College Football Picks Week 9

This week is shaping up to be the best slate of games thus far this season, which means all the games will probably end up sucking. Nevertheless, I'm excited about them now and what could enhance that excitement more than my terrible predictions costing you money?

As always I pick against the spread and the winners are in red. Explanations follow when I see fit.

Tennessee at # 17 South Carolina (-14)
South Carolina will rebound after two straight losses with a win that will certainly seal Derek Dooley's fate. Cheer up Dooley, there's plently of schools with poor shower etiquette to correct.
#23 Texas (-21) at Kansas
Mack Brown seems to be falling apart. His defense is getting its doors blown off and he's openly squawking about the Longhorn Network being a detriment. This may be the middle of the slow death march to early retirement. I like Coach Fuda to keep it closer than the experts think.
Colorado at #4 Oregon (-45.5)
The only concern here is that Oregon pulls its foot off the breaks early as it did last week. But as bad as the Buff are, Oregon may be 45 by the end of the first quarter. Quack, quack, quack, quack Mrs. Ducksworth!
#2 Florida (-7) vs. #10 Georgia
The Gator defense shut down Marcus Lattimore last week and should be able to do the same against Gurshall this week. Can Jeff Driskel generate enough points to cover? Sure.
#14 Texas Tech at #3 Kansas State (-7)
Tech is coming off two impressive wins but the Raider defense will be a unique test this week in the form of Collin Klein. Add that to the challenge of facing Arthur Brown and the Wildcat defense and Tech's hot streak must come to an end.
#9 USC (-6.5) at Arizona
Arizona's defense was a bragging point going into the Oregon game last week. Not so much now. I think Matt Barkley pours some salt in the wounds here.
Michigan State at #25 Wisconsin (-6)
#20 Texas A&M (-15.5) at Auburn
Johnny Football will love playing against the Tigers much more than the ones he faced last week.
Washington State at #17 Stanford (-25)
Mike Leach is only halfway through one season and he's already in full Madboy mode, banning his players from Twitter this week. How long until we get a fat, little girlfriends comment?
#5 Notre Dame at #8 Oklahoma (-11)
I think Oklahoma takes this one but I can't see Notre Dame getting beat by 12 as good as the Irish defense is playing. I'll take the points.
#22 Michigan at Nebraska (-2)
It pains me to pick against my Huskers but nothing about Nebraska gives me confidence going into this game. Nebraska has been blasted in their two losses by running QB's (Brett Hundley and Braxton Miller). Nebraska will score but not enough to keep up with Shoelace.
#11 Mississippi State at #1 Alabama (-24)
Alabama has to play a close one some time this season, right? Mississippi State has yet to beat an opponent with a pulse but the Bulldogs have been blowing the doors off their competition. I think it's close for a while before Alabama turns it on for a two touchdown win.
TCU at Oklahoma State (-7.5)
Different quarterback, same result for the Cowboys as TCU is struggling mightily against passing teams at the moment.
Ohio State (-1) at Penn State
Braxton Miller is banged up going into a clash with the best defense in the Big Ten. Penn State may actually be the best team in the conference right now and I'm calling for the slight upset.
#7 Oregon State (-4.5) at Washington
Can Cinderella find her shoe again this week? Sean Mannion returns to give the team a spark that will be much needed against a tough Seattle crowd. But it won;t be enough.

Man of Steel Not Fit for Print

Clark Kent makes a major life change in new 'Superman'

USA Today

The Daily Planet has a new job opening.

In Superman issue 13, the Man of Steel's alter ego, mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, quits the Metropolis newspaper that has been his employer since the DC Comics superhero's earliest days in 1940.

With Daily Planet editor in chief Perry White getting on his case for not enough scoops on the Superman beat and his boss' boss Morgan Edge also giving him a hard time, leads to a Jerry Maguire-type moment where he quits in front of the whole staff and rails on how journalism has given way to entertainment — in a not-so-mild-mannered fashion. (The Daily Planet has also been moving more toward the real world, too, with the newspaper becoming part of the multimedia corporation Galaxy Broadcasting.)

"This is really what happens when a 27-year-old guy is behind a desk and he has to take instruction from a larger conglomerate with concerns that aren't really his own," Superman writer Scott Lobdell explains.

You know newspapers are officially dead when even Superman can't save them. Lobdell also said that Clark Kent "is more likely to start the next Huffington Post or the next Drudge Report than he is to go find someone else to get assignments or draw a paycheck from."

The Drudge Report might be a stretch. I can't see some Krypton born to an alien father questioning Obama about his birth certificate.

I bet Superman would have a pretty interesting social media presence. All his tweets would be about how lame Aquaman is or how he's always trying to fly by Wonder Woman's invisible plane while she changes clothes.

Thanks to Superman for throwing the last bit of dirt of the grave of the newspaper industry. The Internet was its kryptonite.

Sleeping With the Sleepers

Piedmont HS warns parents of "fantasy slut league" among students
by Sergio Quintana/East Bay News

PIEDMONT, Calif. (KGO) -- An alert by the principal of Piedmont High School has raised concerns among parents. In a letter sent last week, the principal says his staff discovered a so-called "fantasy slut league" among students.

In the letter, Principal Rich Kitchens describes "a 'Fantasy Slut League' in which our female students (unbeknownst to most of them) are drafted as part of the league...Male students earn points for documented engagement in sexual activities with female students."

According to the letter, school staff learned about this during a recent assembly about date rape prevention.

An investigation was launched on campus and they learned this has been going on for five to six years.

The principal wrote, "Participation often involved pressure/manipulation by older students that included alcohol to impair judgment/control and social demands to be popular."

You've got to hand it to these boys. Sex is the perfect avenue for fantasy gaming. Its fantasy games about fantasies. And really, is this all that different than the hijinx in American Pie or Porky's?

Imagine all the possibilities. Just leg a bum knee for Maurice Jones Drew could derail your team, a token religious phase or unexpected pregnancy could take out your top slut. Then you've got to reach for that freshman chick lets you get to third base and shuts you down. You'd have to check the waiver wire every week for some girl who just broke up with her boyfriend. Sounds like a blast and the next great teen sex comedy.

The only thing I can't get behind is manipulating the girls into having sex. When Jeremy Maclin gets hurt I can't go shoot him up with painkillers and coax him into playing.

College Football Power Rankings Week 9

College Football Power Rankings

1.       Alabama – The Tide haven’t played the cream of the SEC yet but thrashing the also-rans by 30 points a game is impressive enough.
2.       Florida – This team has gone from grinding out wins against decent teams to laying the wood to the defending SEC East champs.
3.       Oregon – The Ducks dropped behind Kansas State in the BCS ratings but I’ll keep Oregon at #3 as a sportsmanship award for taking the second half off against ‘Zona.
4.       Kansas State – Had Bill Snyder not been his usual wily self in 2010 the Wildcats would have to play Oregon this season. In usual Snyder fashion, he cancelled and replaced with a cupcake.
5.       Notre Dame – It hasn’t been pretty (especially the controversial call against Stanford) but Notre Dame keeps winning.
6.       LSU – The best of the one loss teams found enough offense to defeat flavor of the week, Johnny “Football” Manziel. 
7.       Oklahoma – The Sooners are hitting their stride at the right time as Landry Jones will finally have a tough test against Manti Teo and the Irish defense.
8.       Oregon State – It’ll be a late nite Beaver hunt in Seattle this week as new QB Cody Vaz will try to outduel Washington’s Keith Price.
9.       Georgia – The Bulldogs meet the Gators in the game we’re not supposed to call a Cocktail party. Mark Richt might need a few Harvey Wallbangers after trying to shut down Mike Gilleslie.
10.   Mississippi State – Sure the Bulldogs have yet to beat a team with a pulse but unlike last season, the wins have been convincing. This week – at Alabama.
11.   Ohio State – I don’t understand how Ohio State being barred from postseason play makes them unfit to be ranked in the Coaches Poll. I also don’t understand how Braxton Miller gets hurt every week but is never really injured.
12.   South Carolina – The best two loss team in the nation. Tough to feel good after consecutive losses but with games against Tennessee, Arkansas and Wofford coming up, there’s still reason to smile.
13.   Texas Tech – I did not see this coming. Tech responded with a tough road win TCu saw them coming. Might we finally see the death of pirate flags at Jones Stadium?
14.   USC – Matt Barkley’s Heisman campaign is gaining steam after Geno Smith’s breakdown. The Trojans get one more tune up against Arizona before playing Oregon.
15.   Florida State – The joy of playing in the ACC is that is that if the Noles don’t completely shit the bed NC State style then they can roll into the season finale against Florida relatively unscathed. 
16.   Rutgers – Chop that wood. Its amazing Rutgers can still win games with Greg Schiano showing them how to dive at kneeling quarterbacks.
17.   Louisville – Charlie Strong’s stock is rising like a chubby girl at last call.
18.   Stanford – The Cardinal handed Jeff Tedford another rivalry loss, which may be his last as head coach.
19.   Clemson – A convincing win against Virginia Tech has Clemson looking good in the ACC but they’ll need another FSU loss to get to the ACC Championship.
20.   Texas A&M – Johnny Football wasn’t baller enough to avoid being tiger bait but I’ll admit he’s been impressive.
21.   Boise State – Not the typical Boise State bubble buster season but I like the new unis.
22.   Ohio – Fearless Frankie Solich has the boys beating every air conditioner school and clown college they line up against.
23.   West Virginia – West By God looks like they may have been forsaken by their savior. For now the couches stay safe.
24.   Michigan – Denard Robinson got a win against the Spartans by a shoelace. He should go wild against the defense formerly known as the Blackshirts.
25.   Nebraska – The Huskers do make it exciting. A second two-touchdown comeback in three weeks keeps Nebraska in the land of the living for now. 

Billshit!

If there's silver lining remaining on what has been a pretty subpar season it's that I'm pessimistic enough to stay away from gambling.

The one bet I laid down was that the Bills would someone come to their senses and mount an impressive showing against the 49ers. Giving away $50 worth in free shots is the perfect insult to the injury of giving up 624 yards and losing by 42.

This brings us to the Bills latest foible, a one-point loss to the Tennessee Titans. A one-point loss that could have been avoided had the Bills stopped the Titans backup quarterback from completing a 15-yard TD pass on fourth-and-9.

I'm not surprised. I'm not mad either. The Bills have shown me enough poor performances in my lifetime that I don't get my heart crushed when they fall apart. But it's starting to go from funny to irritating that the Bills defense has regressed to full futility.

Mario Williams and his $100 million tab have had an amazing impact as expected. But it’s been an entirely negative impact. Williams complains he’s banged up but the Bills assert that he’s healthy. His weekly whining even earned the Bills a fine from the league for not reporting his “injuries.”


From the Buffalo News:

“I need to play better. I need to get healthy, No. 1,” Williams said. “I can say this, and you can take it however you want to take it. It really don’t matter to me. I don’t care what you think."

Perhaps he’d feel more pressure to perform if his newly re-signed backup wasn’t better known for beating bisexual reality show hosts than he is for playing football.

But it’s Billshit. What did I expect.

National Lampoon's Racist Vacation

'Community' Star Drops the N-Word During Rant
tmz.com 

Not a racist, but he does play one on TV

Chevy Chase had another verbal outburst on the set of "Community" yesterday during filming, this time dropping the N-word during a rant about the direction of the show.

Sources on set tell TMZ ... Chase was complaining about the direction of his character, who he feels has grown increasingly bigoted as the years have gone on. We're told Chase was becoming uncomfortable with the material and was frustrated that his previous conversations about the writing had seemingly gone ignored.

According to our sources, Chase got so heated while discussing his character, he yelled out something along the lines of ... What's next? Am I gonna say the word ni**er?

We're told Chase apologized to the cast and crew for the comment, which was not directed at anyone in particular, certainly not the show's African-American cast members, Donald Glover and Yvette Nicole Brown.

Doesn’t it suck when you try to make a point about how much of a racist you aren’t and you end up looking like a racist? You got to feel for Chevy. He’s on a show that’s on its death rattle, playing a character that he seemingly hates. He’s comfortable playing the lovable goof but not the racist, xenophobic, old curmudgeon. That’s the breaks though. Should have tried harder on that talk show.

 BTW, I bet Louis CK is pissed at hell at that headline.

 

 

What Should I Be Writing?

I'd really like to see the blog become a blog/Craigslist type place, only because I got to believe people on backpage.com get a discount on the poon. Here are a list of potential ideas. Keep in mind it might just be one post a day. I have a steady drinking regimen to keep up.

Monday - Football Recap (I need to rub it in that your team lost and that you'll die alone).
Tuesday - RAW Recap (I need to remind you that I still watch wrestling and give that as potential excuse why I haven't been laid since George W left office.
Wednesday - Whatever I want (There's gotta be sonething going on. If not I'll make shit up. Did you hear that you knocked that chick up? I did.
Thursday - Wacky News (Some chick slept with a high school student this week. They always do).
Friday - Football Picks (You're gonna bet anyway. Wouldn't you like a shitty second opinion that's likely to cost you money if you take it?)
Other Ideas - The Backpage.com Girl of the Week - I mean, they're hookers. If they didn't want people judging their photos then they shouldn't be prostitutes. My ultimate goal is to have a BYB Pageant called Mrs. Backpage. This is all dependent on having Dez Bryant's mom as a judge.

Hefty Hefty Hefty

I promised my personal trainer I'd give him some traffic on the least popular website since Jerry Sandusky's amateur Sand Castle photography. I suppose I owe it to him since all he's done is cripple me for multiple days out of every week. For those of you still lifting weights in an old folks home, Cross Fit is the shit Paul Ryan does when he's not out breaking Usian Bolt's records and growing the widows peak in his hair. Think of this as the BYB's first commercial. Odessa Strong will whip your ass, hurt your body and give you a general sense of self respect. Even if you blow it by having sex with a 2 at the bar the next nite. So get your ass up there. There's a weight loss challenge going on in November and without your money I can't finance my trip to K$'s bachelor party.

This May Not Go Well

Yeah, I'm restarting the blog. I've got a new format. I know what you're saying. Format don't mean shit if you've got nothing to say. Where's your blog?

It ain't daily. It ain't weekly. She don't use butter. She don't use cheese. She don't use jelly or any of these. We use vaseline.

I'm still trying to figure this out but I assure you, I'll still have stories about women who cut their husbands wangs off, any story that makes Wes Welker look bad and any story that makes Kobe look good. I have my priciples.

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, after handing in my resume to get a part-time job, I tried leaving, but the door wouldn't open. It was the "in" door. The person I gave my resume to had to slowly explain this to me. FML

They're Playing Basketball! (and airing their dirty laundry

The sports media world collectively took a short breath from Linsanity this week to gather themselves and bolster their inner defenses against ethnic slurs but it was not a week without piling on an NBA topic.

Enter the Los Angeles Lakers, aka the pile of dry wood most sports followers can't wait to see go up in flames.

First Kobe Bryant lept to the aid of trade bait, er teammate Pau Gasol. The 7-foot Spainard has been the focus of trade rumors throughout the season and it seems Bryant now wants an end to those rumors, no matter what that end might be. The Lakers' retort? Basically a call for the great one to shut up and play ball.

The pissing match between Kobe and the front office must have been a distraction because the Lakers called a players only meeting shortly after what might have been their best performance of the year in a thrashing of the Blazers.

Now a report by CBS Sports Ken Berger has the Lake Show methamorphisizing into a lake of fire. Jerry Buss' sons, most notably executive vice president Jim Buss, are turning the Lakers front office into a joke or as Berger called it "a steaming pool of nepotism and nincompoops."

It's scary to hear about quality people being let go. Trainers, team doctors, scouts, etc. But what has made the Lakers the quality franchise its continued to be for decades upon decades is the quality of the players on the court, the quality of the guy with the whistle and the quality of the GM making the decisions. Jim Buss can be an utter bufoon (and I'm sure he is) but that's not going to make the guy who traded Kwame Brown to get Pau Gasol in the first place any less of a GM.



Kobe can throw a fit because he's out of the loop or he can trust that Mitch Kupchak is capable of pulling off a move that will make the team better.

Or if last night's thrilling road win against the Mavs is any indication the Lakers players and coach may be capable of winning with the current roster. Either way, reports of the Lakers demise are greatly exaggerated.

Summer Murder - Happened So Fast!

MURDER DEFENSE: OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN MADE ME DO IT!
NATIONAL ENQUIRER

A Georgia man gunned down his co-worker's husband outside a suburban Atlanta preschool because the suspect believed an angel that sounded like Olivia Newton-John ordered him to pull the trigger, his defense attorney argued.

Attorney for the defense Doug Peters told ashen faced jurors that Hemy Neuman fell hopelessly in love with Andrea Sneiderman, so much so that he believed he was the father of her two children. The only way to protect them, defense argued, was to kill her hubby Russell "Rusty" Sneiderman in November 2010.

Neuman, who was Scniederman’s superior at General Electic, also seemed hopelessly devoted to hearing and seeing things from beyond the unknown.

The defense said that Neuman heard and saw an angel that resembled “Grease’ star Olivia Newton-John and the demon who appeared to him sounded just like Barry White.

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I really shouldn't joke about this because a guy died. That said, I'm just going to have to hope noone he's related to reads this because this story begs for a Grease song parody. Imagine lines like these:

"Tell me more, tell me more.
Was it all in my head?
Tell me more, tell me more.
If it weren't for Barry White, that guy wouldn't be dead."

I'm not going to keep going because I already feel scummy but I wouldn't be shocked if some guy with the same idea as me hadn't already posted a YouTube video.

P.S. - If Neuman had used a knife instead of a gun he could have got "physical, physical." That's the end of the murder song parodies. I promise.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

Classy couple

What A Boob!

Oklahoma state worker in trouble for breasts email
msnbc.com

OKLAHOMA CITY — A state worker is facing disciplinary action after sending an official email to hundreds of people Thursday that contained an off-color term for breasts, the Oklahoma Insurance Department said.

The email was sent as the agency searched for people to honor at a tornado preparedness meeting.

The email with "offensive and unacceptable language" was traced to a staff member who was deeply apologetic, department spokesman Glenn Craven said. The agency did not identify the staffer.

The email stated the Insurance Commissioner's Award would go to "the girl with the biggest" breasts, using a slang term. The agency sent a second "corrected and authorized" email about 20 minutes later saying the award would be given next month to someone who made outstanding contributions to the insurance industry in tornado preparedness.

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Sounds like this guy is getting the shaft for just being honest. Sure, he could have gone the PC route and told everyone the award would be given to the biggest contributor to tornado awareness, but when they handed the award to Sandy Big Boobs everyone would have known the score. He just let everyone know the score up front and saved a lot of people time and effort. I think he should be commended.

What's Trendy? - One of America's Top 10 Trending Topics

Man Pepper Sprayed At Disney World
inquisitr.com

Park guards at the Disneyland park in California had an incident at the Tower of Terror ride that had nothing to do with Mickey Mouse. A drunk man named Glenn Horlacher who had been on the ride got out of control and had to be pepper sprayed by guards to subdue him. That was before he tried to punch one of them.

A YouTube video shows the man being restrained and wrestled to the ground by guards who then give him a healthy dose of pepper spray to the face. The man then throws the punch. Angry guests at the park restrain the man until reinforcements can arrive.

53-year-old Glenn Horlacher was arrested on charges of battery and assault by the Anaheim for the incident. He was later released on his own recognizance.

Video

Be they're guest, be they're guest. Put they're magic to the test. But do not get drunk and fight their security guards.

Every time I think I might have gone too far with my drinking I get some small dose of affirmation when I start looking for crazy stories for the blog. And this one wasn't hard to find after the YouTube video became a trending hit.

How the hell did this guy get this drunk at Disneyland? I could see if he was at DisneyWorld. They have Epcott Center and you can get drunk in a theme bar for every major country in the world. But this guy was just hammered on dirt vodka at the California kids park. This is the worst drunk guy at an amusement park story since Champ Kind went to Sea World and took his pants off.

The Devil is in the Details

Santorum: Satan Comments in 2008 'Not Relevant' Today
National Journal

PHOENIX--Rick Santorum on Tuesday stood by comments he made in 2008 about Satan attacking the United States, telling reporters here that he is going to “stay on message” and continue to talk about jobs, security, and “taking on forces around this world who want to do harm to America.”

The three-year-old speech is getting renewed scrutiny after several Web-based publications circulated audio and text of his remarks over the holiday weekend. Speaking to a group at Ave Maria University in Naples, Fla., Santorum said, “This is not a political war at all. This is not a cultural war at all. This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies, Satan, would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country: the United States of America.”

When reporters asked about the comments at a rally on Tuesday evening, Santorum said, “I believe in good and evil. I think if somehow or another, because you’re a person of faith, you believe in good and evil [and it’s] a disqualifier for president, we’re going to have a very small pool of candidates who can run for president.”

Asked whether he still thinks that Satan is attacking the United States, Santorum called the inquiry “not relevant to what’s being discussed in America today.”

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I hope everyone isn't sincerely freaking out about Rick Santorum saying that Satan attacked the U.S. in 2008. That's not even the tip of the iceberg. It's a light drizzle on the tip of the iceberg.

This guy's social politics would be more apropos of the 60's. The 1560's. He doesn't believe in birth control at a time when 98% of Catholic women admit using contraception. So if you think insinuating that terroirts are somehow agents of Satan is a bit out of touch and nutty - get ready for a fun ride.

The truth is a lot of what this guy has said in the past is still a mystery, that is until someone devotes a few days to crawling around in the archives of a few western Pennsylvania newspapers. He could have predicted a date for Jesus' return or accused Barney Frank and Satan working together to brainwash young people into turning gay. When you make a run at national politics you have to steer more towards the middle (even in today's Republican party) so what he said when he felt comfortable on the fringe is anyone's guess and I can't wait to hear about it.

On this day in...

On this day in...
1455 – Traditional date for the publication of the Gutenberg Bible, the first Western book printed with movable type.
1836 – The Battle of the Alamo begins in San Antonio, Texas.
1847 – Mexican-American War: Battle of Buena Vista – In Mexico, American troops under General Zachary Taylor defeat Mexican General Antonio López de Santa Anna.
1861 – President-elect Abraham Lincoln arrives secretly in Washington, D.C., after the thwarting of an alleged assassination plot in Baltimore, Maryland.
1896 – The Tootsie Roll is invented.
1903 – Cuba leases Guantánamo Bay to the United States "in perpetuity".
1917 – First demonstrations in Saint Petersburg, Russia. The beginning of the February Revolution.
1927 – President Calvin Coolidge signs a bill by Congress establishing the Federal Radio Commission (later replaced by the Federal Communications Commission) which was to regulate the use of radio frequencies in the United States.
1945 – World War II: During the Battle of Iwo Jima, a group of United States Marines and a commonly forgotten U.S. Navy Corpsman, reach the top of Mount Suribachi on the island and are photographed raising the American flag.
1954 – The first mass inoculation of children against polio with the Salk vaccine begins in Pittsburgh.
1974 – The Symbionese Liberation Army demands $4 million more to release kidnap victim Patty Hearst.
1991 – Gulf War: Ground troops cross the Saudi Arabian border and enter Iraq, thus beginning the ground phase of the war.
1998 – Osama bin Laden publishes a fatwa declaring jihad against all Jews and "Crusaders."

Births...
1937 – Tom Osborne, American football coach and politician
1940 – Peter Fonda, American actor
1943 – Fred Biletnikoff, American football player and coach
1955 – Tom Bodett, American voice actor, radio personality, and writer
1955 – Howard Jones, British pop singer
1955 – Flip Saunders, American basketball coach
1963 – Bobby Bonilla, American baseball player
1983 – Emily Blunt, British actress

Remember Tom Bodett from the Motel 6 commercials? We'll leave the light on for you. Classic.

Come Fly the Horny Skies?

Airline allows passengers to have sex during flights
NY Daily News

A private Ohio airline is serving up sex on an airplane, luring customers who yearn to join the “Mile High Club.”

The “romantic” $425 package includes 60 minutes in heaven aboard a private plane, champagne, chocolate and a “very discreet pilot,” according to the company’s website.

The Cincinnati-based Flamingo Air says it’s the only one in the country that allows customers to do the dirty deed.

“I have had a high heel in my ear once, been shot in the back of the head with a champagne cork, and thank God we wear headsets,” Dave MacDonald, pilot and co-owner of the business told WCPO-TV.

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How damn small is this plane if the pilot is getting kicked in the head by some dude doing the leg shake? It doesn't seem very safe honestly. I've never understood the thrill with getting in on in the air? You're in a vehicle so its not like you're free falling while you're getting your rocks off.

On commercial planes you have to cramp into the bathroom. I can't even zip my pants comfortably in those claustrophobia pits. I guess you have more room to do the nasty on Flamingo Air but it still doesn't seem ideal.

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, while in Walmart, I noticed an old man who had been following me for about five minutes. I politely pulled over with my cart and smiled at him so he could pass. He then said with a creepy smile, "So it's your turn to stare at my butt now?" It's the most attention I've gotten in weeks. FML

Who's Your Daddy?

O.J. Simpson Claims He’s Khloe Kardashian’s Dad
Long Island Press

O.J. Simpson is back in the news after the National Enquirer reported that the jailed footballer claimed to be Khloe Kardashian’s biological father.

Multiple sources told the tabloid that Kardashian’s mother Kris Jenner hooked up with Simpson on multiple occasions during the time frame that Khloe was conceived. They also said that Simpson bragged about a “secret love child” that he had.

“O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends’ wives,” another source said.

The Kardashian and Simpson families were friends, and Simpson was even an usher at Robert and Kris’ wedding in 1978. When Simpson was accused of killing ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson, Robert Kardashian served as a member of his legal defense team.

The National Enquirer also pointed out similarities between Khloe and Simpson’s 26-year-old daughter Sydney.

Two of Robert’s ex-wives have recently come forward to say that he told both of them that Khloe wasn’t his, and that he and Kris weren’t having sex at time Khloe was conceived.

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Khloe sure is having a rough year. First Lamar starts having peformance issues in the bedroom during the NBA lockout, then he gets traded to Dallas for $30 and a washing machine and now she finds out that here real dad may be a knife wielding murderer.

Poor Khloe. Her husband is the Candyman and her real dad is Michael Myers. Keep you hear up girl. It's nothing a night in the sex swing won't fix. Assuming she found some reinforced steel beams for the ceiling to keep that thing in place.

I Bet Her Kid Has a Good Story for Show & Tell

Police: Madeira mom allegedly snorts drugs while attending child's Valentine's Day party at school
wcpo.com

MADEIRA, Ohio - Police say that a woman allegedly snorted drugs in the girls bathroom while attending her child's Valentine's Day event at Madeira Elementary School.

Emily Rosenberger, 31, was arrested Tuesday after school officials heard her make "snorting" noises inside a bathroom stall. According to police, when Rosenberger exited the restroom she was exhibiting behavior that made officials believe she was intoxicated or on drugs.

Police found the woman to be in possession of Hydrocodone, Oxycontin, and a powder substance believed to be cocaine. Rosenberger's 8-year-old child was released to grandparents by bus at dismissal after the incident.

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This mom is getting a pretty bad rap. Most parents wouldn't even show up to their kid's school Valentine's Day party. She has the decency to show up and now she has to take crap for trying to have a good time while she's there. If this is the kind of appreciation the school is going to show I wish them good luck in getting any other mothers to show up for the St. Patrick's Day party.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

You've got to put a leash on a gal like that. You wouldn't want a prize like her getting away.

Chris Brown - Promise Keeper?

Chris Brown's New Pickup Line: "I Promise I Won't Beat You"
USWeekly.com

Most vile pickup line ever?

Chris Brown -- who pleaded guilty in 2009 for felony assault for hitting then-girlfriend Rihanna -- confidently approached an attractive brunette Feb. 10 at the Lasio Professional Hair Care suite Grammy gift lounge and asked her, "Can I get your number? I promise I won't beat you!" the woman tells Us Weekly.

"He and his friends laughed, then one yelled, 'That's his new line!' Ugh! I wanted to throw up!"

Counters Brown's rep: "That is absurd and absolutely not true. He did not say that nor would he joke about that."

Though the singer, 22, may randomly flirt with the ladies, Rihanna, 24, is remarkably still in the picture. As Us has reported, several sources say the pair have hooked up over the past year, hanging out as recently as Feb. 9 -- and two insiders reveal they are even recording a single!

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I have to say if I were a foxy, young lady contemplating a night of getting groovy with Chris Brown my paramount concern would be the possibility of getting smacked around. So eliminating that possibility from the get go just seems like good manners on Brown's part to me. It really shows how far he's come if he's willing to take that off the table right when negotiations commence.

He could have abstained from laughing though. We're all glad you're fully recovered but there's no reason to spike the football.

YouTube Video of the Day

That's quite a near miss. He moves pretty good for a guy that probably just crapped his pants.

Teenage Wasteland

WUSA reporter Andrea McCarren balks after backlash over teen drinking stories
Washington Post

At first, the comments from viewers were just nasty. No problem. Andrea McCarren, a veteran TV reporter, could handle that.

But then the response to McCarren’s reports about underage drinking on WUSA (Channel 9) took a darker, more threatening turn. Specifically, her two teenage children were harassed at school by peers and on Facebook by “friends.”

The volume and intensity of the backlash became so overwhelming last week that Mc­Carren and WUSA decided on an extraordinary step: She would pull herself off the air and hand her latest teen-drinking story to her colleague, anchor Derek McGinty, to present her work Tuesday night.

“My kids were targeted,” Mc­Carren said. “That’s where I drew the line.”

Her report drew e-mail and Facebook denunciations of Mc­Carren from young people apparently angered that she had exposed an easy supply of illicit alcohol.

“Way to go! Not,” wrote one self-described college student in a profanity-laced posting. “You are now probably the MOST hated woman in the D.C. area. Yay you! What was the point really of doing that story? No one finds it interesting (well that’s obvious anyways because its channel 9 news), but you also just ruined weekends for all kids underage.”

McCarren chose to back away when her children told her that some of their high school classmates were making insulting and threatening comments, in person and electronically, as a result of her reports.

As a result of the bullying, one of McCarren’s children stayed home from school last week. She said both children are back in class, and “only minor name-calling continues.”

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I can't blame kids for being pissed about someone shooting holes in their plans for a fun weekend. If it weren't for a fine shopkeeper that looked the other way when I was in high school our weekends would have been much more dull. And if McCarren's kids had gone to school with me I'm sure they would have gotten a few ribbings over their mom's reporting.

But kids these days go to far. They wouldn't stop at calling someone a narc. They harassed McCarren's kids on Facebook. I think that's why things we're easier for kids in my dad. When the day was over you got a reprieve from bullying. Not you get home, log on to Facebook and get another dose of punishment.

Not to mention, these kids go to extremes with their drinking. Back in my day we thought a beer bong was as extreme as it could get. Now you got kids sticking beer bongs in their ass so the booze will hit their bloodstream faster. It's called butt chugging. We thought it was a thrill so sneak a few beers at lunch. Now the teen girls soak tampons in vodka.

Kids these days! Get off my lawn!

What's Trendy - One of America's Top 10 Trending Topics

Today's hot story is Lindsay Lohan agreeing to host an upcoming episode of Saturday Night Live.

I'm glad to see Lindsay getting back to her comedy roots and hosting SNL. She had a few pretty good appearances on the show including one of the more memorable segments of Debbie Downer and the Harry Potter spoof where all the characters stare at her boobs the whole time. I'd link to those clips but as we know the evil trolls at NBC won't release most the SNL archived skits. Bastards.

But good for Lindsay. SNL might not be the great opportunity for a comeback it once was but its a lot better than rehab or working at the morgue.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words - and Apologies

New York Magazine is catching hell for posting the picture about on its website illustrating President Obama's "evolution" on gay marriage.

As you can imagine showing a black man evolving from an ape strikes a nerve with just a few African Americans.

I get where NY Magazine was trying to go with this. Its clever. But you think to take a strong step back from any comparison between black people and monkeys. I'm happy that we've made strides toward equality as of late with gay marriage becoming a possibility in more states but gay and lesbian supporters should remember they don't have a monopoly on being discriminated against.

Much like The Daily Show segment on PETA last week its not okay to compare the real or perceived persecutions against those you advocate for to what has been done to blacks in the United States. You're just going to end up looking stupid.

It might not hurt to not pile on the only president who has supported gay marriage in any way, shape or form too.

On This Day In...

On this day in...
1613 – Mikhail I is elected unanimously as Tsar by a national assembly, beginning the Romanov dynasty of Imperial Russia.
1848 – Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish The Communist Manifesto.
1885 – The newly completed Washington Monument is dedicated.
1925 – The New Yorker publishes its first issue.
1947 – In New York City, Edwin Land demonstrates the first "instant camera", the Polaroid Land Camera, to a meeting of the Optical Society of America.
1965 – Malcolm X is assassinated at the Audubon Ballroom in New York City by members of the Nation of Islam.
1972 – President Richard Nixon visits the People's Republic of China to normalize Sino-American relations.
1975 – Watergate scandal: Former United States Attorney General John N. Mitchell and former White House aides H. R. Haldeman and John Ehrlichman are sentenced to prison.

Births
1936 – Barbara Jordan, American politician (d. 1996)
1946 – Bob Ryan, Boston sports columnist
1955 – Kelsey Grammer, American actor
1958 – Mary Chapin Carpenter, American singer
1977 – Steve Francis, American basketball player
1979 – Jennifer Love Hewitt, American actress
1983 – Braylon Edwards, American football player
1987 – Ellen Page, Canadian actress

I'm so glad it's Kelsey Grammar's birthday so I can play his song from 30 Rock a few weeks ago. I've been sending this to my buddy Kelsey once a week ever since.

President's Day!

I'm taking the day off to travel back from Lubbock since I had the day off for President's Day. I'm not even sure what President's Day is. Lincoln's birthday? Washington's birthday? The anniversary of Bush's sobriety?

Anywho, I figured Lincoln freed the slaves and Washington may have had some (or at least condoned it) so enjoy The Daily Show screwing with PETA for comparing Sea World's whales to slaves. It's quite hilarious.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
SeaWorld of Pain
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML

Who You Gonna Call? Hopefully, A Better Screenwriter

He ain't afaird of no ghost. Just a shitty sequel.

From internet reports, rumor and innuendo it appears the proposed third installment in the Ghostbusters saga could be in major trouble and in what might be the most damning news for the project...it might be Murrayless.

Dan Akroyd told Empire that Bill Murray may not return as Peter Venkman.

Even more intriguingly, Aykroyd hinted that Bill Murray may not return as Peter Venkman, and that the character could be played by a different actor, a la Jack Ryan.

[Talking about Ghostbusters 3 generally] "The script must be perfect. We cannot release a film that is any less than that. We have more work to do."

Vague, granted, but there you go. As for the internet rumour that Murray recently shredded a Ghostbusters 3 script and sent it back with a note that said, "No-one wants to pay money to see fat, old men chasing ghosts", Aykroyd denied it with vigour.

"Bill Murray is not capable of such behaviour. This is simply something that would not be in his nature. We have a deep, private personal relationship that transcends business. We communicate frequently and his position on the involvement in Ghostbusters 3 has been made clear and I respect that. But Bill has too much positive estimation of my writing skills to shred the work."

I don't blame Murray for not wanting to make a terrible sequel. You want to leave on a high note. That's what makes Back to the Future 3 so upsetting. I'm just hoping they get their thinking caps on and get a script put together worthy of Murray's return. I bet Ernie Hudson could use the money. I don't think he's worked in years.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

Honestlty, I'd be afraid to tell him to put some clothes on.

If Looks Could Kill

Where do you get those giant head posters? I always see them at basketball games and College Gameday and I really would like to have one of Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. Will copy stores just blow up giant pictures of people's heads and cut them out for you. I've got to know more about this.

What's Trendy? - One of America's Top 10 Trending Topics

Now there's something you don't see every day, IT'S A PURPLE SQUIRREL!!!!!



Admittedly this was trending four days ago when it got its own Facebook page but I didn't think anything at the time I wrote this post was worth the same attention as a brightly colored squirrel.

A couple in Jersey Shore, Pennsylvania found this thing, caged it, took some photos of it and then set it free. The Pennsylvania game warden seems to think that the squirrel likely either got into some thrown out printer cartridges or fell in a port-a-potty that has that weird blue liquid in it (it does help the smell somewhat at tailgates though).

Either that or some clown purposely dyed him and in that neck of the woods the suspicion immediately has to fall on the Jersey Shore cast. They probably wanted a mascot replacement for those two dogs that The Situation got to poop all over the carpet. No caged varments in the Smush Room kids.

Singing Sweet Home Dominican Republic All Summer Long

Well I guess Kid Rock can kiss the idea of him getting one of those badass Chrysler commercials away.

Detroit Free Press columnist Susan Tompor did some investigating recently (actually she just went to a few stores and looked at some shirts) and found out that Kid Rock's "Made in Detroit" is actually made in a wide variety of third world countries. While Detroit can be confused for a third world country they do pay their workers there a fair wage, while I'm sure Mr. Rock does not do the same for his employees.

When reached for comment by Tompor Rock was less than courteous and transparent. He started by telling her to go fu*k herself and followed up by saying:

“we have NEVER laid claim to our items actually being made in Detroit,” and that “as a result of your article and the lack of respect from not only you but from your editors, The Detroit Free Press is on my shit list and my subscription has been canceled.”

"We, like most brands in America, use some products that are not created in America. That doesn’t mean we can’t do better. We’re trying to move away from those products while still keeping our prices affordable and keeping us and the stores that depend on us in business."

I bet you Lee Iaccoca's ghost isn't going to allow this sweatshop mongerer to represent his city on the small screen. In fact Tombor talked to Chrysler who started selling "Imported from Detroit" shirts after last year's Super Bowl Commercial with Eminem and they confirmed that all their tees were in fact made in the Motor City.

Don't fret Kid. You've still got a terrible type of Jack Daniel's whiskey to shill and you can still sit courtside at Piston games.

YouTube Video of the Day

When I was a kid I think I drove every adult in my life insane asking them which animal would win in a fight with another animal. Little did I know the internet and fun loving zookeepers would eventually solve these perplexing issues for me.

Taking a Bite Out of Crime

Man who bit cop's finger guilty of assault
By Dave Dale/QMI Agency

A Moosonee, Ont., man was found guilty Thursday of three counts of assault - including a bone-breaking bite to a city police officer’s finger that didn’t stop until the suspect was stunned with a Taser.

The charges stemmed from an after-bar house party gone wrong in the early morning hours of June 25, 2011.

Court heard Carl Harrison, 33, was “very, very drunk” when he attacked a woman after she told him to leave her home. He bit another man in the arm, belly and inner thigh as the second victim tried to help the woman.

Trevor Goulais, who had come to Tracey Southwind’s aid that night, testified he tried to pull Harrison off a woman, and that’s when Harrison chomped down on his left bicep.

Goulais said he started hitting Harrison in the head, but Harrison grabbed him around the waist with a “bear-hug-like” grip.

That’s when he was bitten in the belly, Goulais told the court, and when a friend tried to pull the man off him, Harrison grabbed Goulais by the testicles and bit him in the thigh.

Const. Stacey Jackson found Harrison staggering away from the house and tried to arrest him.

Jackson said Harrison complied with his order to put his hands on the cruiser and then behind his back for handcuffs, but then complained that the people in the party had beat him up.

Harrison then threw his head backward and hit Jackson on the forehead, court was told, while kicking backward with his heels and striking the police officer in the shins.

Jackson said two other officers arrived during this struggle and tried to help, all of them ordering Harrison to stop resisting.

Const. Matt Parker told the court he tried reaching under the man’s chest, but Harrison bit down on his right ring finger.

Const. Steve Carlton said he began hitting Harrison to get him to stop biting.

“The strikes didn’t phase him at all,” Carlton said, adding Parker suggested Jackson use his stun gun.

Parker said Harrison let go of his finger when the jolt of electricity hit.

Court was told ambulance attendants determined Harrison did not need further medical attention, but Parker, Goulais and Southwind all went to North Bay Regional Health Centre.

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I've heard of mean drunks before but this guy really wasn't screwing around. Biting and grabbing nuts is bad enough but he had no qualms about who he bit or where he bit them? I can't say I've never bitten anyone but I was 1) a child, 2) it was my brother and 3) it was on the arm. I can't imagine biting a complete stranger in the stomach or the inner thigh. Headbutting a cop and biting him on the finger is really just icing on the cake. I usually don't say this about people because it stinks of hypocrisy but this guy may want to consider not drinking if he's going to act like that.

On This Day In...

On this day in...
1621 – Myles Standish is appointed as first commander of Plymouth colony.
1819 – The US House of Representatives passes the Missouri Compromise for the first time.
1865 – Columbia, South Carolina, is burned as Confederate forces flee from advancing Union forces.
1924 – Johnny Weissmuller sets a new world record in the 100 meters freestyle swimming competition with a time of 57.4 seconds.
1968 – In Springfield, Massachusetts, the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame opens.
2011 – Libyan protests begin. In Bahrain, security forces launched a deadly Pre-dawn raid on protesters in Pearl Roundabout in Manama, the day is locally known as Bloody Thursday.

Births
1936 – Jim Brown, American football player
1948 – Rick Majerus, American basketball coach
1954 – Rene Russo, American actress
1962 – Lou Diamond Phillips, American actor
1963 – Michael Jordan, American basketball player
1963 – Larry the Cable Guy, American comedian and actor
1965 – Michael Bay, American film director
1971 – Denise Richards, American actress
1972 – Billie Joe Armstrong, American musician (Green Day)
1972 – Ralphie May, American comedian
1974 – Jerry O'Connell, American actor
1981 – Paris Hilton, American actress and heiress

They're Playing...Racquetball?

Self-Taught Racquetball Player Is in a Class by Himself
N.Y. Times

To understand how Kane Waselenchuk became the dominant player in the history of racquetball, one must embrace the teachings of the Bulgarian psychotherapist Georgi Lozanov.

At least, Waselenchuk’s coach thinks so.

No one else seems able to explain how Waselenchuk does it. How he won 137 consecutive matches, demolishing the record of 54 set by Marty Hogan during the 1976-77 season. How he won an unprecedented seven US Open Racquetball Championships. How he has held the sport’s No. 1 ranking since March 2009. Or, simply, how he hits shots that seem to defy physics.

“He developed a way of teaching called Suggestopedia,” Jim Winterton, the coach, said about Lozanov. “In layman’s terms, it says that everybody has the capacity to be a genius, but the traditional education system screws us up. Children play using all their senses and learn all they know before school, and once they get there, it slows dramatically.”

This theory can help explain Waselenchuk’s racquetball prowess, Winterton says, when one considers how Waselenchuk, 30, was groomed at a young age. “There were three things I knew when I first came into this world,” Waselenchuk said. “My mom, my dad and racquetball.”

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I wasn't even aware there was such thing as professional racquetball. I thought it was just a game old, uninteresting business men play when its too cold for golf. Little did I know they've got coaches and trainers and the whole nine yards.

But this does seem a bit pointless. How impressive is it to tell someone you're the best racquetball player in the world? It's like telling someone you're the best Monopoly player in the world. There's no prestige to the sport like there is with football or beer pong.

I do think he has something with this Suggestopedia though. It's pretty obvious to me that I was meant to be the greatest writer of my generation but the education process got in the way. So the next time I lament that I'll never win a Pulitzer I should just blame Pease Elementary.

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, my bra burst apart in the middle of class. I then had the privilege of asking my male teacher if I could borrow his stapler to put it back together. FML

His Boss is a Jewish Carpenter and Her Pimp is a Lesbian TV Host

Jenny McCarthy set up with Tim Tebow by Rosie O'Donnell?
www.ontheredcarpet.com

Jenny McCarthy has reportedly singled out her next love interest.

The 39-year-old actress was introduced to Denver Broncos star Tim Tebow, thanks to talk show host Rosie O'Donnell.

"Just met Tebow. @Rosie tried fixing me up with him on a date," McCarthy wrote on Twitter on February 3. "She told him that I love Jesus. Haha"

McCarthy was doing a Sirius radio interview with O'Donnell and according to In Touch magazine, told the host that she "had a crush on Tim Tebow."

Tebow was doing another radio interview nearby, and according to the tabloid, O'Donnell dragged McCarthy over and said, "Hi, I'm Rosie O'Donnell and this is Jenny McCarthy and she's single. I think you two would be perfect together. Now exchange telephone numbers."

The pair exchanged numbers and talked for a while, McCarthy posted a photo of her talking to the football player with the caption, "Me talking to Tebow. I can't tell if he looks smitten or horny."

There is no word on whether the pair has gone on a date.

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The ladies can't get enough of the Tebow! But this pairing seems even less likely than Tebow and Katy Perry. I mean, Jenny McCarthy is old enough to be Tebow's mom (at least in Florida and West Virginia) and her Playboy past might be a little too much for Mr. and Mrs. Tebow to get past.

Also, how weird is it that Rosie O'Donnell is pimping out ladies to the leader of the next generation of the religious right? Mrs. O'Donnell, my family and I find your lifestyle abhorrent and a slap in God's face but thanks for hooking me up with your aging, sexy friends. What do I know? Maybe this match has a chance. Even if someone creates a vaccine for Tebow Fever she'd never take it.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

Who the hell puts a cat on a leash? Much less take it to Wal Mart.

What's Trendy - One of America's Top 10 Trending Topics

And for the fourth day in a row Kate Upton remains one of the Top 10 trending topics in America. She's on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, which is in itself capable of catapulting one to ranks they could never imagine or, in Tyra Banks' case, not deserve.

But she's also become a catalyst for what are some are calling a move back the more shapely models of the past and away from the skinny minnies we've seen in the last couple decades.

Of course if this is what is passing for buxom as a model these days you can see how far we've swung. Don't get me wrong, this girl is far from rail thin but she's no Delta Burke either. But hey, she's a hot chick either way. Good for her.

A Pizza a Day Keeps the Doctor...Aghast

Pizza-only diet could kill me, says scared Claire
thesun.co.uk

Mature student Claire Simmons, 33, gags if she puts anything but a plain pizza slice in her mouth.

She also shakes the moment she is presented with any other type of food.

Now doctors have warned that her bizarre condition — known as Selective Eating Disorder — is increasing her risk of a stroke or heart attack in later life.

Simmons spoke out after The Sun highlighted the case of Stacey Irvine, 17, who survives on only chicken nuggets.

"I keep myself healthy with exercise and drink a lot of water," Simmons said. "But my GP says I'm storing up many problems for the future due to a lack of vitamins and minerals. This could lead to a stroke or heart attack."

To stay healthy, experts recommend a varied diet, including some five daily portions of fruit and vegetables. But Claire said "I'm actually scared of fruit and veg. I get so angry when people think I'm being faddy — this is a real medical condition."

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This story has serious implications for my pizza loving friend Bobby. You know what, I'll buy that this may be a real medical condition but its also one she got by only eating pizza. Herpes is a medical condition too. One you get from having sex with a promiscuous person.

Even though she's had a lot of years of adulthood to work through this with doctors her parents have a lot of blame here as do Stacey Irvine's for letting her eat only chicken nuggets and fries for 17 years. Of course Irvine's case is even crueler because 1) she has serious medical issues now and 2) chicken nuggets are disgusting. I'd rather eat the stuff on Fear Factor for 17 years than nuggets.

YouTube Video of the Day

I hadn't even seen the legendary Griffin over Perkins dunk until I watched this video. I've been gradually dipping my toe in the NBA pool by watching an occassional Laker game and reading everything I can about the Takashi Toshero of round ball, Jeremy Lin.

But this dunk is awesome because 1) I hate Kendrick Perkins and 2) It caused a major backlash against Lebron when Perkins accused him of acting like a 16-year-old girl on Twitter. All things said, it is a pretty impressive dunk.