We Can't Stop? Please Try Harder

I didn’t know furries were a thing until that episode of Entourage when that lady gave Turtle a furry costume and told him to come over for sex. Then he predictably wimped out and Johnny Drama donned the furry suit.

As terrible as that scene was and as terrible as that show turned out to be, it was award worthy compared to what happened in the video above.

First of all, giant stuffed animals are creepy. Is anime porn that big of a thing that a platinum recording artist would base an entire routine on it at an awards show?

Now on the jaw dropping part. We’ve all known Miley Cyrus has a thing for twerking for a while. What we didn’t know by the helpful use of full length stretch pants was how odd her ass looks when she does it. There was pretty much no coverture in that ass whatsoever.

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2013 VMA, Artists.MTV, Music, Miley Cyrus

Now as I the most qualified critic? No, I’m technically an obese drunk with average grooming habits. But I know my limits. You’re not gonna see me rocking any muscle tees or skinny jeans. So Miley, stick to the long britches or get ass implants. Or don’t. Who am I kidding? I don’t care. More than anything last night taught me that I’m officially an old man now. I didn’t watch a second of the VMAs, which would have been appointment TV for me in my teens.

And yes, I know the Family Smith was reacting to Lady Gaga and not Miley in the shot above. But that doesn’t fit the narrative this story is going after. So as far I’m concerned they had the same reaction to Miley and it just didn’t get caught on tape. Nobody could see pancake ass like that gyrating around and not drop the jaw. Or at least scrunch your face up.

P.S. – What was Robin Thicke wearing? Did he steal the Hamburglar’s suit and cinch it up? He looked like a cross between Vanilla Ice and Beetlejuice. As goofy as he looks I do kind of enjoy that song.

They're Playing Basketball! (and hiding out in hotels)

Agent: Lamar Odom not missing

ESPN.com news services

Free-agent forward Lamar Odom is in a Los Angeles hotel, where friends are trying to get him help for an unspecified drug problem, a source told ESPN on Monday.

The information comes after Odom's agent refuted a TMZ report Sunday that his client had been missing for 72 hours after a dispute with his wife, Khloe Kardashian.

Agent Jeff Schwartz would not reveal Odom's whereabouts, telling ESPN.com's Marc Stein earlier Monday: "Lamar is not missing. His wife knows exactly where he is."

TMZ also reported that people close to Odom feared that he was involved with drugs.

Kardashian reacted angrily on Twitter to ongoing speculation about her husband, saying: "Really hard to sit here and listen to people talk s--- about my family."

Without disclosing further specifics, Schwartz added: "Playing in the NBA is still very much a part of Lamar's plans."

Odom spent last season with the Los Angeles Clippers and has been pursued in free agency this summer by the Clippers and Los Angeles Lakers.

The wedded bliss of power couple Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian has been a Back Yard Blog favorite topic for years. Ever since The Candy Man and Miss Piggy started their relationship they’ve given us classic moments like awkward interviews and broken sex swings.



Now the sad tale of a player who once seemed destined for great success has devolved into drug use and disappearing into L.A.’s underbelly. A belly that has claimed starts than his sister-in-law’s baby bump has claimed Kanye.

Watching this play out the next few weeks should be quite interesting. Will the Kardashian/Jenner clan be able to pull Lamar out of the Chateau Marmont? Is he hanging out with Amanda Bynes? When did he put down the Krackel and pick up the crack?

There may only be one way to find Lamar – a golden ticket to the Willy Wonka factory. Someone get Gene Wilder on the phone.

Also, if missing person status was determined by play on the court one could make the case Odom has been missing since 2011.

Cougar Kids Stalk Nashville

Speck, Hud Mellencamp face felony battery charges

By Laura Lane/heraldtimesonline.com

Rock star John Mellencamp’s two teenaged sons face felony battery charges stemming from a July incident during which police say they punched and kicked a 19-year-old man they assaulted on his front porch. The fight left the man with facial fractures and cuts that required stitches.

Speck Mellencamp, 18, 870 S. Woodscrest Drive, and 19-year-old Hud Mellencamp, who gave police an address on Lower Schnooner Road in Nashville, each face a charge of battery resulting in serious bodily injury. The charges were approved Thursday by Monroe Circuit Judge Marc Kellams.

Bond was set at $5,000 surety and $500 cash.

Monroe County Chief Deputy Prosecutor Bob Miller said arrangements are being made for the Mellencamps to turn themselves over to police.

Ty Smith, 19, 3330 S. Spring Branch Road, a friend of the Mellencamps, also was charged with felony battery for his alleged part in the incident. He is the son of Indiana University baseball coach Tracy Smith, and is an IU football team freshman walk-on.

Smith turned himself in at the Monroe County Jail at 5 p.m. Thursday. He was released from the jail at 7:19 p.m. after posting a $5,000 surety, $500 cash bond, according to jail records.

According to a report from BPD Detective Rick Crussen, the man who was injured had been sitting on his front porch with two friends when the Mellencamps and Smith walked up the steps. He said he asked them what they wanted, then was struck in the face by Speck Mellencamp.

After that, “he began being punched, kicked and stomped by Speck Mellencamp and the other two males. They have been identified as Hud Mellencamp and Ty Smith,” the probable-cause affidavit in the case states.

Three roommates inside the house heard the commotion, ran outside and pulled the three assailants off the man. The man said that as he stood up, Speck Mellencamp knocked him backward off the porch, a drop of several feet. The man said Speck Mellencamp continued punching with his fists until one of the roommates intervened. Witnesses said the Mellencamps and Smith then ran from the scene.

They also reported that the three did not say anything, striking without warning. People who were there confirmed that the three hit and kicked the man while he was down on the ground.

Hud Mellencamp is a trained boxer whose bouts have been reported on in The Herald-Times. The Mellencamps told police the fight was in response to Speck Mellencamp being hit in the face at a party at the house earlier that night.

Speck Mellencamp said he had tried to stop a dispute between two girls who were fighting over him and was pushed and hit by a man. He was upset by the incident and not thinking straight, he said, when he returned to the house with his brother and Smith.

During a June 5 appearance on the “Late Show” with writer Stephen King, John Mellencamp explained his black eye, pinning it on his 18-year-old son. “My son and I had words and he got a punch in and I didn’t,” he said.

"Little ditty about Speck and the Hud man
2 American kids breaking faces with their hands
Speck’s gonna beat you and leave scars
Hud will run over your legs with his daddy’s car
Oh yeah life goes on
Long after the thrill of the beatin’ is gone
Say, Oh yeah life goes on
Long after the blood on the porch is gone."

Seriously, don’t name your kids Speck and Hud or some fat blogger will ridicule them without benefit of the doubt. With names like that you have to know these kids are douchebags.

Goodbye Wisconsin!

Sorry to not get to this sad news from Hollywood sooner but troublesome daughter Laurie Foreman from That 70’s Show died while in rehab last week.

She was also the focus of a feature on the BYB last month in a post titled “You're Sentenced to Red's Foot In Your Ass” after a DUI arrest.

In lieu of flowers please send Red Foreman the tuition money he never got back after Laurie’s failed stint at the University of Wisconsin, where she began an affair with one of her professors.

On the other side Laurie joins Donna’s sister who just disappeared after the first few episodes. They didn’t even name her.

It's truly a sad time in Point Place. Tonight, we're all falling off the water tower.

Backstreet's Back to Fight!

Aaron Carter: I Got Jumped Over 'NKOTB' Turf War

tmz.com

Aaron Carter is sporting a shiner he claims he got from 4 grown men who were pissed he's performing on "New Kids on the Block" turf ... aka Boston.

Aaron, who posted some gnarly selfies after the fight, tells TMZ he was leaving dinner with a friend last night in beantown, when a huge guy approached him in the parking lot and yelled: "I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids." 

Aaron claims three other guys then jumped out of a gold Chevy Malibu ... and started the beat down, which came complete with a shot to his face.

The singer claims he landed a few punches before the NKOTB-lovers took off -- "I think my knuckles might be broken, but that's what they get. People think I'm a pretty little white boy but no way. I think I won. I'm still standing."

Aaron says he's performing as scheduled tonight, and he's not filing a police report because it's "girlie." 

Two shocking things: Who knew NKOTB fans were so hard? And ... Aaron Carter still sings?

This story doesn’t check out at all.

Don’t get it twisted - Nick Carter’s older brother definitely got his ass whipped but it wasn’t by New Kids on the Block fans.

This is just a simple case of a few drunk Massholes spotting a Backstreet Boy on the street and deciding it’d be a funny goof to rough him up in the name of a superior boy band.

It’s surprising that a video of this Guinness fueled roughhousing session hasn’t been posted to Barstool right under Guess That Ass.

But keep ya head up, Nick. You’ve still got This Is the End

Full House (of Ex-Husbands)

Jodie Sweetin Files for Legal Separation; Wants the Tot and the Toyota

tmz.com

Jodie Sweetin has filed for legal separation...TMZ has learned, and a Toyota is on the line.

The "Full House" star filed legal docs in L.A. County, citing irreconcilable differences. She married Morty Coyle in March, 2012.

Jodie and Morty have a daughter, Beatrix, who is 2. Jodie wants full custody.  

Jodie is also asking the judge to award her their 2000 Toyota Avalon. Jodie wants the judge to make her and Morty split their $200 Kohl's credit card balance.

It's Jodie's 3rd marriage.   

Jodie has had her struggles.  She's struggled with addiction -- in particular, meth, ecstasy and coke.

As I sit writing the post I’m actually watching some of Jodie’s strong work as Stephanie on Full House. She’s been caught eavesdropping on D.J.’s phone calls and is gullible enough to believe Donna Jo has a plan for revenge. Just as gullible as she was to believe her third marriage would work.

Plus, if Candace Cameron wanted to get back at you, she’d just fail to give you a copy of her brother’s movie and wait for Armageddon.

Jodie needs to realize her marriages have been failures because she needs a man like me in her life. Since I’ve got the new company ride, I could just give her the keys to the Hyundai and she could let Morty have the Toyota. Plus, I’d have no problem taking on the $200 in Kohl’s debt since I already have $80K in student loans.

This has been well thought out, Jody. You just need to relent and go with the flow – the same method you used in the crack house.

Every Dirty Kiss Begins with Kay and Ends With Cancer

REVEALED AT LAST: HOW MICHAEL DOUGLAS MADE NICE WITH IRATE WIFEY ZETA-JONES

By MIKE WALKER/National Enquirer

That “oral sex” bombshell dropped by Michael Douglas keeps on costing the embattled star – especially at home!

In last week’s analysis of shockwaves generated when he blurted that his throat cancer “is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus,” I told My Readers: “Jaws dropped all over Hollywood!...First reaction from everyone was, ‘Ohmigod, poor Catherine Zeta-Jones. How will his wife handle the obvious questions?’”

Here’s my deadline scoop, folks, revealed by a friend of Mrs. Douglas, who said: “Catherine was furious and mortified when news broke worldwide that her husband had blurted to an interviewer that his cancer was caused by HPV transmitted by oral sex. Michael immediately launched into a frenzy of apologies to his horrified wife, and desperately tried to backpedal on his statement, but the damage was done – the whole world was speculating on whether Catherine also had the virus! And nothing Michael could do would stop the whispers.”

Here’s My Kicker: Feeling miserable about embarrassing his beloved wife – who’s suffered and been hospitalized with her own issues lately – the “Behind the Candelabra” star knew apologies would never be enough, so he quietly ducked into famed jeweler Harry Winston’s in Manhattan and bought her an “I’m sooo sorry” gift – a stunning platinum diamond lariat necklace. Price tag: $40,000.(Can’t hurt, pal. Good luck!)

________________________________________________________

This answered the very first question I had when Michael Douglas first let this cat out of the bag – how is he going to get out of this one?

It’s hard to come back from talking openly about your sex life in public – especially when the candid admission is how your wife’s vagina almost killed you.

The solution? Jewelry, of course. The jeweler probably has a chart with prices for husbandly indiscretions. Now the Michael Douglas will be up on the board situated somewhere behind the Kobe Bryant.