They're Playing Basketball (and formally divorcing their wives)

Secret hearing marks end of Duncans' union

BY GUILLERMO CONTRERAS/My SA

San Antonio Spurs star Tim Duncan's marriage is officially over.

In an unusual and secret hearing Tuesday that didn't even occur at the Bexar County Courthouse, state District Judge David A. Canales granted the divorce between Duncan and his college sweetheart, Amy.

The judge later told the San Antonio Express-News that he held the hearing during his lunch hour at the offices of Tim Duncan's lawyer, Sue Hall, at her request. The couple and their lawyers were present.

Several court observers saw the special request as unusual given that so-called “home” visits by judges are not normally afforded to the general public.

“I would say it's highly unusual, but I think it would be highly disruptive for them to come to court,” said attorney Jean Brown, who practices family law.

Canales said it wasn't out of the ordinary for a judge to hold an on-the-record hearing off-site, though it was the first time he has been asked to do it.

Notice of the hearing appeared nowhere on any public docket. Canales said that when a judge gets an agreement in a divorce case, it is not necessary to give public notice of a hearing.

He added that the parties felt uncomfortable coming to court because of the possible “paparazzi” factor — people taking pictures of them or asking for autographs.

“I don't see it as doing a special favor for the sake of a favor,” Canales said. “These folks were involved in a very private matter. It was mainly for privacy.”

Details of the divorce, such as the division of assets and which parent gets custody of their two children, were not immediately released.

The filings, which used only their initials, were first reported in the Express-News as part of a series examining the increasing number of cases in which parties are identified only by initials, and how the process toes the line of legal bounds.

Why is it so important for the details of Tim Duncan’s divorce to be kept quiet? Sure, privacy and all, but why are official documents redacted with only initials listed instead of names?

There were the gay rumors that leaked on the internet a month or so ago but that can’t be it. That news isn’t big enough to have the Bexar county government locking down information more effectively than the CIA.

The truth – Tim Duncan is a robot. That’s why he showed no signs of slowing down last season and that’s why he never has anything interesting to say. Whoever “raised” him in the Virgin Islands actually created him in a lab using the skin and muscles of a recently deceased man whose jaw was unable to close properly and a super computer programmed only with basketball knowledge and the verbal skills of an average eight-year-old.

It’s either that he’s some type of jungle bigfoot that was shaved down and taught to speak in choppy sentences. There’s fishy something going on.