F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

They're Playing Basketball! (on Earth or Otherwise)

It’s been a sad week for the Los Angeles Lakers. Aside from being ESPN’s constant pin cushion as the embodiment of a destroyed franchise (even I’m starting to feel bad for Jim Buss) the Lakers decided to part company with team wild man Metta World Peace.

Sure, it happened days ago and the Knicks have already scooped Metta to bring him back home (say Queensbridge) but I couldn’t bring myself to admit he was gone until I saw him hoist the blue and orange jersey.

The Lakers have lost their smile, their mentally unstable, goofy smile.

It’s probably for the best.  When aliens start abducting quirky West Coast bball players like Baron Davis, you know it’s only a matter of time until the King of the mentally unstable NBA players beams on up.

Why is it that aliens only abduct the stupid and mentally unstable? It used to be just the cream of the crop from the methed out reaches of the South but now the aliens have resorted to kidnapping bearded, pot toking weirdo NBA players.

At least they dropped B Diddy by the In-And-Out Burger. I wonder if he saw Walter and The Dude?

YouTube Video of the Day

The haunted drive thru guy is back with a fake three story fall and a haunted grocery cart. People scare pretty easy.

Down in the Dumps

Peeping Tom arrested after hiding in septic tank and staring at people using the toilet.

Kenneth Webster Enlow, 52, gave a woman and her daughter the fright of their lives when they went to use the public toilet in a park. 

After entering the restroom, they noticed the man looking up at them from inside the toilet, covered in excrement.

Petrified, the mother rang police to report the Peeping Tom, who had managed to climb into the toilet’s septic tank despite weighing 104kg (16st).

When sheriffs arrived, Enlow told officers his girlfriend had hit him over the head with a steel bar before shoving his unconscious body into the tank.

Once he had been hosed down by a fire crew, the man was taken to hospital and doctors looked for any injuries that could corroborate his story. None were found, so he was arrested. 

It seems the apparent septic stalker has quite a reputation in Oklahoma. Previous arrests Enlow has faced include embezzlement, driving while suspended and being drunk in public.



The depths some people will go to for sexual deviancy – literally. They’ll go into a deep hole and cover themselves with feces, which may be definitely is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard of.

At first glance I though being covered in dung was punishment enough for this sort of crime. If this psycho is dedicated enough to wear a poo jacket to see girls naked then just let him have at it. But then I realized that it must be part of the fetish. If it wasn’t you’d think he would dodge as much of it as he could.

Also, I don’t know how much 16 stone is and I’m sure as hell not breaking out a calculator to figure out what 104 kg is in pounds, but judging by the video, I’m guessing it’s pretty fat. Imagine him trying to shove his Winnie the Pooh ass down that hole just to see some poo. Word play!

Group Text Moment of the Day

He's Got the Whole Beer in His Hands

Not much to this post - just Andre the Giant holding a beer can. The stories about his drinking ability would make Wade Boggs freak out.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

You don't want to look like a rooster, do ya Russ?

Raise the Roof! (all the way off)

Scorned Turkish housewife takes EVERYTHING from marital home including roof and windows (and yes, she took the kitchen sink!)

dailymail.uk.com

They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and it appears Fatma Idem has taken the age-old maxim to heart.

The 34-year-old decided to get even with her spouse - by taking everything from their house when she left, including the roof and windows.

Fatma took crockery, cutlery, carpets and curtains when she left husband Sahin, 40, before returning to remove parts of the actual building. She waited until her husband was at work and then, aided by her brothers, she removed the roof and windows from the former marital home.

Neighbours in Adana, Turkey, called Sahin at work last week, to say his wife was dismantling their home.
Park warden Sahin raced home but was powerless to prevent the house being destroyed as Fatma proved she'd paid for the new roof and windows.

Sahin has now been forced to put his two young sons into temporary care until he can find and furnish a new home where they can be re-united.

Have you ever seen a face more sad than this guy’s mug in the photo? I don’t know what this guy did to his wife but I hope it was pretty bad because this guy got the worst wife treatment since John Wayne Bobbitt. It’s probably cheaper to have your penis sewn on and enlarged than it is to buy a new roof and windows too. Especially when you can sell your story to the American tabloids.

I’ve heard about spouses stealing things but not the entire structure of the house. Tough luck, Sahin. Hope they have a good YMCA in Turkey.

I really only posted this as an excuse to post Sammy Kershaw’s video for Matches, which pretty much mimics Sahin’s story, except Sammy’s song gal left the walls and roof. She did take the bed, the dishes and the car but she left the matches, which he bizarrely uses to burn down a bar. Odd, odd video.

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I suddenly started having excruciating pain. My husband took me to the ER, where I waited for three hours in agony to be seen. By the time a doctor got to me, the pain had mostly gone, but it was found to be a kidney stone. I was told, "Next time, don't wait so long." Really? FML

When Johnny Comes Marching Home (from camp)

A quasi famous man in an ill-fitting suit named El Debarge once asked a thought provoking question – Who’s Johnny? Seventeen years later and the former lead singer of Debarge’s query is still being asked today, not about a wise cracking robot, but a Heisman Trophy winning quarterback.

Sports commentators, analysts and talking heads have lined up on opposite sides of the line to debate who Johnny Manziel really is – a college kid blowing off some steam or a uncontrollable punk hell bent on ruining his own career and making a mockery of college football. There’s middle ground enough for a hail mary but that part of the field looks pretty wide open. Don't expect either side to gain ground after today's SEC Media Day appearance either.

Alright Johnny Football enough is enough this is your last wake up call STOP BRINGING SHAME TO THE GAME !
— Mark May (@mark_may) July 16, 2013

One side, highlighted by chesty goons like Mark May, say the quarterback’s act isn’t just tired, it’s shameful. May likely had a temporary lapse of memory when taking his own youthful shenanigans into account, which raises the argument from the more forgiving side. What you do if you were a 20-year-old Heisman winner flush with family cash and the constant opportunity for partying?

Me? I would have certainly done a lot of the same things as Johnny Football. In fact, I might even find myself in more trouble than him. Hell, I’ve already done some things that would make him blush, although more embarrassing than impressive. But do my drunken inclinations make it okay for Manziel to act the way he does? Do any of our baser instincts make it okay for him to play out the college version of Varsity Blues?

The constant refrain heard in defense of Johnny Manziel is the challenge presented by social media. But isn’t it that new aspect of college life, of celebrity culture, of society in general that demands that he practice some discretion and better judgment?

Don’t expect me to be shocked or offended when a 20-year-old kid shows up late for summer camp counseling because he drank too much. Don’t ask me to be upset when he’s spotted in a party pic on Twitter once a week. But don’t expect me to stand in the way of the angry mob either. Not until this guy realizes that the reason people are watching is partly because he keeps filming the show.

YouTube Video of the Day

Local reporters have the best advice - especially for trying to escape a bear. I hope the bear is easily distracted by moronic activity, spastic movements and goofy facial expressions. Seriously, if a bear wants you dead then you're probably going to end up dead. Anyone who escaped a bear alive was either insanely lucky or Daniel Boone. 

Slip and Slide and Go to Jail

Neighbor: Man begged forgiveness when caught having sex with pool raft
Hamilton man has been arrested for public indecency multiple times.

By Lauren Pack and Eric Schwartzberg/Dayton Daily News

HAMILTON — Neighbors of a man repeatedly arrested for public indecency said they are alarmed by his behavior and hope he receives mental help.

Edwin Charles Tobergta III, 34, of Harmon Avenue, was arrested June 17 for allegedly stepping out his back door naked at about 1:20 p.m. June 15 and having “sexual relations with a rubber pool float,” according to a Hamilton police report.

Tobergta was indicted by a Butler County grand jury Wednesday for public indecency, a fifth-degree felony. If convicted, he faces 12 months behind bars.

Theresa Teague’s 10-year-old daughter was enjoying her new swimming pool June 15 when she ran back inside her house and said, “Edwin was doing something weird out there,” the Hamilton resident told the JournalNews Thursday.

Tobergta was caught in the sex act with an orange inflatable toy that Teague said a neighbor had put out for the trash.

“He was yelling, ‘Please forgive me. I won’t do it again. Don’t call the police,’ ” as he ran back into his house, Teague said.

The girl is now hesitant to play in the back yard, even though she knows Tobergta is in jail, Teague said.

“We are looking at putting her in counseling,” she said

Timothy Teague, the girl’s grandfather, said he is appalled by what happened.

“How can a man — a man — take and do something …. with a rubber raft in front of a 10-year-old child? Its very appalling,” he said.

Theresa Teague moved to the neighborhood in October and said she had no idea about Tobergta’s past.

“I feel like as public citizens, we need to be warned of things like that,” she said.

Tobergta has been arrested several times previously for similar offenses, according to Hamilton Municipal Court records.

In August 2011, he was arrested at his home after he was seen engaging in sexual conduct with a pink inflatable swimming pool raft, according to police records.

The incident allegedly occurred in an alley behind his home. The witness, who was the owner of the raft, reported to police that the suspect took the raft with him after being shouted at to stop, according to records.

After the 2011 arrest, police said Tobergta admitted to the act and told officers that he has a problem and needs help.

Looks like fun - especially to a dude like the one in the photo above

You know what would fix this problem? Not jail. Too harsh. You don’t even get jail time for banging a horse multiple times in the state apparently. No, this one can be wrapped up in a quick, two-part solution – high fences and more spending on pool rafts.

I’m not sure how a 10-year-old would be able to see a man in his own back yard humping a pool raft and the story didn’t exactly make that clear. Maybe the neighbors have a tall deck. Either way if you put up some ten foot fencework with some assorted shrubbery then it should nip the problem in the bud. Then the public isn’t forced to shell out three squares a day on some dude who likes to get down with rafts.

Sure, no one likes the idea of their neighbor rubbing his gross goober on an inflatable next door, but out of sight, out of mind. Also, Mr. Tobertga needs to find a way to scare up his own coin for buying inflatable rafts. You can’t go dumpster diving for a sexual fetish. It’s unsanitary and unsavory.

Group Text Moment of the Day

Keep On Trucking, Mr. Ding-A-Ling!

Mr. Ding-A-Ling driver put on ice after DWI arrest while driving ice cream truck

Jeremy Ryan/cnycentral.com

FULTON COUNTY -- The driver of an ice cream truck who was the victim of an alleged harassment earlier this year has been accused of drunk driving – in his ice cream truck.

According to the Fulton County Sheriff’s Office, around 12:10 a.m. Saturday morning 53-year-old Phillip Hollister of Gloversville was driving a “Mr. Ding-A-Ling” ice cream truck on County Route 123 in Northampton when he allegedly swerved in front of a sheriff’s patrol car and “ran the car off the road”.

Police say Hollister was then pulled over by the deputy and given a breathalyzer test, where he blew a .15% BAC, nearly twice the legal limit of .08% in New York State.

Brian Collis, the owner of Mr. Ding-A-Ling, says Hollister is no longer employed there. Collis says he just found out about the arrest Wednesday morning when the company received a call from the county.
“I haven’t found him (Hollister) yet, but I will (fire him) when I do” said Collis.

“We’re looking for the truck right now,” Collis added, indicating Hollister never returned it after his arrest.

Hollister was charged with driving with intoxicated. He was ticketed and is scheduled to appear in Northampton Town Court on August 15.

This past May, Hollister was the subject of a spat with a “Sno Cone Joe” ice cream truck in Gloversville. In that dispute, police said two Sno Cone Joe operators harassed and stalked Hollister after allegedly confronting him and yelling "this is my town!" at the rival Mr. Ding-A-Ling driver.

Hollister told police at the time that Sno Cone Joe owners Joshua Malatino and Amanda Scott followed his truck, played their music at high volume, and tried to lure away customers with promises of free ice cream.

This story has it all! Drunk driving in an ice cream truck, losing that ice cream truck and harassment between two ice cream truck drivers. Not to mention, the name of the ice cream truck company is Mr. Ding-A-Ling.

Who would have known that the guys over at Sno Cone Joe’s were so fierce? I haven’t seen a rivalry over product like this since Avon’s crew tried to take over the avenue corners and Marlo wasn’t having it.

The war got so bad that it drove Phillip Hollister to drinking. His life was probably going fine and then those bastards over at Sno Cone Joe’s started cutting into his sales with free ice cream giveaways. His finances probably fell apart, causing his wife and kids to cut and run. He tries to drink away his troubles and gets popped for DUI. Now, he’s lost his job.

As Squeek Scolari once said, “I think it was losing the truck that pissed them off the most.”

It's Too High!

In honor on MLB All-Star week here’s a homage to my favorite baseball movie of all-time by a blogger way more creative than yours truly. It's a great oral history of the 1989 Cleveland Indians from Major League. I’d ask how someone has this much time on their hands but that would be looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I was moving to my new apartment. I left some furniture outside as I drove to dump the first load at my new place. When I got back, everything was gone. Apparently, today is the day the donation truck was coming around to take everything we don't need. FML

No Sweat!

It’s that time of year again – the Final Four!

What’s that you say? It’s July and the Final Four is in April. Well, you’re right, almost. I was referring to the Final Four of the Bill Cosby Sweater Tournament being contested on billcosby.com.

As I’m writing this the best two teams from each regional, The Argyles, The Cardigans, The Cashmeres and The Pullovers are doing battle. By the time you click this link you should see what will likely amount to be the most hotly contested Final Four in tourney history.

The favorite in this year’s tourney is the Pudding Man’s homage to track and field, a fine gray argyle with three identical sprinters (I can only guess inspired by Carl Lewis) in a race around the track. This sweater won its first round matchup against a dull, vertical striped argyle in an 85 to 15% blowout and then quickly dispensed of a black argyle with pink and turquoise footprints in the Sweat 16.Get the pun?


In the Fleecy Eight it’ll show down with a dark, colorful argyle swirl which is the most overrated sweater in the tourney. It only reached this point because Bill is making a very adorable face in the photo.

The Fleecy Eight matchup in the Cashmere regional should be hotly contested. But I’ve got my money on the upset special in this green goblin inspired Twilight Zone sweater.

The hot pick in the Cardigan Regional looks like something Rudy may have picked out for Fourth of July and a nice pick in the Pullover regional is a red, yellow and green sweater with hearts. It features a photo of Bill making his pudding face to Raven Symone.

Get in on the action. Vegas probably has odds!

CHALLENGE!

YouTube Video of the Day

The wheels on the bus go round and round but the passenger on the bus beats this clown!

Just Friends

FOX and Friends has already been lampooned as easily the dumbest, most over the top ignorant, far right wing garbage FOX dishes out. It’s like their dumbest viewers like to watch really early in the morning. Completely opposite from liberals. Our dumbest folks, like me, generally don’t stumble out of bed until Noon (you know, like I used to before I had bills).



Say what you want about Gretchen Carlson but she was definitely the brains of FOX and Friends. She graduated cum laude from Stanford and used to do some somewhat credible journalism for CBS. Compare that to the pride of Abilene, Steve Doocy (no wonder he has such a stick up his ass) and former UFC announcer Brian Kilmeade, who may or may not be able to read and you look like a Rhodes Scholar instead of Miss America.



Now you replace the only person with any shred of credibility with the screaming nut who’s married to the far less famous Hasselbeck brother. Brian Kilmeade has about as much credibility in the sports world. Liz will speak her mind, despite the fact that she’s pretty much mindless.

She most recently has caught hell from PETA for admitting to cut off a chicken’s head. Don’t expect a chicken wing eating fool like me to give her hell for that. If anything I wish her the best in future in endeavors. Keep on plucking that chicken!

Group Text Moment of the Day

Book Em Fuda!

Cops: Police chief arrests man attempting to carjack his SUV

By Marcus K. Garner/The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

MONCKS CORNER, SC (WCSC) -Bonneau Police Chief Franco Fuda arrested a 25-year-old man who investigators say attempted to carjack the chief's SUV at a Walmart parking lot in Moncks Corner. 

Around 11:55 p.m. on Tuesday, officers responded to the Sunoco gas station on 609 N. Highway 52 for a report of a man trying to get into a woman's car.  A 30-year-old woman said she was at the car wash across the street where a man, later identified as Tysheem Lamar Gavin, attempted to get in her truck. 

The woman then told the man to shut the door. According to police, the woman then backed out of the wash bay and took off as the man began chasing her and screaming obscenities at her. 

The woman reported the man reached under his shirt a number of times as if he was reaching for a weapon, and said he would "cut her (expletive) throat." 

Authorities say when the woman stopped at the Sunoco gas station across the street, the man ran up to the vehicle, beat on the driver's window and cursed at her. 

Investigators say the man then ran in the direction of a nearby Walmart. Bonneau Police Chief Franco Fuda, who was at the nearby Walmart, heard the call and responded to the incident, but left after authorities told him the suspect was nowhere to be found.

Fuda then returned to the Walmart. 

"So I come into the parking lot...turned out my lights and looked down momentarily," Fuda said."[When] I looked up there was this guy that just appeared out of nowhere, soaking wet with sweat. His eyes were wide...looked crazy."

Fuda said the man then attempted to open the back passenger door of his SUV, during which time Fuda contacted the Moncks Corner Police Department and told them the carjacking suspect was at the Walmart parking lot attempting to break into his vehicle.

"His eyes were huge, it looked like a scene out of a zombie movie," Fuda said. "Policy would dictate that I would just sit still until that jurisdiction gets here."

But according to Fuda, the man began walking towards another car occupied by people. Fuda said he got out of his SUV thinking of the safety of customers in the area and people in the nearby car.

"So I exited my vehicle and unholstered my weapon and the guy was standing there, sure enough focused on those folks," Fuda said. "I challenged him, put him on the ground, handcuffed him and detained him until Moncks Corner got there."

Investigators say a box cutter was found on the suspect, identified as Gavin. According to police, as officers picked the suspect up from the ground, authorities reported Gavin was sweating "profusely" and could smell alcohol on him. 

Live5News.com | Charleston, SC | News, Weather, Sports

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Great police work and great story from Marcus Garner, but I think Marcus buried the lead here. The police chief’s name is Fuda and he’s fat? How do you not have a little fun with that?

So Chief Fuda, Gavin’s eyes were wide and looked crazy? Is that perhaps because he was looking at your badge that said fuda and your fuda at the same time and had such a moment of hilarity explode in his head that that he went delirious for a while? Sure, lots of people get drunk enough to carjack someone but they don’t go apeshit until they see a fat dude with a nametag that says fuda. Comedy can’t just write itself like that. Unless you’re a fat dude named Peter Griffin.



I’m seriously immature.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I politely asked a man to not sleep on a tram stop that I had to clean. He got up, and while I leaned forward to pick up some trash from the ground nearby, I felt a warm stream on my back. Now I can't get the smell of urine off my clothes. FML

Ron is God and God is Ron!

In what may be worse news that the “new guy” leaving L.A. for Houston, the Lakers are now tossing around the idea of parting ways with Metta World Peace, aka the Artist Formerly Known As Ron Artest.

And when I say tossing around I mean, it’s probably going to happen. That is if Kobe doesn’t storm into Jim Buss’ office and start throwing chairs.

This officially ruins my summer. The Lakers are regularly a five alarm dumpster fire mess of drama but Ron can always turn the tide of negativity with a crazy comment or a bizarre interview. Now that locker room is going to look like Debbie Downer for a year. Sadly, I don’t think signing Captain Caveman is going to help.

What hurts the most is that I never thought the Lakers would be the team to shave salary just for the sake of shaving salary. Lottery taxes shouldn’t be a concern when FOX Sports is having a drunken Rick Fox wheelbarrow money over in a sombrero each week for TV rights. Sure, keeping cap space for the free agent space race of 2014 is smart but Artest’s salary would have come off the books after this season. So what’s up with the penny pinching?

Please whole foods!!! Put them juicy oranges on sale!!! Pleeasssseeee!!!!
— Metta World Peace (@MettaWorldPeace) July 9, 2013

Ok. My breaking news is my oranges that I love will not be on sale at whole foods. Worst day ever!!
— Metta World Peace (@MettaWorldPeace) July 9, 2013

At least Ron isn’t taking it to heart. He’s too busy worrying about Whole Food and their delicious oranges. Say Queensbridge!

YouTube Video of the Day

One second you’re getting some unleaded and a Mountain Dew and the next second you’re a human fireball. Crazy stuff.

He's in Hog Hell

Tulsa Homeowner Hogties Attempted Burglar

Dan Bewley, News On 6

A burglary suspect got quite the surprise Wednesday morning. Police say Robert Cole tried to break into a home, but ended up hogtied in the front yard.

The picture is making its way around the Internet. Police say Cole was bum-rushed and hogtied by the homeowner, after he tried to break in to the house in the 2600 block of East 54th Street North.

"He's like a superhero," said Denay Houston.

She said she is awfully proud of her husband and how this would-be burglar ended up.

"I got adrenaline running through me like nobody's business right now, and being nine months pregnant doesn't help any," Houston said.

It all started when the Houstons heard the glass break outside their daughter's bedroom around 6 o'clock Wednesday morning.

"That folding chair was in her bedroom, shattered glass all over the place, and I said, 'A raccoon didn't do that.' And he was just like, 'Oh God,'" Houston said.

They heard rustling inside the garage and Houston's husband went to the front door.

"And then he waited for him to come out and then he bum-rushed him," she said.

He did more than just bum-rush him--her husband tied Robert Cole's hands and feet behind his back; hogtied him.

"I was like, 'That's my man!' I was really proud of him," Houston said.

As soon as Cole was tied up, Houston said her husband turned to her and said he had to leave, had to go work. That's why we couldn't talk to him today.

So, he called police and let his wife watch over his catch.

"That's just the type of person he is, you know? That's just the type of person he is. Business is business. 'I got to take care of business, he's safe, the police are coming, I got to go,'" Houston said.

Houston said her husband was never into rodeo or anything, but he does work with horses and knows his way around a rope.

But it does beg the question: when he had finished tying Cole up, did he raise his arms in victory like these pros?

"He didn't do that. He was just like (nods head), kind of like the head nod, like, 'Okay, what's done is done.'"



Hey, I’m just as impressed with this homeowner taking matters into his own hands as everyone else but I’ve got to question his overconfidence. You’re just going to leave a robber tied up in your yard with your wife inside while you rush off to work?

His wife said it best – he ain’t no pro roper. So why was he so sure of his knot tying skills to just skip off to the job site?

What kind of job does this guy have where his boss wouldn’t understand that tying up a robber and waiting for the fuzz is a pretty good reason for being late? Talk about a slave driver.

Kudos Robert Cole, but the next time you goat rope some dude in mesh shorts trying to break in your daughter’s window, maybe wait for the cops.

Group Text Moment of the Day - Hangover Edition

Here's the best of our convo from July 5th.

Politics Are Wack!

My Proposal for a Bill That Bans Male Masturbation in Texas

Charles Clymer/Huffington Post

I think we can all agree that life is sacred, and we must do everything we can to ensure that potential life is protected.

The anti-choice bill in Texas currently being debated is a great start, but we need to go right to the source: the horrible murder of sperm that occurs during male masturbation.

Some activists would have you believe these are just clumps of cells, but anyone who looks at semen under a microscope can tell you that individual sperm demonstrate purposeful movements.


Did you know that we have no actual study that proves sperm can't feel pain when unnecessarily ejaculated? It's true! For all we know, these are living organisms that endure excruciating nerve stimulation when exposed outside of the male reproductive system.

There are those who would argue that we are regulating men's bodies and taking away their freedom to make their own healthcare choices, but as our conservative brethren have pointed out in many a debate on rape culture, men simply can't control their sexual urges on their own as per the landmark legal reasoning of "boys will be boys." Therefore, they need help and incentives.

To that end, I am proposing a bill in the Texas Legislature that does the following:

Mr. Clymer has an eight point plan you can follow by clicking here. I’m definitely in favor of a woman having a right to make her own choice about her body and I’m 100 percent behind Wendy Davis and her ilk standing up for women’s rights but I don’t think its okay at all to joke about banning male masturbation. It and alcohol are the only things I’ve got!

I’d rather see the polar extremes of each party’s deepest, darkest fear (which is pretty much totalitarianism with someone they don’t like in charge) play out rather than losing my jacking rights. If they’re coming for me, I’m going down in a blaze of cheap lotion and internet porn.

Let’s keep all our laws off everyone’s body and pretend to be happy. Except for that crazy guy who banged the same horse twice. Put him in the Hannibal Lecter outfit.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

Bang bang! I wish Rick James had two more hands!

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for oral sex, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

They're Playing Basketball! (and getting blasted by rappers)

It’s getting real now, Dwight. You diss the City of Angels and the most storied NBA franchise in the league and you may get some criticism from the basketball community.

Phil Jackson will wish you luck on the Astros; Shaq will say you can’t handle the pressure; Kobe will unfollow you on Twitter and post a passive aggressive Instagram of him and Pau. As for the West Coast rappers, well, they’re out for blood.

Here’s what former NWA member and star of Are We There Yet?, Ice Cube had to say about Dwight leaving L.A. It's pretty strong language.

Fuck Dwight Howard, god damnit. We don’t need no punkass motherfuckkers on our team. We don’t give a fuck about a Dwight Coward. We don’t need no bitches on our team, homie. He don’t deserve to go up on that god damn wall. So I predict tonight, Kobe will another championship before Dwight Howard ever sniffs one.

Good call on the Dwight Coward comment. As easy a word slam as it is to make this is the first time I think I’ve seen it. Sometimes the best roads are the well paved ones. Cube probably learned that driving cross country with Nia Long and the kids.

I wonder which rapper will have the next word. Eminem will probably sue Dwight for using D12.

Howard can have fun in H-Town and goof it up for the cameras but Cube and the Lakers are coming straight outta Compton! Dwight, tell Cube how his ass tastes!

YouTube Video of the Day

I had a big time crush on the entire 1996 USA Gymnastics team. They basically helped get me through puberty but Shin Soo-ji is definitely tops in the hot gymnast realm after this clip. Now, I feel really creepy.

Nay Means Nay

We cover a lot of horse related stories on the BYB - from the heart touching tale of Tabitha Darling and her Seeing Eye horse (and her being one of the few and proud commenters on the BYB) to the stomach turning tales of horse buggery, including the story of twice arrested horse banger Rondell Vereen.

Vereen was famous in the weird news world for being the first man (at least that we know of) to be arrested for sleeping with the same horse twice. At the time I wasn’t sure if I was okay with seeing Vereen have to register as a sex offender. But a hardened heart and the photo of the man recently arrested in Texas for a similar act have changed my mind.

Meet Cirilo Castillo, or as I like to call him the face of fear.

From Gawker - A Texas man has now been arrested and jailed two separate times for having sex with the same horse. Hidalgo County sheriff's deputies arrested Cirilo Castillo earlier this week after they allegedly caught him – on video, no less — having sex with the horse, named Nadia, in her corral.

Castillo is apparently obsessed with Nadia. So obsessed that he returned to have sex with her just three months after he was jailed for having sex with her, or, more specifically, after he was jailed for cruelty to animals. (Texas, as it turns out, does not have a law against bestiality).

Nadia's owners realized Castillo might be back when they found a "mysterious bucket" in her corral, though they didn't specify what made the bucket mysterious. The owners then set up a video camera to catch Castillo in the act and contacted the Hidalgo County sheriff's department.

“We have a hell of a surveillance tape,” Hidalgo County Sheriff Lupe Trevino told the Houston Chronicle. “It is not going to go to, ‘America’s Funniest Videos,’ that is for sure.”

Trevino went on, describing Castillo as a laborer with prior arrests for minor crimes like theft and marijuana possession.

“The guy is practically harmless, except for the horse,” Trevino said.

Because there's no law against bestiality in Texas, Castillo can, according to Trevino, only be charged with trespassing and maybe cruelty to the horse, if there's evidence the animal was hurt. Trevino didn't say if the “hell of a surveillance tape” included such evidence.

The Hidalgo County Sherrif can dish out whatever platitudes he wants about Castillo being harmless but I’m going to have nightmares about this guy’s grill giving a demented grin while he’s getting some tail, literally.

And why doesn’t Texas have a law against bestiality? Every time gay marriage gets brought up in this state right wing lawmakers say it would be a slippery slope toward people marrying animals. You know what is a real slippery slope toward that? It not being illegal to bang animals.

Anywho, I have to go take a shower and pretend I didn’t just blog about this. I hope I don’t see a mysterious bucket when I get out.

Group Text Moment of July 4th

Here's the best of our July 4th convo. I know, nothing great but we all were busy celebrating or passed out.

Nazis Invading Jersey Shore

Snooki & Pauly D: Some Nazi a-hole gave out our cell phone #’s

TMZ.com

Snooki and Pauly D were forced to change their cell phone numbers yesterday ... after some swastika-loving
Nazi jerkwad hacked into JWoww's Twitter account and gave out their digits to all of her followers, TMZ has learned.

Here's what we know ... the Anti-Semitic mystery hacker took over JWoww's page on Sunday night -- changed her Twitter avatar to a swastika -- and then gave out several private numbers to all of JWoww's 3.3 MILLION followers.

Among the released numbers -- Snooki, Pauly D, Deena and Perez Hilton.

We're told the Snooks, Pauly and Deena have already changed their numbers in the wake of the hack -- we're guessing Perez probably followed suit.

JWoww has since regained control of her Twitter page -- and got rid of the Nazi symbol. The identity of the hacker is still unknown.



I’m a little confused here. Wasn’t Italy in the original Axis of Evil? So why are Adolph’s followers giving Benito’s tribe so much trouble on Twitter?

Also, as best I can remember from American History X, I think quite a bit of fist pumping goes on at Nazi rallys. Maybe the Nazi hacker just saw Pauly Deena and thought it was Paula Dean. He was probably just trying to give her a retweet.

Honestly, I don’t have any problem with any of those wastes of space having to change their phone numbers. Now they can finally have some real drama in their lives that hasn’t been pre-manufactured by MTV.

If I'm Lion, I'm Dying

Teen Mauled While Trying To Kiss Captive Lion

Sky News

A teenager has been mauled by a captive lion after she tried to kiss the animal through the bars at a South African wildlife park.

Lauren Fagen, of Montreal, suffered severe flesh wounds when the male lion dragged her feet and legs into the enclosure at Moholoholo Wildlife Rehabilitation Centre.

The 18-year-old volunteer worker is recovering in hospital and says she is lucky to be alive.

"I didn't realise he could stick his paws through. I should have died or lost a leg," Ms Fagen told The Globe and Mail newspaper.

"It was a miracle that I survived. He could have ripped off my skin and I would have died of blood loss."

Ms Fagen began volunteer work at the wildlife centre in June cleaning the lion cages and feeding other animals.

The attack happened while Ms Fagen was cleaning a feeding cage on Monday.

A five-year-old male lion named Duma began rubbing his face against an adjoining cage, and Ms Fagen said she decided to kiss the animal's fur.




It’s an animalistic type of day in the BYB today.

What was this kid thinking? You know why the lion is behind the cage? Because he’s a freaking lion! And, if he had it his way, I don’t think he’d be behind bars. He’d probably rather have a belly full of Montreal teenager while enjoying a leisurely nap on the open plains.

But due to poachers and general interference he has to sit in an enclosure. The last thing he wants is a kiss from some goofy Canadian broad to make him feel better.

There’s no way this kid is getting into college, right? Or university, as they call it in the Great North. I’m sure admissions people use Google to weed through students and if that’s true, she’s screwed. No one is letting in the girl that’s stupid enough to kiss a lion.

True story: On the way to Mardi Gras we stopped at a gas station in Louisiana that had a live bengal tiger behind a cage. I was about this girls age and was pretty much lit on beer and shots and I still knew it was a bad idea to go poking my lips around a tiger cage. Sure, I made several other bad decisions that weekend but they weren’t tiger related.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

I believe I see a product in the background that she probably needs.

Happy 4th of July!

It’s the 4th of July and that means two things here on the BYB. One, the Hulk Hogan theme song and two, Joey Chestnut gets some love.

That’s right. Joey Chestnut may have recently come in behind two women in a rib eating contest (the winner of which is quite attractive) but July 4 still belongs to Chestnut. Plus, the Great Weiner Slayer ate the world record for pastrami sandwiches last month.



Newcomers can talk trash and Kobayashi can second guess from overseas but it’ll be King Joey hoisting the belt again this year.

Gluttony and patriotism. That’s what makes a Real American! Cue the song!

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I was working as a nurse, and an elderly man had just passed away. As the patient's wife was leaving she said, "Thank you for taking such good care of my husband." Then I, intending to say "Sorry for your loss," said "Thank you for your loss." FML

YouTube Video of the Day

I love this robot. If he could drive and play 80's pop songs I'd sell everything I own and buy him.

I'm NOT Loving It!

Bizarre incident at McDonald’s drive-thru leads to woman being charged

By Edward Marshall/ journal-news.net

MARTINSBURG - A bizarre incident at a McDonald's drive-thru in Martinsburg involving a bare-breasted woman and caramel led to the woman being arraigned Friday on warrants charging her with indecent exposure and providing false information to a police officer.

Sarah Lee Linaburg, 32, of Evans Run Drive, Martinsburg, was later released from custody after posting $6,000 bail.

According to court records a McDonald’s employee called 911 and asked to speak with law enforcement about an incident that occurred at the drive-thru window. The employee told police that while working at the drive-thru window, a man driving a purple Chrysler 300 pulled up to the window and ordered food.

After paying for the food, the man asked the employee for an extra cup of caramel for his coffee. When she handed the driver a cup of caramel, a woman in the vehicle's passenger seat took her shirt off while the driver put the caramel on her chest, records show.

The driver allegedly licked the caramel off her before driving away, records show.

The employee provided police with the vehicle's license plate number, and a trooper reviewed surveillance video footage of the drive-thru. Police couldn't identify the driver and the surveillance video footage didn't capture what occurred in the vehicle, records show.

The address listed on the vehicle's registration was traced back to Linaburg's home.

The next morning, troopers saw a purple Chrysler 300 in the driveway of the residence. The license plate number matched the one provided to police by the McDonald's employee, records show.

Linaburg told police the car was hers, but claimed she was at home sleeping when the alleged incident occurred. Police obtained a picture of her and returned to the McDonald's, where the employee who reported the incident identified the woman in the photo as the same woman she saw at the drive-thru window the previous night. 

Not the real cop car. Just a cop at another McDonald's for dramatic effect

When I think of McDonald’s I think two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. I don’t think of caramel covered breasts. It would be one thing if these nuts tried this at Burger King. At least over there you can have it your way but not a Mickey D’s.

Having caramel licked off your boobs in a McDonald’s drive thru isn’t my idea of romance but there’s some off folks out there. All in all, think ranks pretty low in the world of McDonald’s related crime, coming well below telephone instructed sexual assault and World Star.com worthy fights.

The quick arrest of Ms. Linaburg was surprising, considering the police have been unable to capture the Hamburglar, who has been a fugitive from the law for four decades.

If Linaburg was smart she would have just spilled the coffee on herself and turned this bad act into a money making venture.

Group Text Moment of the Day

The Dude abides

What A Croc: Shoeless Sot Apprehended

Man runs off without Crocs, wets pants after break-in attempt, deputies say

By Brett Clarkson, Sun Sentinel

Dominick Andrew Giordano ran off without his Crocs and his bladder-control skills, deputies said.

The 32-year-old West Boca man apparently urinated himself after he tried and failed to break into another man's truck, then tried to flee, according to a Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office arrest report.

The reports lays out the allegations against Giordano:

At about 12:15 p.m. Monday, a West Boca couple stopped at the Chipotle at 9930 Glades Road.
While their Toyota Tundra pick-up truck was parked, a man later identified as Giordano tried to open the vehicle's door.

The driver, a 53-year-old West Delray man, yelled at Giordano, who took off running south.
Giordano's black Croc shoes fell off and he left them at the scene. He kept running to a nearby Discount Shoe Warehouse.

A deputy arrived to find Giordano walking out of the shoe store, barefoot and clutching a bag of new sneakers.

Giordano was told to sit on the sidewalk. At this point, the deputy noticed a liquid stream soaking his pant leg and from Giordano's breath, an "overwhelmingly strong smell of alcohol."

"While looking at the suspect it appeared that he may have urinated himself as there was a steady wet stream line running down his right pant leg," the deputy wrote in his report.

Giordano offered an explanation, according to the report. He said he thought the Toyota Tundra was his because he "used to have a truck."

At one point, Giordano also apologized and said, "man, I thought that was my buddy's truck," deputies said.

Here’s a good rule of thumb. If you can’t break into a house without pissing yourself then you might not be cut out for the other side of the law.





If there’s one thing that makes a good cat burglar its stealth movements and quick getaways.  Soaking your britches during a robbery attempt and losing your shoes in the ensuing getaway won’t get you cast in Ocean’s 14.

Plus, when you lose your shoes during a crime, don’t you think the cops would think first to check nearby shoe stores? Unless your feet are extremely sensitive, shoes can wait.

Perhaps I am a being a bit too hard on Giordano. When you’re literally piss drunk at Noon at a Chipotle a lot of bad ideas are going to start making sense. Drunk and shoeless is no way to go through life son.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

It's no small wonder this guy's running buddy is wearing a Raiders shirt.

Batter Up!

Eastbound and Down just got hotter, wetter and a lot, lot better. Ken Marino is going to play a fellow washed up big leaguer this season on Eastbound and Down this season.

The news coming off the set (I sound like I work at Deadline) is that Marino will play a hard partying jock much like Kenny Powers. It should sufficiently replace his bromance lost after the tragic death of Shane, played by Jason Sudekis.

I wasn’t really looking forward to another season after the steady decline after Season One but they reeled me back in with Marino.

Here’s hoping we see something as wonderful as this.

F My Life Moment of the Day

Today, I found my cat dead on the road. I called my family and told them, and later buried the cat. Not long after I got done burying it, my cat walked up to me. I buried someone else's cat. FML

They're Playing Basketball! (and maybe eating free chicken fingers)

So the Dwight Howard sweepstakes has begun in earnest and our current highlights have been the most scrutinized set of billboards since JC Penney reincarnated Hitler in teapot form, a tweet from Phil Jackson and Yao Ming skyping.

But the leader in the clubhouse for bizarre free agent story is Raising Cane’s offering D12 free chicken fingers for life if he signs with the Dallas Mavericks. When you’re primed to make at least $20 million a year for the next four to five seasons free chicken fingers doesn’t seem like that much of a perk but a truly pennywise person takes advantage of these kinds of deals. Just ask the folks on Extreme Couponing who dig through the trash looking for Wal Mart ads. 

One of the guy's in my group text (who has about as much concrete information about Howard as anyone ESPN is employing to cover him) said this offer could be worth around $500,000 in chicken.

The offer coupled with the notion that Houston may not be able to meet Howard’s demands that Omar Asik and Jeremy Lin be traded for a player more famous (Linsanity is so 2012!) could land Dwight in the Big D. Sure, the Mavs may not have as much money to offer as the Rockets or a quality player under the age of 35 but they’ve got chicken and a jetsetting owner. 

This story should play out nicely for another few weeks, leading up to the Lakers’ last ditch attempt to resnag Howard, which will likely come with Kobe Bryant’s most awkward conversation since about a decade ago.