College Football Picks Week 9

This week is shaping up to be the best slate of games thus far this season, which means all the games will probably end up sucking. Nevertheless, I'm excited about them now and what could enhance that excitement more than my terrible predictions costing you money?

As always I pick against the spread and the winners are in red. Explanations follow when I see fit.

Tennessee at # 17 South Carolina (-14)
South Carolina will rebound after two straight losses with a win that will certainly seal Derek Dooley's fate. Cheer up Dooley, there's plently of schools with poor shower etiquette to correct.
#23 Texas (-21) at Kansas
Mack Brown seems to be falling apart. His defense is getting its doors blown off and he's openly squawking about the Longhorn Network being a detriment. This may be the middle of the slow death march to early retirement. I like Coach Fuda to keep it closer than the experts think.
Colorado at #4 Oregon (-45.5)
The only concern here is that Oregon pulls its foot off the breaks early as it did last week. But as bad as the Buff are, Oregon may be 45 by the end of the first quarter. Quack, quack, quack, quack Mrs. Ducksworth!
#2 Florida (-7) vs. #10 Georgia
The Gator defense shut down Marcus Lattimore last week and should be able to do the same against Gurshall this week. Can Jeff Driskel generate enough points to cover? Sure.
#14 Texas Tech at #3 Kansas State (-7)
Tech is coming off two impressive wins but the Raider defense will be a unique test this week in the form of Collin Klein. Add that to the challenge of facing Arthur Brown and the Wildcat defense and Tech's hot streak must come to an end.
#9 USC (-6.5) at Arizona
Arizona's defense was a bragging point going into the Oregon game last week. Not so much now. I think Matt Barkley pours some salt in the wounds here.
Michigan State at #25 Wisconsin (-6)
#20 Texas A&M (-15.5) at Auburn
Johnny Football will love playing against the Tigers much more than the ones he faced last week.
Washington State at #17 Stanford (-25)
Mike Leach is only halfway through one season and he's already in full Madboy mode, banning his players from Twitter this week. How long until we get a fat, little girlfriends comment?
#5 Notre Dame at #8 Oklahoma (-11)
I think Oklahoma takes this one but I can't see Notre Dame getting beat by 12 as good as the Irish defense is playing. I'll take the points.
#22 Michigan at Nebraska (-2)
It pains me to pick against my Huskers but nothing about Nebraska gives me confidence going into this game. Nebraska has been blasted in their two losses by running QB's (Brett Hundley and Braxton Miller). Nebraska will score but not enough to keep up with Shoelace.
#11 Mississippi State at #1 Alabama (-24)
Alabama has to play a close one some time this season, right? Mississippi State has yet to beat an opponent with a pulse but the Bulldogs have been blowing the doors off their competition. I think it's close for a while before Alabama turns it on for a two touchdown win.
TCU at Oklahoma State (-7.5)
Different quarterback, same result for the Cowboys as TCU is struggling mightily against passing teams at the moment.
Ohio State (-1) at Penn State
Braxton Miller is banged up going into a clash with the best defense in the Big Ten. Penn State may actually be the best team in the conference right now and I'm calling for the slight upset.
#7 Oregon State (-4.5) at Washington
Can Cinderella find her shoe again this week? Sean Mannion returns to give the team a spark that will be much needed against a tough Seattle crowd. But it won;t be enough.

Man of Steel Not Fit for Print

Clark Kent makes a major life change in new 'Superman'

USA Today

The Daily Planet has a new job opening.

In Superman issue 13, the Man of Steel's alter ego, mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, quits the Metropolis newspaper that has been his employer since the DC Comics superhero's earliest days in 1940.

With Daily Planet editor in chief Perry White getting on his case for not enough scoops on the Superman beat and his boss' boss Morgan Edge also giving him a hard time, leads to a Jerry Maguire-type moment where he quits in front of the whole staff and rails on how journalism has given way to entertainment — in a not-so-mild-mannered fashion. (The Daily Planet has also been moving more toward the real world, too, with the newspaper becoming part of the multimedia corporation Galaxy Broadcasting.)

"This is really what happens when a 27-year-old guy is behind a desk and he has to take instruction from a larger conglomerate with concerns that aren't really his own," Superman writer Scott Lobdell explains.

You know newspapers are officially dead when even Superman can't save them. Lobdell also said that Clark Kent "is more likely to start the next Huffington Post or the next Drudge Report than he is to go find someone else to get assignments or draw a paycheck from."

The Drudge Report might be a stretch. I can't see some Krypton born to an alien father questioning Obama about his birth certificate.

I bet Superman would have a pretty interesting social media presence. All his tweets would be about how lame Aquaman is or how he's always trying to fly by Wonder Woman's invisible plane while she changes clothes.

Thanks to Superman for throwing the last bit of dirt of the grave of the newspaper industry. The Internet was its kryptonite.

Sleeping With the Sleepers

Piedmont HS warns parents of "fantasy slut league" among students
by Sergio Quintana/East Bay News

PIEDMONT, Calif. (KGO) -- An alert by the principal of Piedmont High School has raised concerns among parents. In a letter sent last week, the principal says his staff discovered a so-called "fantasy slut league" among students.

In the letter, Principal Rich Kitchens describes "a 'Fantasy Slut League' in which our female students (unbeknownst to most of them) are drafted as part of the league...Male students earn points for documented engagement in sexual activities with female students."

According to the letter, school staff learned about this during a recent assembly about date rape prevention.

An investigation was launched on campus and they learned this has been going on for five to six years.

The principal wrote, "Participation often involved pressure/manipulation by older students that included alcohol to impair judgment/control and social demands to be popular."

You've got to hand it to these boys. Sex is the perfect avenue for fantasy gaming. Its fantasy games about fantasies. And really, is this all that different than the hijinx in American Pie or Porky's?

Imagine all the possibilities. Just leg a bum knee for Maurice Jones Drew could derail your team, a token religious phase or unexpected pregnancy could take out your top slut. Then you've got to reach for that freshman chick lets you get to third base and shuts you down. You'd have to check the waiver wire every week for some girl who just broke up with her boyfriend. Sounds like a blast and the next great teen sex comedy.

The only thing I can't get behind is manipulating the girls into having sex. When Jeremy Maclin gets hurt I can't go shoot him up with painkillers and coax him into playing.

College Football Power Rankings Week 9

College Football Power Rankings

1.       Alabama – The Tide haven’t played the cream of the SEC yet but thrashing the also-rans by 30 points a game is impressive enough.
2.       Florida – This team has gone from grinding out wins against decent teams to laying the wood to the defending SEC East champs.
3.       Oregon – The Ducks dropped behind Kansas State in the BCS ratings but I’ll keep Oregon at #3 as a sportsmanship award for taking the second half off against ‘Zona.
4.       Kansas State – Had Bill Snyder not been his usual wily self in 2010 the Wildcats would have to play Oregon this season. In usual Snyder fashion, he cancelled and replaced with a cupcake.
5.       Notre Dame – It hasn’t been pretty (especially the controversial call against Stanford) but Notre Dame keeps winning.
6.       LSU – The best of the one loss teams found enough offense to defeat flavor of the week, Johnny “Football” Manziel. 
7.       Oklahoma – The Sooners are hitting their stride at the right time as Landry Jones will finally have a tough test against Manti Teo and the Irish defense.
8.       Oregon State – It’ll be a late nite Beaver hunt in Seattle this week as new QB Cody Vaz will try to outduel Washington’s Keith Price.
9.       Georgia – The Bulldogs meet the Gators in the game we’re not supposed to call a Cocktail party. Mark Richt might need a few Harvey Wallbangers after trying to shut down Mike Gilleslie.
10.   Mississippi State – Sure the Bulldogs have yet to beat a team with a pulse but unlike last season, the wins have been convincing. This week – at Alabama.
11.   Ohio State – I don’t understand how Ohio State being barred from postseason play makes them unfit to be ranked in the Coaches Poll. I also don’t understand how Braxton Miller gets hurt every week but is never really injured.
12.   South Carolina – The best two loss team in the nation. Tough to feel good after consecutive losses but with games against Tennessee, Arkansas and Wofford coming up, there’s still reason to smile.
13.   Texas Tech – I did not see this coming. Tech responded with a tough road win TCu saw them coming. Might we finally see the death of pirate flags at Jones Stadium?
14.   USC – Matt Barkley’s Heisman campaign is gaining steam after Geno Smith’s breakdown. The Trojans get one more tune up against Arizona before playing Oregon.
15.   Florida State – The joy of playing in the ACC is that is that if the Noles don’t completely shit the bed NC State style then they can roll into the season finale against Florida relatively unscathed. 
16.   Rutgers – Chop that wood. Its amazing Rutgers can still win games with Greg Schiano showing them how to dive at kneeling quarterbacks.
17.   Louisville – Charlie Strong’s stock is rising like a chubby girl at last call.
18.   Stanford – The Cardinal handed Jeff Tedford another rivalry loss, which may be his last as head coach.
19.   Clemson – A convincing win against Virginia Tech has Clemson looking good in the ACC but they’ll need another FSU loss to get to the ACC Championship.
20.   Texas A&M – Johnny Football wasn’t baller enough to avoid being tiger bait but I’ll admit he’s been impressive.
21.   Boise State – Not the typical Boise State bubble buster season but I like the new unis.
22.   Ohio – Fearless Frankie Solich has the boys beating every air conditioner school and clown college they line up against.
23.   West Virginia – West By God looks like they may have been forsaken by their savior. For now the couches stay safe.
24.   Michigan – Denard Robinson got a win against the Spartans by a shoelace. He should go wild against the defense formerly known as the Blackshirts.
25.   Nebraska – The Huskers do make it exciting. A second two-touchdown comeback in three weeks keeps Nebraska in the land of the living for now. 

Billshit!

If there's silver lining remaining on what has been a pretty subpar season it's that I'm pessimistic enough to stay away from gambling.

The one bet I laid down was that the Bills would someone come to their senses and mount an impressive showing against the 49ers. Giving away $50 worth in free shots is the perfect insult to the injury of giving up 624 yards and losing by 42.

This brings us to the Bills latest foible, a one-point loss to the Tennessee Titans. A one-point loss that could have been avoided had the Bills stopped the Titans backup quarterback from completing a 15-yard TD pass on fourth-and-9.

I'm not surprised. I'm not mad either. The Bills have shown me enough poor performances in my lifetime that I don't get my heart crushed when they fall apart. But it's starting to go from funny to irritating that the Bills defense has regressed to full futility.

Mario Williams and his $100 million tab have had an amazing impact as expected. But it’s been an entirely negative impact. Williams complains he’s banged up but the Bills assert that he’s healthy. His weekly whining even earned the Bills a fine from the league for not reporting his “injuries.”


From the Buffalo News:

“I need to play better. I need to get healthy, No. 1,” Williams said. “I can say this, and you can take it however you want to take it. It really don’t matter to me. I don’t care what you think."

Perhaps he’d feel more pressure to perform if his newly re-signed backup wasn’t better known for beating bisexual reality show hosts than he is for playing football.

But it’s Billshit. What did I expect.

National Lampoon's Racist Vacation

'Community' Star Drops the N-Word During Rant
tmz.com 

Not a racist, but he does play one on TV

Chevy Chase had another verbal outburst on the set of "Community" yesterday during filming, this time dropping the N-word during a rant about the direction of the show.

Sources on set tell TMZ ... Chase was complaining about the direction of his character, who he feels has grown increasingly bigoted as the years have gone on. We're told Chase was becoming uncomfortable with the material and was frustrated that his previous conversations about the writing had seemingly gone ignored.

According to our sources, Chase got so heated while discussing his character, he yelled out something along the lines of ... What's next? Am I gonna say the word ni**er?

We're told Chase apologized to the cast and crew for the comment, which was not directed at anyone in particular, certainly not the show's African-American cast members, Donald Glover and Yvette Nicole Brown.

Doesn’t it suck when you try to make a point about how much of a racist you aren’t and you end up looking like a racist? You got to feel for Chevy. He’s on a show that’s on its death rattle, playing a character that he seemingly hates. He’s comfortable playing the lovable goof but not the racist, xenophobic, old curmudgeon. That’s the breaks though. Should have tried harder on that talk show.

 BTW, I bet Louis CK is pissed at hell at that headline.

 

 

What Should I Be Writing?

I'd really like to see the blog become a blog/Craigslist type place, only because I got to believe people on backpage.com get a discount on the poon. Here are a list of potential ideas. Keep in mind it might just be one post a day. I have a steady drinking regimen to keep up.

Monday - Football Recap (I need to rub it in that your team lost and that you'll die alone).
Tuesday - RAW Recap (I need to remind you that I still watch wrestling and give that as potential excuse why I haven't been laid since George W left office.
Wednesday - Whatever I want (There's gotta be sonething going on. If not I'll make shit up. Did you hear that you knocked that chick up? I did.
Thursday - Wacky News (Some chick slept with a high school student this week. They always do).
Friday - Football Picks (You're gonna bet anyway. Wouldn't you like a shitty second opinion that's likely to cost you money if you take it?)
Other Ideas - The Backpage.com Girl of the Week - I mean, they're hookers. If they didn't want people judging their photos then they shouldn't be prostitutes. My ultimate goal is to have a BYB Pageant called Mrs. Backpage. This is all dependent on having Dez Bryant's mom as a judge.

Hefty Hefty Hefty

I promised my personal trainer I'd give him some traffic on the least popular website since Jerry Sandusky's amateur Sand Castle photography. I suppose I owe it to him since all he's done is cripple me for multiple days out of every week. For those of you still lifting weights in an old folks home, Cross Fit is the shit Paul Ryan does when he's not out breaking Usian Bolt's records and growing the widows peak in his hair. Think of this as the BYB's first commercial. Odessa Strong will whip your ass, hurt your body and give you a general sense of self respect. Even if you blow it by having sex with a 2 at the bar the next nite. So get your ass up there. There's a weight loss challenge going on in November and without your money I can't finance my trip to K$'s bachelor party.

This May Not Go Well

Yeah, I'm restarting the blog. I've got a new format. I know what you're saying. Format don't mean shit if you've got nothing to say. Where's your blog?

It ain't daily. It ain't weekly. She don't use butter. She don't use cheese. She don't use jelly or any of these. We use vaseline.

I'm still trying to figure this out but I assure you, I'll still have stories about women who cut their husbands wangs off, any story that makes Wes Welker look bad and any story that makes Kobe look good. I have my priciples.