Every Dirty Kiss Begins with Kay and Ends With Cancer

REVEALED AT LAST: HOW MICHAEL DOUGLAS MADE NICE WITH IRATE WIFEY ZETA-JONES

By MIKE WALKER/National Enquirer

That “oral sex” bombshell dropped by Michael Douglas keeps on costing the embattled star – especially at home!

In last week’s analysis of shockwaves generated when he blurted that his throat cancer “is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus,” I told My Readers: “Jaws dropped all over Hollywood!...First reaction from everyone was, ‘Ohmigod, poor Catherine Zeta-Jones. How will his wife handle the obvious questions?’”

Here’s my deadline scoop, folks, revealed by a friend of Mrs. Douglas, who said: “Catherine was furious and mortified when news broke worldwide that her husband had blurted to an interviewer that his cancer was caused by HPV transmitted by oral sex. Michael immediately launched into a frenzy of apologies to his horrified wife, and desperately tried to backpedal on his statement, but the damage was done – the whole world was speculating on whether Catherine also had the virus! And nothing Michael could do would stop the whispers.”

Here’s My Kicker: Feeling miserable about embarrassing his beloved wife – who’s suffered and been hospitalized with her own issues lately – the “Behind the Candelabra” star knew apologies would never be enough, so he quietly ducked into famed jeweler Harry Winston’s in Manhattan and bought her an “I’m sooo sorry” gift – a stunning platinum diamond lariat necklace. Price tag: $40,000.(Can’t hurt, pal. Good luck!)

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This answered the very first question I had when Michael Douglas first let this cat out of the bag – how is he going to get out of this one?

It’s hard to come back from talking openly about your sex life in public – especially when the candid admission is how your wife’s vagina almost killed you.

The solution? Jewelry, of course. The jeweler probably has a chart with prices for husbandly indiscretions. Now the Michael Douglas will be up on the board situated somewhere behind the Kobe Bryant.