Politics Are Wack!

My Proposal for a Bill That Bans Male Masturbation in Texas

Charles Clymer/Huffington Post

I think we can all agree that life is sacred, and we must do everything we can to ensure that potential life is protected.

The anti-choice bill in Texas currently being debated is a great start, but we need to go right to the source: the horrible murder of sperm that occurs during male masturbation.

Some activists would have you believe these are just clumps of cells, but anyone who looks at semen under a microscope can tell you that individual sperm demonstrate purposeful movements.


Did you know that we have no actual study that proves sperm can't feel pain when unnecessarily ejaculated? It's true! For all we know, these are living organisms that endure excruciating nerve stimulation when exposed outside of the male reproductive system.

There are those who would argue that we are regulating men's bodies and taking away their freedom to make their own healthcare choices, but as our conservative brethren have pointed out in many a debate on rape culture, men simply can't control their sexual urges on their own as per the landmark legal reasoning of "boys will be boys." Therefore, they need help and incentives.

To that end, I am proposing a bill in the Texas Legislature that does the following:

Mr. Clymer has an eight point plan you can follow by clicking here. I’m definitely in favor of a woman having a right to make her own choice about her body and I’m 100 percent behind Wendy Davis and her ilk standing up for women’s rights but I don’t think its okay at all to joke about banning male masturbation. It and alcohol are the only things I’ve got!

I’d rather see the polar extremes of each party’s deepest, darkest fear (which is pretty much totalitarianism with someone they don’t like in charge) play out rather than losing my jacking rights. If they’re coming for me, I’m going down in a blaze of cheap lotion and internet porn.

Let’s keep all our laws off everyone’s body and pretend to be happy. Except for that crazy guy who banged the same horse twice. Put him in the Hannibal Lecter outfit.