Gone Bartending

Bartending again today. Here's a drinking song.

What’s Trendy?

Today’s top trending topic is a new HIV drug, Edurant, from Johnson & Johnson that is said to be able to stop the virus from reproducing.

It’s even said to be 83% effective at reducing viral levels, which is only 17% less effective than whatever the hell the government gave Magic Johnson and Tommy Morrison.

So it looks like we’re at least one step closer to the good old USA giving us the cure for AIDS that I’m pretty sure already exists.

Eventually we’ll get to see people just do this.

Frankly, I'd Rather Have My Skull Bashed In

I know a lot of Mavericks fans are upset today and I certainly understand that.

They’ve been waiting five years for a win in the NBA Finals and came up short last night but I know how they feel. I’ve been waiting two and a half months for Franklin and Bash and thus far I’ve gotten zilch. But that all ends tonight.

Tonight we embark upon a journey into TNT’s story of two devil may care lawyers that be about an accurate a depiction of the legal system as ‘Cop Rock’ was to law enforcement life.

The writing on the wall for this hackneyed show might as well have been scribbled on the back of the backboards during the NCAA Tourney when TNT first started inundating us with commercials for this bag of the same old occupational comedy crap with a 90’s teenybopper touch.

This show is doomed for a lot of reasons. In part because it’s going to suck but mainly because Mark Paul Gosselaar is on it. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Zack Morris. I still watch ‘Saved By the Bell’ and his appearance as a gay for pay porn star on ‘SVU’ was great but this guy’s nickname should officially be changed from “Preppy” to “The Sitcom Killer.”

He rode the elevator to the ratings basement on NYPD Blue and then followed that with failed series like ‘Over There,’ ‘Commander in Chief,’ and another legal show, ‘Raising the Bar.’

If Jessica Simpson is sexual napalm then Zack Morris is television anthrax. He may be sexual napalm too for all I know. He did just get a divorce.

And I’m not the only one ready to throw ‘Franklin and Bash’ to the dogs. TV critics from the Boston Globe and St. Louis Post Dispatch have already banged the gavel on this nonsense.

From the Boston Globe:

The fact that TNT has scheduled “Franklin & Bash’’ as the summer lead-in for one of its best series, “Men of a Certain Age,’’ is programming irony of the worst kind.

The new show celebrates the bratty, smarmy side of masculinity, with a pair of young lawyers who tirelessly remind us they are too cool for the room. “Men of a Certain Age,’’ meanwhile, is a light, poignant glimpse at the humanity lurking beneath the flatness of male cultural roles. Turn to TNT at 10 and save yourself the disruptive elevator ride from the bottom to the top.

I wish TNT would just do the sensible thing and give Charles Barkley a talk show. He would blow George Lopez’s ass out of the water. Of course he’s funny and Lopez is just a washed up comedian.

YouTube Video of the Day

You know just the other day I was lamenting that not enough collared shirts have pockets anymore and then this company goes out and raises the bar altogether. Not only do they include a pocket but it also keeps my beer cold? Sign me up!

And He's Still a Dick

Oddly enough, the hardest posts to fill on the blog are about celebrities. I know we think that at any given time there’s a sensational story about a drunk or high celeb hitting bottom but mostly it’s just TMZ falling them around doing nothing.

Then there’s Andy Dick. I could easily have a story once a week about Andy Dick getting drunk or high and sexually assaulting someone, male or female. He’s like the treasure trove of substance abuse and inappropriate touching.

I usually don’t even bother posting anything about him because it’s usually the same story over and over. Like this tale from 2010 that has pitted Dick in a legal battle with a male member of the audience at a show in Dallas. According to the man, Robert Tucker, Dick was wearing a dress during the bit and lifted the garment and rubbed his little Andy on Tucker.

Hey, I’m all for wang comedy but I think this guy has run the gag into the ground. What I don’t understand is why Tucker didn’t shove his fist down Andy Dick’s throat.

The guy weighs about a 105 and is constantly hammered on drugs. Sure, you might get tackled by security but you’d have a pretty good defense. He can’t just go around rubbing his junk on everyone.

Seriously though, why can’t Dr. Drew just keep this guy in a cage and study him? He’s like the ‘Outbreak’ monkey of celebrity screw ups.

Save A Horse, Ride A Broomstick

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I feel bad for these rodeo girls that they can’t get out in the dirt and show their stuff but I think riding a stick horse is about the most insanely idiotic things I’ve seen since Billy Madison tried to compare The Puppy Who Lost His Way to the Industrial Revolution.

Do you think the judges were just screwing with them? That’s got to be it because there’s no other excuse for making a competitor hop around with a painted broom between their legs like an ass.

Here’s hoping the horses get some equine Valtrex pretty quick and rejoin the circuit. It might also be a good ahead for the horses to stop having sex with this guy.

FML Moment of the Day

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

You Can't Beat the Rat Race at This Bar

Bar busted for running mouse races
By Mary Wisniewski/REUTERS

DES MOINES, Iowa - The owner of a tavern in a small town in the state of Iowa who said he ran mouse races on Sundays for fun, was cited by local police for allowing patrons to bet on the rodent running.

“It’s a blast,” said Scott Beach, 49, who ran the mouse races at the Bucktail Lodge in Danville. “The state’s taking the fun out of it.”

Bar patrons pick a mouse for a dollar, and whoever picks the winning mouse gets the payout, Scott Beach explained. He said the tavern made no money out of the betting.

The mice run on an eight-foot-long (2.4 meter) flat track, with each mouse racing in its own lane. Asked if he needed to put cheese at the end of the run to tempt the mice forward, Beach said, “No, they’re in their cages all day. They’re ready to run.”

He said he plays racing music for the mice, like “Wipe Out,” “Rawhide,” or George Jones’ “The Race is On.”

The Beaches held the mouse races for about two years, and then suspended them after most of the mice died. The deaths were not racing-related. The mice were accidentally left in the sun too long. The races were restarted with new mice about two and a half months ago, Beach said.

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I’m not going to go all PETA on this because I couldn’t give a mouse’s ass if mice are being mistreated but who would want to watch a bunch of mice run around a bar anyway.

How am I supposed to eat chicken wings and drink tap beer at a place that has vermin running loose around the joint? I’m by no means a germaphobe and the idea of it makes me want to gag.

I do have to give it to Beach for playing “The Race is On” though, that’s a great song choice. I would have also gone with “The Distance” by Cake or the Speed Racer theme.

P.S, - Maybe I’m wrong about this. I did think it was really funny when Peter Griffin played Gladiator Mice.

Wal Mart Person of the Day

He must have come up with some underboob loot.

White Straightjacket Comedy Tour

With only a handful of games remaining in the NBA Playoffs people are finally starting to come to grips with the prospect that the NBA will realistically join the NFL in having a talent lockout this offseason.

Players are starting to chirp about the prospect of a lockout and what the possible ramifications of such a labor move would be. Most of these guys don’t have a whole lot of other skills. I really don’t think Delonte West can substitute teach if there’s no season next year.

But don’t worry about Ron Artest. The fastly faltering forward and failed rap mogul has a backup plan for next season – comedy.

Artest is going to put on four dates of the “Ron Artest Ultimate Comedy Tour” at the Improv in L.A. this summer and said he could see it being a full-time career if the players are locked out next season.

You know, I bet he’d actually have some pretty funny bits about his therapy sessions but the real joke is on the Lakers who have no way of getting out of his contract.

If Ron does try his hand at comedy though, he needs someone to pattern himself after. Might I suggest the real gangsta of comedy, Gilbert Gottfried.