Don't Hassle the Hoff (or steal his signs)

WFSB 3 Connecticut

Sounds like this clerk is either overly dedicated to his job or he’s the biggest David Hasselhoff fan in the history of the world. It’s terrible that the victim is in critical condition over an event as trivial as this.

You think the Cumberland Farms could have just ordered a few extra signs. Putting a Hoff sign in front of your store is like tapping a keg at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. There’s no way it’s not getting taken.

But now you have some dummies who were almost assuredly drunk or high facing some stiff charges all because they were dumb enough to drag a clerk behind their car.

Of course, if the thieves would have been driving Kip then he would have shut off the engine, foiling the getaway and protecting the driver but unfortunately, Kip isn’t real.

P.S. - Kind of reminds me of the mailbox shootout from Dazed and Confused.

Ear Aches and Cottonmouth Do Not Mix

Officials: Little known locally about earwax marijuana

By Marie F. Estrada/Times-Herald staff writer

Two minutes after taking a five-second hit from a vaporizer, Josh felt the effects of the earwax marijuana rushing over him.

"I felt like I was gonna die," the 17-year-old recalled. "The movie we were watching started to look 3-D. I kept seeing lights."

What the others in the group Josh was with had failed to tell him when they offered the drug to him, was that earwax marijuana can include up to 90 percent THC.

In short, it's highly hallucinogenic. And, knowledgeable sources say, it can be very dangerous to certain people.

Officials on Solano County's Alcohol and Drug Advisory board, say they know little about earwax marijuana -- its nickname derived from its appearance -- or its potential dangers.

The night Josh was under the drug's influence, someone telephoned Rhonda, Josh's grandmother. She picked him up and drove him to the hospital -- where his hands were handcuffed to the bed rails and he was later arrested. 

(Josh and Rhonda agreed to be interviewed for this article under the condition that certain details of Josh's experience the night he tried earwax be excluded.)

The effects of the drug didn't end with Josh's arrest. The earwax was so intense that Josh's high lasted three days, all of which he spent in juvenile hall.

A year of probation and $7,000 in fines later, Josh is just beginning to get over the experience.

Despite this, most teenagers are unaware that a high THC content in their bodies can have short- and long-lasting detrimental effects on their bodies and their lives.

Christie DeClue, a Solano County Alcohol and Drug Advisory board member, said marijuana has come a long way from the days of hippies and disco.

"In the 1970s, (people) were primarily smoking the leaves of the plant," DeClue said "Now users are smoking (the more potent) buds of the plant."

What disturbed Rhonda the most was not that the earwax exists -- but that the recipes are so easy to find -- and not one video explains the high THC content or potential risks.

Donald Poston, Josh's former counselor, said the substance is fairly easy to make, but can be incredibly dangerous.

"The earwax is made with aerosol butane and the resin of the leaves and buds of the female plants. The result is a yellow-green waxy material," Poston said.

A substance abuse counselor for Youth and Family Services of Solano County in Fairfield, Poston said Josh was the first person he met who had tried the drug.

Since then, it has been coming up more in group meetings with other juveniles.

The consensus? It is too strong.

On June 17, CBS Detroit reported two people have been sent to the hospital in Detroit after using earwax.
In the article, reporter Sandra McNeill wrote the two 36-year-olds -- both medical marijuana patients -- suffered episodes of psychosis.

Sorry for the long story but that was quite an interesting read.

Who are the scientists toiling away in the lab coming up with different potent strains of marijuana? Don’t get me wrong, I believe there’s nothing wrong with dope or medicinal marijuana being legal but if the geniuses who were coming up with earwax marijuana plied their trade a bit better then we might have a cure for cancer instead of stronger weed to ease the symptoms with.

And what is up with kids these days? Is weed and booze just not good enough anymore? Now they have to dip their weed in ear wax and get so bombed that they lose their freaking minds for half a week. Between bath salts, meth and earwax weed I think the youth of the nation might be permanently checking out, aside from momentarily dipping back into consciousness to watch Miley Cyrus twerk.

What will they come up with next? My bet is on dingleberry acid.

P.S. - My mind is working overtime to think what that kid could have done that was so embarrassing that the writer agreed not to print in. I'm guessing it wasn't as cool as shouting "I'm a golden god" on a rooftop. I'm guessing he just shit his pants.

Fork: Australian for Sex Toy

Man, 70, gets fork stuck in penis

By QMI Agency

An elderly Australian man ended up in hospital after he jammed an entire 10 cm fork inside his penis for "sexual gratification."

The bizarre medical emergency at Canberra Hospital was outlined in a paper in the International Journal of Surgery Case Reports.

"A 70-year-old man presents to the emergency department with a bleeding urethral meatus following self-insertion of a fork into the urethra to achieve sexual gratification. Multiple retrieval methods were contemplated with success achieved via forceps traction and copious lubrication," the paper reads.

The paper goes on to muse on the "immemorial" problem of men getting things stuck in their penises. "The practice manifests primarily during states of pathological masturbation, substance abuse and intoxication and as a result of psychological compounders. Autoerotic stimulation with the aid of self-inserted urethral foreign bodies has been existent since time immemorial and have presented an unusual but known presentation to urologists."

Despite this surprisingly well-documented problem, the authors note that: "the case ... of a penile urethral fork is a rarity."

This is what happens when you’re too broke to buy Levitra. Instead of sitting in his and hers outdoor bathtubs and watching the sunset with your silver haired angel of a wife you end up jamming a fork in your peephole to get yourself going.

The physician breakdown of how men end up getting things stuck in their urethras is so insightful. By stating that this happens during “states of pathological masturbation, substance abuse and intoxication and as a result of psychological compounders” the Australian doctors are actually saying that you have to either be constantly horny, drunk or high off your ass or just plain crazy to go jamming things in your johnson.

I just hope when this geezer strolled in they said, “That’s not a fork. This is a fork!”

But who am I to judge some ancient Aussie? As the old refrain tells us:

“The world don't move to the beat of just one drum.
What might be right for you, may not be right for some.
Cause it takes,
Diff'rent strokes to move the world,
yes it does.
It takes,
Diff'rent strokes to move the world!”

Unfortunately this guy probably won’t be making any different strokes down under anytime soon.

They Didn't Buy A Zoo!

Chinese zoo tried to pass off dog as lion 

Taylor Bigler/Daily Caller

A zoo in China tried — and failed — to pull one over on its visitors by trying to pass off a Tibetan mastiff as an “African lion.” They could have gotten away with it if only the dog had started roaring instead of barking. 

The People’s Park of Luohe in the Henan province put an employee’s fluffy dog into the cage marked “African lion” because the lion had been shipped to a breeding facility, Beijing Youth Daily reports, via FoxNews.com. 

A mother was pointing out different species of animals to her son when she realized that the “lion” was actually making the sound a dog makes. But the mastiff wasn’t the only pet the zoo tried to pass off as wildlife. 

They also caged ”two coypu rodents in a snake’s cage, a white fox in a leopard’s den, and another dog in a wolf pen.”

 “The zoo is absolutely cheating us,” a visitor told the Chinese paper. “They are trying to disguise the dogs as lions.” 

People probably wouldn’t have been so mad about the whole thing had the zoo just marked the cage Tibetan mastiff, because those dogs are perhaps even more adorable than lions. 

Get Rich Quick Scheme #414 found! There are all these new people in Odessa and Midland with no new entertainment venues being added and a lot of these people have snot nosed brats too! What are these people craving? A zoo!

I’ll just start adopting pets from shelters or stealing them out of people’s yards/houses and then I’ll put them on display in some parking lot. Why wouldn’t they give me a license for that? They let people sell disgusting blankets with sports team logos that mean nothing to most people in West Texas or cantaloupes.

Heck, I could even glue wings to a few stray cats and claim I genetically mutated a new species of animal. All I need is a lab coat to sell that story.

This idea is just chocked full of opportunities. P.S. – I think that’s the lion that was hiding out in my buddy’s yard. See the Group Text Moment of the Day Tuesday and Wednesday for the inside joke.

Cougar Kids Stalk Nashville

Speck, Hud Mellencamp face felony battery charges

By Laura Lane/heraldtimesonline.com

Rock star John Mellencamp’s two teenaged sons face felony battery charges stemming from a July incident during which police say they punched and kicked a 19-year-old man they assaulted on his front porch. The fight left the man with facial fractures and cuts that required stitches.

Speck Mellencamp, 18, 870 S. Woodscrest Drive, and 19-year-old Hud Mellencamp, who gave police an address on Lower Schnooner Road in Nashville, each face a charge of battery resulting in serious bodily injury. The charges were approved Thursday by Monroe Circuit Judge Marc Kellams.

Bond was set at $5,000 surety and $500 cash.

Monroe County Chief Deputy Prosecutor Bob Miller said arrangements are being made for the Mellencamps to turn themselves over to police.

Ty Smith, 19, 3330 S. Spring Branch Road, a friend of the Mellencamps, also was charged with felony battery for his alleged part in the incident. He is the son of Indiana University baseball coach Tracy Smith, and is an IU football team freshman walk-on.

Smith turned himself in at the Monroe County Jail at 5 p.m. Thursday. He was released from the jail at 7:19 p.m. after posting a $5,000 surety, $500 cash bond, according to jail records.

According to a report from BPD Detective Rick Crussen, the man who was injured had been sitting on his front porch with two friends when the Mellencamps and Smith walked up the steps. He said he asked them what they wanted, then was struck in the face by Speck Mellencamp.

After that, “he began being punched, kicked and stomped by Speck Mellencamp and the other two males. They have been identified as Hud Mellencamp and Ty Smith,” the probable-cause affidavit in the case states.

Three roommates inside the house heard the commotion, ran outside and pulled the three assailants off the man. The man said that as he stood up, Speck Mellencamp knocked him backward off the porch, a drop of several feet. The man said Speck Mellencamp continued punching with his fists until one of the roommates intervened. Witnesses said the Mellencamps and Smith then ran from the scene.

They also reported that the three did not say anything, striking without warning. People who were there confirmed that the three hit and kicked the man while he was down on the ground.

Hud Mellencamp is a trained boxer whose bouts have been reported on in The Herald-Times. The Mellencamps told police the fight was in response to Speck Mellencamp being hit in the face at a party at the house earlier that night.

Speck Mellencamp said he had tried to stop a dispute between two girls who were fighting over him and was pushed and hit by a man. He was upset by the incident and not thinking straight, he said, when he returned to the house with his brother and Smith.

During a June 5 appearance on the “Late Show” with writer Stephen King, John Mellencamp explained his black eye, pinning it on his 18-year-old son. “My son and I had words and he got a punch in and I didn’t,” he said.

"Little ditty about Speck and the Hud man
2 American kids breaking faces with their hands
Speck’s gonna beat you and leave scars
Hud will run over your legs with his daddy’s car
Oh yeah life goes on
Long after the thrill of the beatin’ is gone
Say, Oh yeah life goes on
Long after the blood on the porch is gone."

Seriously, don’t name your kids Speck and Hud or some fat blogger will ridicule them without benefit of the doubt. With names like that you have to know these kids are douchebags.

Arrested R You

Lisa Ann O'Neill: Woman gave teen boy oral sex in Toys R Us parking lot, deputies say 

wpbf.com

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. —A married West Palm Beach woman faces numerous charges after deputies said she had an ongoing affair with a teen boy, WPBF.com has learned. Lisa Ann O'Neill, 41, was arrested Wednesday after deputies said the teen boy detailed various sex acts he allegedly engaged in with O'Neill over a period of about a year. 

The boy said last month that he began exchanging text messages "about sexual stuff" with O'Neill in June 2012, according to the arrest report written by the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office. He also said O'Neill had a party at her home in September, during which she gave him several beers. 

After the party, O'Neill texted him and asked him to come back over, and that's when she gave him oral sex and they had intercourse for the first time together, the report said. 

A few days later, the boy said he asked her to send him "some photos of her body, and she sent him photos of her breast and vagina," according to the report. 

O'Neill continued to send such photos to the boy via text message, and the pair continued to meet for sex, the report said. 

The last encounter was in May, when the boy said O'Neill sent him a text asking him to meet at the closed-down Toys R Us store on U.S. 441, near Southern Boulevard. 

According to the report, the woman gave the boy oral sex in the car. 

Lisa Ann O’Neill, don’t you know the rules about borderline pedophilia?

The rule is if a man does it then it’s always wrong and if a woman does it then it’s ALMOST always awesome. Lisa, you fall into the small exception that is not awesome. You see, you’re just plain grotesque.

That means you should be locked under the prison, never to return. So learn to control your urges or get vast amounts of plastic surgery. Those are really your only two options.

By the way, those photos should be burned or used as in place of venereal disease photos as an abstinence tool.

Put Me in Coach...Or I'll Bite Your Face Off!

Well there are only two things that could have gone on in this situation. Either Western Pennsylvania is about to wade through its own type of Sandusky scandal or Jim Wildman should have put Uncle Rico back in the game in 82.

There’s only two reasons to bite your former high school football coach so badly that he needs 60 stitches – 1) he molested you in the shower in front of a red headed guy or 2) you’re a complete lunatic that has fixated so much on a failed high school football career that you have nothing to lose by nearly killing a 66-year-old mean with your teeth.

There’s no middle ground there. Joseph K. Koscinski is either an emotionally destroyed victim or needs to spend the rest of his life in an insane asylum. I’m sure it would look something like this.



Click here for more about the story, you know, if reading about coaches getting bit is your thing.

Come See the Sadistic Side of Sears

50 Shades of Sears?

Department store pulls men's bondage gear from website after customer complaints. . . but women's leather lingerie is still available   

By Catherine Townsend/Daily Mail

Sears has pulled bondage gear from its website after an image of a man wearing a leather harness was widely circulated online. 

Some customers were shocked that the retail chain best known for auto parts and appliances featured erotic accessories on its Elegant Moments page. 

But many of the raciest items for men - including the leather collar with chains ($17.59) and the 4 Piece Adjustable Harness ($55.99) - have been removed from the website. Others were disappearing at a rapid rate at press time. 

The items were being sold through Sears's marketplace, which allows online shoppers to order online from additional vendors. 

The Marketplace has edited questionable items in the past: In 2012 the company took down a link to another Elegant moments lingerie set with a see-through pink mesh top.

'The terms on our Marketplace prohibit images from displaying nudity and see-through clothing. Most often, we see third party sellers blocking out the nudity in the images,' a Sears spokesperson explained at the time.

'We perform ad-hoc content audits to remove inappropriate items and also take customer feedback and react very quickly.'

It remains unclear why some of the men's items that don't technically show nudity such as the collars and leather and mesh shorts ($21.59) have been removed, while leather G-strings, corsets, and sexy costumes for women remain available.

Whatever happened to seeing the softer side of Sears? I guess getting softer means trading in a chainsaw for nipple clamps. Sears should probably take a look into revamping the entire Marketplace concept.

I’m sure there’s a time and place for purchasing S&M gear. I’m just betting its 2 a.m. from adamandeve.com or from that weird porno shop on the rough side of town, not at the more than century old retailed known for tools and lawn mowers. Of course I’m sure there are some S&M tools more powerful than anything they have in Hardware or Lawn & Garden.

It’s a good thing this was just limited to online merchandise. Imagine some poor old man stumbling into a Sears looking for a gallon of paint and a hedge trimmer and leaving head to toe in leather with a ball gag in his mouth. Just imagine if they sold pets. They’d be out of gerbils in a week.

COPping A Feel

Local mom calls 911 on detective: 'The guy just dropped his pants'

By Ian Forrest/KPTV.com

An Oregon State Police detective has been caught having sex with a prostitute while he was on duty, according to police.

A 911 call on Tuesday at 2:30 p.m. reported a man and woman engaging in a sex act in the bushes off Southeast Johnson Creek Boulevard near 77th Court.

The woman who called 911 told Fox 12 she was at home with her daycare kids when she saw a man and woman walk into the empty lot across the street. That's when her 16-year-old son said, "Mom, the guy just dropped his pants."

"And I'm like, what? No," said Jennifer Stone.

Clackamas County deputies responded and made contact with the two suspects while they were still in the bushes.

Police said Detective Richard Narvaez met the woman in a nearby parking lot.

Narvaez, who is assigned as a detective to the Tribal Gaming Section in Salem, was on duty at the time but not in uniform. He was cited on a charge of patronizing a prostitute and public indecency, and has since been put on unpaid suspension leave pending the investigation.

Police said 32-year-old Tiffany Smith, of Portland, was arrested on charges of outstanding probation violation warrants, public indecency and prostitution.

Stone said she's just glad the neighborhood children didn't see what happened.

"I think it's disgusting," she said. "I think it's stupid. Being in that profession, why would you screw up like this?"

I didn’t even think cops got in trouble for stuff like this. I guess I’ve seen it so many times on movies and TV that it just seemed like it was overlooked when it happened. Of course when TV and movie cops hump they generally wait until night, not 2:30 p.m. on a walking trail.

But what is a cop supposed to do when some vivacious hooker offers him a discount plow in the middle of the afternoon? He’s just got to channel his inner McNulty and hope for the best. Prudes like Jennifer Stone be damned.

Judge, Jury and Featured Dancer

Strip Club Petitions High Court to Hear Tax Case

By Jacob Gershman/Wall Street Journal

With the help of a leading First Amendment litigator, an upstate New York strip club is asking the U.S. Supreme Court to decide whether it’s entitled to the same sales-tax exemptions granted to ballets and opera houses.

Albany-area strip club called Nite Moves is challenging the state’s sales-tax policy on constitutional grounds. It’s filed a petition with the Supreme Court seeking to overturn a ruling by the state’s highest court last year.

The issue is whether the club’s cover charge and three-minute lap dances should be subject to an 8% sales tax. The club argues that the same tax code that exempts “dramatic or musical art performances,” should also apply to strip-club performances, accusing the state of acting as a dance critic.

State attorneys have argued that the nude dancers at Nite Moves aren’t “engaged in a genuine choreographic dance performance.” The New York Court of Appeals ruled against Nite Moves in a 4-to-3 decision in October.

Nite Moves CFO Stephen Dick told Law Blog that he realizes the odds are long on the Supreme Court agreeing to hear the case at all. “But we believe our case has as much merit and is as important to free speech nationally as any other that we will be petitioning the court in the next session,” he said.

Well this is what happens when good men like Elliott Spitzer get run out of government.

What a bunch elitists they’ve got in the state government in New York. Sitting in their ivory towers and enjoying the “genuine choreographic dance” over at the ballet. I guess Joe Six Pack doesn’t deserve entertainment.

What’s more genuinely choreographed than some lass doing the batman on your face? I challenge these stuff shirts in Albany to check out the lunch buffet at Nite Moves and see if they don’t come away with a different point of view.

At least the Supreme Court can be counted on to make sure freedom of speech and artistic expression will be help up, unlike some g strings which will be pulled down. Clarence Thomas is probably wetting his lips right now. Anita Bryant never won glass heels.



Now that is some fine choreographic dance.

Now Welcome Racist Clerk!

OPRAH GETS SWISS APOLOGY FOR RACIST ENCOUNTER

Associated Press

GENEVA (AP) — Talk show host Oprah Winfrey says she encountered racism while shopping in Switzerland — and the national tourism office agrees.

The media mogul, who is one of the world's richest women, told the U.S. program "Entertainment Tonight" that a shop assistant in Zurich refused to show her a handbag because it was "too expensive" for her.
Forbes magazine estimates that Winfrey earned $77 million in the year ending in June.

A spokeswoman for the Swiss tourism office, Daniela Baer, told The Associated Press on Friday "we are very sorry for what happened to her."

The tourism office also posted an apology on Twitter, saying "this person acted terribly wrong."

Winfrey was in town to attend last month's wedding of longtime pal Tina Turner, who lives in Switzerland.

Let’s get something straight. The type of experience Oprah Winfrey had at this Zurich shop is not atypical of the experience that many black people have when shopping in expensive stores. It’s downright awful that this type of behavior and the thought that provokes it still exists.

But what I found disturbing is that Switzerland has to apologize for one racist clerk. It seems odd that a country with more than 8 million citizens has to apologize for the racist action of one.

I’m sure Jackie Chan has had someone make slanty eyes at him or laugh at his pronunciations a few times since he got to L.A. I don’t remember the U.S. Tourism Board issuing any mea culpas to him.

Let’s just chalk this one up to one dumbass clerk. If it happens again we’ll have Tina Turner whip some Swiss ass. You better be good to her. Or Oprah can have this jag on her show and make him look like an ass like she did the Million Little Pieces guy.

I'm NOT Loving It!

Bizarre incident at McDonald’s drive-thru leads to woman being charged

By Edward Marshall/ journal-news.net

MARTINSBURG - A bizarre incident at a McDonald's drive-thru in Martinsburg involving a bare-breasted woman and caramel led to the woman being arraigned Friday on warrants charging her with indecent exposure and providing false information to a police officer.

Sarah Lee Linaburg, 32, of Evans Run Drive, Martinsburg, was later released from custody after posting $6,000 bail.

According to court records a McDonald’s employee called 911 and asked to speak with law enforcement about an incident that occurred at the drive-thru window. The employee told police that while working at the drive-thru window, a man driving a purple Chrysler 300 pulled up to the window and ordered food.

After paying for the food, the man asked the employee for an extra cup of caramel for his coffee. When she handed the driver a cup of caramel, a woman in the vehicle's passenger seat took her shirt off while the driver put the caramel on her chest, records show.

The driver allegedly licked the caramel off her before driving away, records show.

The employee provided police with the vehicle's license plate number, and a trooper reviewed surveillance video footage of the drive-thru. Police couldn't identify the driver and the surveillance video footage didn't capture what occurred in the vehicle, records show.

The address listed on the vehicle's registration was traced back to Linaburg's home.

The next morning, troopers saw a purple Chrysler 300 in the driveway of the residence. The license plate number matched the one provided to police by the McDonald's employee, records show.

Linaburg told police the car was hers, but claimed she was at home sleeping when the alleged incident occurred. Police obtained a picture of her and returned to the McDonald's, where the employee who reported the incident identified the woman in the photo as the same woman she saw at the drive-thru window the previous night. 

Not the real cop car. Just a cop at another McDonald's for dramatic effect

When I think of McDonald’s I think two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. I don’t think of caramel covered breasts. It would be one thing if these nuts tried this at Burger King. At least over there you can have it your way but not a Mickey D’s.

Having caramel licked off your boobs in a McDonald’s drive thru isn’t my idea of romance but there’s some off folks out there. All in all, think ranks pretty low in the world of McDonald’s related crime, coming well below telephone instructed sexual assault and World Star.com worthy fights.

The quick arrest of Ms. Linaburg was surprising, considering the police have been unable to capture the Hamburglar, who has been a fugitive from the law for four decades.

If Linaburg was smart she would have just spilled the coffee on herself and turned this bad act into a money making venture.

What A Croc: Shoeless Sot Apprehended

Man runs off without Crocs, wets pants after break-in attempt, deputies say

By Brett Clarkson, Sun Sentinel

Dominick Andrew Giordano ran off without his Crocs and his bladder-control skills, deputies said.

The 32-year-old West Boca man apparently urinated himself after he tried and failed to break into another man's truck, then tried to flee, according to a Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office arrest report.

The reports lays out the allegations against Giordano:

At about 12:15 p.m. Monday, a West Boca couple stopped at the Chipotle at 9930 Glades Road.
While their Toyota Tundra pick-up truck was parked, a man later identified as Giordano tried to open the vehicle's door.

The driver, a 53-year-old West Delray man, yelled at Giordano, who took off running south.
Giordano's black Croc shoes fell off and he left them at the scene. He kept running to a nearby Discount Shoe Warehouse.

A deputy arrived to find Giordano walking out of the shoe store, barefoot and clutching a bag of new sneakers.

Giordano was told to sit on the sidewalk. At this point, the deputy noticed a liquid stream soaking his pant leg and from Giordano's breath, an "overwhelmingly strong smell of alcohol."

"While looking at the suspect it appeared that he may have urinated himself as there was a steady wet stream line running down his right pant leg," the deputy wrote in his report.

Giordano offered an explanation, according to the report. He said he thought the Toyota Tundra was his because he "used to have a truck."

At one point, Giordano also apologized and said, "man, I thought that was my buddy's truck," deputies said.

Here’s a good rule of thumb. If you can’t break into a house without pissing yourself then you might not be cut out for the other side of the law.





If there’s one thing that makes a good cat burglar its stealth movements and quick getaways.  Soaking your britches during a robbery attempt and losing your shoes in the ensuing getaway won’t get you cast in Ocean’s 14.

Plus, when you lose your shoes during a crime, don’t you think the cops would think first to check nearby shoe stores? Unless your feet are extremely sensitive, shoes can wait.

Perhaps I am a being a bit too hard on Giordano. When you’re literally piss drunk at Noon at a Chipotle a lot of bad ideas are going to start making sense. Drunk and shoeless is no way to go through life son.

Put This Handlebar Handler Behind Bars!

Swedish cops hunt bike vandal who slashes tires then pleasures himself all over the saddle

NY Daily News

Joyriding now has a whole new meaning

Cops are hunting a creep who slashes bike tires before sitting down and pleasuring himself.

The mischief maker was caught on camera carrying out his dirty deed after Swedish cyclist Per Edstrom got fed up with the repeated vandalism to his ride.

Setting up a security camera outside his Ostersund home, Edstrom was shocked to see the hooded hoodlum carrying out the sex act astride his wheels, reports Road.cc.

He uploaded the footage to YouTube on Monday and it's already been seen more than 65,000 times.

Edstrom, however, revealed he wasn't angry about the seedy rendezvous with his beloved velo.

Instead, he just wants to stop his tires from being slashed in the future.

"I am not scared of him, just irritated over all the punctures I have had to fix," he told The Local. "This man is probably completely harmless, bicycles are just his thing."

This pecker on pedal violence has to stop. Something must be done. As you may have read here first last week there is a growing epidemic of bicycle related public masturbation that was first spotted at the University of Michigan.

Within a week it has spread to Sweden and is traumatizing bike riders across the pond.

While I do not know how to ride a bike I understand it is the primary form of transportation for many and thus, I’d like to use this blog to help stop this problem.

The story about is the epitome of insult to injury. This monster has already slashed for poor dude’s tires. Now he has to crawl on and have a good on top of his bike? That’s mental.

While I admire Per Edstrom’s forgiving nature, these spoke spankers have to be stopped. 

Wisconsin Man Pleads Guilty To Couch Sex

Perp was caught in illicit tryst with discarded love seat

thesmokinggun.com

A man who was caught last year having sex with a couch discarded on a Wisconsin street pleaded guilty this afternoon to a public lewdness charge.

During a hearing in Waukesha County Circuit Court, Gerard Streator, 47, copped to a misdemeanor charge stemming from September’s illicit curbside encounter.

According to a criminal complaint sworn by a Waukesha City Police Department officer, Streator’s 11 PM furniture tryst was interrupted by an off-duty cop out jogging. Officer Ryan Edwards reported spotting “a subject leaning over the couch facing down and it looked like he was having sexual relations with someone on the couch.” Edwards added that he “could see the male’s hips thrusting up and down on the couch.”

When Edwards approached and yelled, “What are you doing?,” Streator dismounted the love seat and ran away. As the suspect fled, Edwards reported, he “could see that the defendant’s penis was erect.”

The officer concluded that Streator--who was alone--“had been thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.”



The idea of some derelict in Wisconsin getting some couch cooch isn’t all that surprising to me but the fact that he did it in front of God and everyone on the side of the road is going a bit too far.

Off duty cops should be able to get a quick jog in without having to pry some wino’s crotch off a cushion.

Aside from the obvious public nuisance angle, imagine the germ farm that exists on those cushions. You’ve probably got the love pudding of all the neighborhood hobos mixed with whatever trash, needles, toxins, etc. are thrown on it by the public. That doesn’t even take into account what the original couch owner contributed.

This type of behavior can’t be allowed. I think Mac and the Guardian Angels need to get involved.

Key Party Meets Lock In

Kids play centre allegedly used for sex parties

By QMI Agency

Parents in Cranbourne, Australia, are angry after a children's play centre was allegedly used for sex parties.

Over the weekend, parents say they discovered advertisements for swingers to attend a party at a location featuring "a laser light show, fog machine, giant ball pit and jumping castle," the Melbourne Herald Sun reported.

The angry parents gathered at Casey Kids Play House demanding answers, the paper reported.
One mother told the Herald Sun she'd hosted a party for her children's birthdays at the facility.

"We're worried about what they could have been exposed to," Stacey Derks told the paper.

The City of Cranbourne is investigating.



What a bunch of uptight parents. I’m sure the organizers of the orgy planned to do a full scale, Aaron Hernandez style cleanup on this place before the kids showed back up. At the least, they probably would have wiped down most of the toys with Purel.

In a time of recession society shouldn’t be punishing idea makers who are finding new uses for under-utilized spaces.

Plus, this is a great idea. Imagine the fun. Have a threesome and then play some skeeball. Do some couples swinging and then play in a real swing. Sounds like a blast!

Of course, I’d probably end up just drinking and playing wack-a-mole and that’s not a euphemism.

Just the Mushroom Tip

Police: Man high on mushrooms rips off part of penis

Tammy Stables Battaglia, Detroit Free Press

DETROIT -- A 41-year-old Columbus, Ohio, man is recovering after police say he ripped off part of his penis on a drug-fueled high in Ypsilanti Township, Mich.

Washtenaw County Sheriff's deputies found the man naked and screaming after responding to a burglar alarm at Ypsilanti Middle School about 1 a.m. last Tuesday, Sgt. Geoff Fox said Monday.

The man was kneeling outside the school, bloody from the waist down, with parts of his genitals ripped off, Fox said. He said parts of the man's body were transferred to the hospital with him.

Officers subdued the man for his own safety and called for an ambulance.

"He really wasn't saying much at all — a lot of yelling and screaming," Fox said, adding the man had broken a window to the school but didn't take anything. "He wasn't making sense. They couldn't really communicate with him in terms of constructive conversation."

The man later told investigators he picked up hallucinogenic mushrooms earlier in the day while he was in town visiting friends in a neighborhood near the school. The man does not have a history of mental problems or extensive drug use, Fox said.

"We've sent his blood off for further analysis to see if there was anything else, if the mushrooms could have been laced with something," Fox said, adding that toxicology results are pending.

Ypsilanti Township resident Brandon Simmons, 30, who often cuts through the middle-school yard while walking to and from his nearby apartment, said he was concerned about the man's recovery.

"I don't even know what to say — it sounds painful," Simmons said Monday. "Is he still alive? My prayers go out to him, and I hope he's going to make it. Wow?….I'm at a loss for words."



Take that bath salts! You make people into zombies? Well, mushrooms are back and now they make people rip off their junk!

I’ve never done mushrooms or bath salts so I can’t really speak to the types of high associated with drugs like that but I can’t imagine any drug blasting your mind so bad that you think your member needs to be, well, dismembered.

If the government was smart they’d get rid of those stupid commercials where cartoon dogs chastise cartoon pothead kids and plan an entire campaign around this dude. That would turn some heads at the next assembly, eh?

You wanna ditch class and smoke doobies? Well, prepare to pull your junk off and nearly die behind this school in about 20 years because that’s the door you’ve opened kid. It's the new version of living in a van down by the river.

Every Dirty Kiss Begins with Kay and Ends With Cancer

REVEALED AT LAST: HOW MICHAEL DOUGLAS MADE NICE WITH IRATE WIFEY ZETA-JONES

By MIKE WALKER/National Enquirer

That “oral sex” bombshell dropped by Michael Douglas keeps on costing the embattled star – especially at home!

In last week’s analysis of shockwaves generated when he blurted that his throat cancer “is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus,” I told My Readers: “Jaws dropped all over Hollywood!...First reaction from everyone was, ‘Ohmigod, poor Catherine Zeta-Jones. How will his wife handle the obvious questions?’”

Here’s my deadline scoop, folks, revealed by a friend of Mrs. Douglas, who said: “Catherine was furious and mortified when news broke worldwide that her husband had blurted to an interviewer that his cancer was caused by HPV transmitted by oral sex. Michael immediately launched into a frenzy of apologies to his horrified wife, and desperately tried to backpedal on his statement, but the damage was done – the whole world was speculating on whether Catherine also had the virus! And nothing Michael could do would stop the whispers.”

Here’s My Kicker: Feeling miserable about embarrassing his beloved wife – who’s suffered and been hospitalized with her own issues lately – the “Behind the Candelabra” star knew apologies would never be enough, so he quietly ducked into famed jeweler Harry Winston’s in Manhattan and bought her an “I’m sooo sorry” gift – a stunning platinum diamond lariat necklace. Price tag: $40,000.(Can’t hurt, pal. Good luck!)

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This answered the very first question I had when Michael Douglas first let this cat out of the bag – how is he going to get out of this one?

It’s hard to come back from talking openly about your sex life in public – especially when the candid admission is how your wife’s vagina almost killed you.

The solution? Jewelry, of course. The jeweler probably has a chart with prices for husbandly indiscretions. Now the Michael Douglas will be up on the board situated somewhere behind the Kobe Bryant. 

Match Made in Hell

Florida Man Beaten, Robbed, Stripped Naked on First Date

By Daniel Arkin, Staff Writer, NBC News

A Florida man was beaten, robbed, forced to strip naked and abandoned on the side of a road Friday evening during a first date gone horribly wrong, according to police.

Authorities found nude, bloodied Shaun Paul Williams, 34, walking on the shoulder of State Road 100 in Bunnell, Fla., late Friday near a cow pasture where Williams said he was assaulted and mugged by his date and her two unidentified male companions earlier that evening, according to a Flagler County Sheriff’s Office case report.

Williams told sheriff’s deputies that he met the unidentified woman at a convenience store in Daytona Beach, Fla., two weeks ago. They struck up a friendship and later arranged to go out on June 14, according to the report. The woman picked up Williams in front of the same convenience store for their first date Friday evening. 

After Williams entered the woman’s vehicle, he discovered two unidentified adult men – one of whom the woman introduced as her brother, the report states. She told Williams that she would take him out to dinner after she dropped off the two unidentified men at her brother’s home. 

But after several minutes on the road, the woman abruptly turned onto an unknown side street, Williams told investigators. The woman’s alleged brother instructed her to stop somewhere along the side street because he had to “wait for a friend.” 

She then backed into what Williams described to investigators as an “empty cow pasture.” Williams told investigators that he then exited the vehicle to urinate but was allegedly bludgeoned twice in the face with a “hard metal object.” 

He collapsed to the ground and held his face in his hands while one of the unidentified men allegedly said, “Give me all your money and all your clothes.” 

Williams told police he said, “Are you serious?” 

One of the unidentified men allegedly responded, “Do you see what I’ve got pointed at you?”

Williams said he then opened his eyes and saw a semi-automatic pistol pointed straight at his face, according to the report. After Williams complied with their orders, the woman and her two male companions then fled the scene in the vehicle, according to the report. 

All told, Williams claimed he was robbed of $200 in cash, a Straight Talk pre-paid cellular phone, his Florida driver’s license, a gray tank top, black Dickie shorts and a pair of DC sneakers. 

A sheriff’s deputy who discovered a “disoriented” Williams took him to a hospital, where he was treated for several lacerations on the right side of his face, according to the case report. Flagler County Sheriff’s Office investigators are working to identify and pursue the three suspects, authorities said.

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This has to be the F My Life moment of the century. I've actually considered online dating but with my luck this would be the inevitable result for me.

I can just imagine this guy’s facial expressions changing throughout the experience. He starts off with the anxious energy from the prospect of getting laid and ends up thoroughly destroyed and humiliated.

Man, I’m nervous. I may get some action tonight. Here’s the car she described. Who are those two big guys in the back seat? Oh, we’re just dropping them off? Not to worry, they’ll be gone soon. Wait, why are we turning down a dirt road? Owww! What the Hell was that? Take off my what? Shit, I just got robbed and I’m naked on the side of the road.


Good rule of thumb – when your date wants to pick you up in a gas station parking lot, you may be in for a rough night.

Quit Horsing Around

Man fined after 54 people crammed into rodeo-bound horse trailer: Cops

By Jennifer O'Brien, QMI Agency

LONDON, Ont. — A southern Ontario man must pay a $110 fine for allegedly cramming 54 people into a horse trailer to take them to a rodeo.

"It was like that old Volkswagen Beetle thing, with one (clown) in the glove box," Const. Kees Wijnands of the Ontario Provincial Police said.

"It was kind of comical, but this is of course a disaster waiting to happen."

Police came across the strange scene about 150 km west of Toronto Saturday after pulling over a pickup truck hauling a horse trailer that "appeared to have people inside of it."

"The officer thought there was something weird...all he could see was little fingers and heads at the top," Wijnands said.

When the driver opened the trailer door, 54 passengers started piling out, he said.

"The officers started counting and he just kept going and going and going."

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This story basically reads like a country music video. Hasn’t this happened in a Tim McGraw song? Country boys and girls getting down on the farm!

I’m guessing there was a lot of denim piled into that horse trailer - enough to outfit Brett Favre’s entire family for three generations. Farva would have loved it!

The prospect of taking a road trip in a vessel that was loaded with horse feces with 53 other folks doesn’t sound like a dream vacation but when you’re bombed on Molson anything sounds like a good idea.