

Metzgar and his attorney during the one-week trial described the frequent discomfort and daily embarrassment he experienced after the procedure - including trouble riding a motorcycle, wearing normal clothes and joining family social events.

"I could hardly dance, with an erection poking my partner," Metzgar told jurors at the start of the trial. "It's not something you want to bring out at parties and show to friends."

Metzgar's stepson Alexander King, 18, described a once close relationship that grew distant after the procedure. King felt uncomfortable having friends over and noticed his stepfather stopped showing up at school and sporting events.

"I was - I'm sorry - highly embarrassed," he testified during the trial.

The device was ultimately removed in 2010 after tubing punctured Metzgar's scrotum. He received a replacement implant from another doctor.

_________________________________________________________

If you should experience an erection lasting longer than four hours you should call your doctor. If you experience an erection lasting longer than eight months you should sue your doctor.

I have to agree with the jury on this one. Any time one undergoes a cosmetic surgery you assume there are risks associated with that procedure. If you don’t want an eight-month boner than don’t go having your tally whacker lengthened.

Plus, I don’t think an eight-month erection would be that embarrassing. Kind of an ice breaker, really. It’s exactly the type of thing I’d “bring out at parties and show to friends.” I don’t think my friends would mind. Better class of losers suits me fine.

It just dawned on me that I have a lot of penis related stories on the blog. That’s where the money is and my Google Adsense account is right around 13 cents. 

YouTube Video of the Day

I like seeing cable news talking heads get blasted. I usually have to wait for Jon Stewart to do it at the end of the night but Russell Brand went straight to the source. Starts to get good around the 4 minute mark.

You're Sentenced to Red's Foot In Your Ass

'That 70's Show' Star Arrested on Suspicion of DUI

tmz.com

"That 70's Show" star Lisa Robin Kelly was arrested for the millionth time ... this time on suspicion of boozing (and or doping) while driving, TMZ has learned. 

Law enforcement sources tell us ... cops responded to a call around 11:30 pm on Saturday night that a car was parked on the 5 freeway, blocking a lane of traffic. That car was Lisa's (allegedly). 

We're told when officers arrived they noticed something fishy -- i.e. signs of booze -- and conducted a field sobriety test -- which police say she bombed -- and Lisa was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. 

As TMZ previously reported (over and over again) ... this is NOT Lisa's first arrest. She was popped back in 2010 for a DUI ... in April 2012 for alleged spousal abuse ... and then in Nov 2012 for assault. 

Give her a break! They didn't even have DUI laws in the 70's, did they? 

Lori sure has taken a turn for the worse. This is the worst thing she’s done since she had to tell Red about dropping out of college.

Mila Kunis might have thrown her a bone and paid for her rehab but not after she stole Kelso from her.

What did we expect from someone who had to take this kind of abuse for a couple years?

I’m still hoping Hyde’s porno prediction comes true.

Ask a Young Dude

So my pal Bobby posed a great question in our group text yesterday - what is twerking?  In a group of eight 30-something's there were no answers. For a second I thought it might be a twink who's also a jerk. The confusion gave me a great idea for a semi-regular post in the BYB. Any time my friends and I have a question about something the young folks are doing I will investigate it and share it here on the BYB. It's like WebMD for the old and out of touch. Now, I considered actually going and asking young dudes  what twerking is but I feared they might think I was a gay creeper and pummel me. So I shall turn to the internet to solve this riddle. From Wikipedia - Twerking is a "dance move that involves a person shaking their hips and bottom in a bouncy up and down motion, causing it to shake, 'wobble' and 'jiggle.'" To "twerk" means to "dance in a sexually suggestive twisting fashion."  Answered that query. Up until now all I know about twerking was that Miley Cyrus liked to do it and it probably breaks her father’s achy, breaky heart. 


I'll never understand TMZ. Why would anyone want to know what Marcellus Wiley thinks about Miley Cyrus' twerking ability? I'd rather hear him blast Mario Williams' sacking ability. 

Wal Mart Person of the Day

I wonder if the minor league wrestling organization he works for reimburses him.

Jimmy Rollins Has Two Words for Ya!

I love it when athletes emulate wrestlers. You see it every Sunday when some defensive end gets a sack and does the John Cena "You Can't See Me" hand gesture. Colin Kaepernick's meme was lifted from Big Papa Pump Scott Steiner. Now outfielders are doing the DX chop after walkoff homers. If someone does the CM Punk watch move I'm losing it.

Group Text Moment of the Day

I decided the Texts from Last Night post wasn't really cutting the mustard. I decided to replace it with snapshots of our group text. This photos have been doctored because me and my friends are awful, awful people.

He Rubs Me the Wrong Way

Man accused of sex act during massage

ByWayne K. Roustan, Sun Sentinel

DNA test led to the arrest Wednesday of a Fort Lauderdale massage therapist accused of performing a sex act on a sleeping client, the Broward Sheriff's Office said.

Scott Lloyd Price, 55, was a massage therapist at the Center for Wellness, 4001 N. Ocean Drive in Lauderdale-by-the-Sea, according to the arrest report.

The customer arrived for a massage Nov. 11 and told detectives that after dozing off, he awoke to find Price performing oral sex on him. The customer said he immediately flipped onto his stomach as Price left the room, the report stated.

The customer was taken to a sexual assault treatment center, where a DNA sample was taken. The sample was identified as the DNA of another man. Investigators subsequently obtained a DNA sample from Price, which matched the sample taken from the client, detectives said.

Some folks just can’t catch a break. I bet this poor guy, “the customer,” was having a real rough time at work and everyone in his life told him to relax. So he broke down and went to a massage center. He was probably a little taken aback when a male masseuse walked in but he’s comfortable in his sexuality.

The massage was great and he got so relaxed that he dozed off and when he woke up his wang is in some dude’s mouth. That’s got to be such a terrible feeling.  This guy will probably never sleep again. He’s definitely never getting another massage. 

Larry David had a much better experience during his massage but it was awkward. 

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today the homeless man that lives in the ditch next to me threw a beer bottle full of piss at me for rejecting him for a date last week. I ducked; it sailed through my car's open window and smashed all over the seats. FML

Texts From Last Night Moment of the Day

(912) It's getting harder and harder to find people to carry her home.

(919) She shouldn't drink.

Follow the North Star

So the Twitterverse (that's a thing, right?) is all atwitter with the news that second coming of Christ and the lady with the huge ass named their kid North.

Congratulations media whores. Now your child shares a name with the film that outweighs all the good Gary Garrison Rob Reiner did in his career.




What the Hell was Meathead thinking?

This probably wasn't the worst possible scenario for this kid. If given an hour I'm sure I could come up with 20 names dumber than North for a celebrity child. Especially considering Kanye's first choices were Jehovah and Immanuel. He has a God complex, you see.

The late breaking news today (aka whatever TMZ had up when I finally broke down and re-started the BYB) was that North had yet received no middle name. Kanye needs to get on this right way. I can say from personal experience, not having a middle name is an mild inconvenience.

I've almost seen my brother throttle a doctor's office receptionist when she questioned why he wrote a middle inital instead of a name on documents. My parents wanted his initials to be C.C.C. and damned if they couldn't think of a second name that started with a C. You'll have to forgive them, they've drank a lot of Odessa water in their day.

But here's to you North West. Enjoy the name and we won't blame you when you check into rehab in 20 years.

Meeechegan Man Handling

Police: Man arrested for masturbating while riding bike through The Diag

Kyle Feldscher/annarbor.com

University of Michigan police arrested a man who was masturbating while riding his bike through The Diag Monday evening, which is the second arrest for public masturbation in two days.

Police received a call about the man at 6:41 p.m. Monday and responded to the Diag on the University of Michigan’s campus. The 46-year-old man reportedly was riding a bicycle with his shorts down and fondling himself, according to police.

Responding officers located the man and arrested him. During the arrest, police found what they suspect were drugs on the man.

The man was released and awaits potential charges from the Washtenaw County Prosecutor’s Office.

The arrest came one day after a 52-year-old man was arrested for masturbating during the showing of Skyfall, the latest movie in the James Bond series, at the Ann Arbor Summer Festival.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Look, there’s a time and place for everything. But the time and place for masturbating is not at 6:41 p.m. on the University of Michigan campus.

There’s no bigger proponent of multi-tasking than yours truly but you can’t just go rubbing one out while you’re cruising the campus on two wheels, especially with your shorts down. If this move is going to be attempted at all one has to be stealth about it. You can’t go pedaling down the Diag (whatever that is) bopping your bologna like you’re invisible. It’s just bad form, plain and simple. Get your shlong off of your Schwinn.

I will play devil’s advocate for a moment though and say that something about the Michigan campus must bring it out of folks, pardon the pun. The UM cops caught a dude cranking it the day before during a James Bond showing on campus. Of course, when treated to a two hour showing of Daniel Craig’s abs he probably didn’t stand much of a chance. Pee Wee Herman would have already enjoyed a couple cigarettes in that situation.

It's Nick Saban, Marty! Something Has To Be Done About Nick Saban!

Has anyone seen these future ranking for college football and the NFL on espn.com. I'd put a link to them but they're on Insider. Apparently, the only things ESPN produces that are actually readable or watchable should cost extra but the never ending supply of Skip Bayless and Steven A. Smith (it might be spelled Stephen but I'm not checking because frankly, he doesn't matter as a person) is as accessible as sorority chicks are to Johnny Football.

Anywho, Nebraska came in at a strong, nothing. Nada. Didn't move the needle. Its not discernible what turned ESPN off more - having a 1940's drill sergeant as a coach, playing in a state with more cows than people or recruiting classes with a veritable who's who of Iowa, Kansas and Indiana prep stars.

That said, Nebraska had won nine games or more every year during the Pelini era so saying it won't be in the Top 30 in four years might be a bit of a stretch. And the Huskers' Title Path isn't exactly daunting. The likes of the Leaders Big Ten West include Minnesota, Iowa and Indiana, not LSU, Bama and the Aggies.

Texas Tech was also absent from the list, which after a horrendous few years isn't shocking. But if this is a list based on prognosis then you would have thought the Red Raiders would have received some more love. I'm just excited Business Insider is now saying I didn't piss $80K away entirely. Suns Up, Guns Up!

No reason to go in depth on the NFL future rankings. Everything was pretty much status quo. The Bills were the third lowest ranked team in the NFL. No surprise there. Especially since Buffalo's first round pick this year got this reaction from me.

The one shocker was Dallas coming in at #24. Inept ownership, coaching, scouting and general scheme aside, the Cowboys usually stay in the middle of the pack. Maybe ESPN isn't enthused with the plan to allow this character to call the plays. Understandable.

Mayoral Sex Scandal: Candidate Won't Stop Licking Himself

Cat runs for mayor of Mexican city
By Luc Cohen/Reuters

MEXICO CITY – Fed up with politicians they call “rats,” a group of friends in the eastern Mexican city of Xalapa have put forward their ideal candidate for mayor: a cat named Morris.   Xalapa resident Sergio Chamorro, who adopted the cat in August, said the plan began as a joke between friends borne out of their frustration with the Veracruz state government over freedom of speech.   “Fed up of voting for rats? Vote for a cat,” reads one campaign poster featuring the black and white cat, using the Spanish “ratas” for rats and “gato” for Morris.

Chamorro created a Facebook page advertising Morris’ candidacy in May. The page went viral in early June and now has more than 125,000 likes.   As the news spread, disillusioned citizens across Mexico nominated a donkey and even a chicken for political offices in the July 7 election.   There are seven official candidates for Xalapa mayor, including representatives of Mexico’s three major parties. Despite his large following, Morris is not an officially registered candidate and Chamorro is asking voters to write in “Morris” or draw a picture of a cat on their ballot.



Mayor Morris: Put me down or I'll have you arrested

This is a prime example of why drug lords rule Mexico. Cats running for mayor. Sure, it may seem harmless but when that thing wins, and it probably will, that sends a message. Lajitas had goat mayor for many years. He would sit in the town square and down beers that the tourists gave him. Which, compared to the mayor of Toronto, seems like responsible and distinguished behavior.

Of course the mayor or previous mayor (he may be dead by now) wasn’t always loved by his constituents. He survived a castration from a disgruntled citizen who saw him drinking beer on Sunday, when Texas’ blue laws prevented him from buying liquor. Seems a bit harsh really. He could have just stolen the goat’s beer. I don’t go sprinting toward Rick Perry’s nads with a knife when I get denied beer before noon on Sunday.

But back to the gato. I like how you can draw a picture of a cat on a write-in ballot. What do Mexico’s ballots look like anyway? We use electronic machines in America. Over there you get a Big Chief tablet and some crayons like you’re an eight-year-old walking into Red Lobster.

Also, how odd is it that people who are upset about freedom of speech are attempting to elect someone that can’t speak? Didn’t think about that, did ya meow?

They're Playing Basketball!

So the Heat won the Finals. Lebron told reporters to go eff themselves. The he partied with the suddenly silent Danny Green and took the most awkward photo in the world with Urkel Drake where Lebron tried to mimic how Tim Duncan looks when he takes a dump.

Opposite of mean mugging

Chris Bosh got into the action today by almost accidentally eating confetti. Since he let Lebron eat the whole meal during the Spurs series, now he's hungry. Side note - at my buddy Tommy's wedding we were throwing confetti at each other before the bride and groom did the ceremonial walk out of the reception. Just as they did Wesley throws a pile of confetti in Trey's mouth and he starts puking directly beside the limo. Classy move. The grandparents loved it.

Make it rain (confetti)

Back to basketball. Great series. Great ratings. Tim Duncan may not have gotten another ring but now he can say he played in a Finals that had more viewers than a re-airing of Roseanne on TV Land. Manu Ginobili can't because I'm not technically sure if you can call what he did in that series playing basketball. Unless he's like Haley Joel Osment and was just throwing a series of passes to deceased Spurs wandering the court. Tony Parker was surprisingly absent late in Games 6 and 7. He was a DNP-CD in the final minutes of games for reasons that I don't understand but Pop does. Also, don't you find it odd that the same media that seem frightened of him to the extent of vomiting call him Pop? His name is Greg or Coach Popovich, you goons.

Do the Heat stand pat, retool or blow it up by trading Bosh? Who knows? We've got months to hear ESPN talk about it. The NBA hot stove has seemingly replaced the MLB version.

When does football season start?