They're Playing Basketball (and formally divorcing their wives)

Secret hearing marks end of Duncans' union

BY GUILLERMO CONTRERAS/My SA

San Antonio Spurs star Tim Duncan's marriage is officially over.

In an unusual and secret hearing Tuesday that didn't even occur at the Bexar County Courthouse, state District Judge David A. Canales granted the divorce between Duncan and his college sweetheart, Amy.

The judge later told the San Antonio Express-News that he held the hearing during his lunch hour at the offices of Tim Duncan's lawyer, Sue Hall, at her request. The couple and their lawyers were present.

Several court observers saw the special request as unusual given that so-called “home” visits by judges are not normally afforded to the general public.

“I would say it's highly unusual, but I think it would be highly disruptive for them to come to court,” said attorney Jean Brown, who practices family law.

Canales said it wasn't out of the ordinary for a judge to hold an on-the-record hearing off-site, though it was the first time he has been asked to do it.

Notice of the hearing appeared nowhere on any public docket. Canales said that when a judge gets an agreement in a divorce case, it is not necessary to give public notice of a hearing.

He added that the parties felt uncomfortable coming to court because of the possible “paparazzi” factor — people taking pictures of them or asking for autographs.

“I don't see it as doing a special favor for the sake of a favor,” Canales said. “These folks were involved in a very private matter. It was mainly for privacy.”

Details of the divorce, such as the division of assets and which parent gets custody of their two children, were not immediately released.

The filings, which used only their initials, were first reported in the Express-News as part of a series examining the increasing number of cases in which parties are identified only by initials, and how the process toes the line of legal bounds.

Why is it so important for the details of Tim Duncan’s divorce to be kept quiet? Sure, privacy and all, but why are official documents redacted with only initials listed instead of names?

There were the gay rumors that leaked on the internet a month or so ago but that can’t be it. That news isn’t big enough to have the Bexar county government locking down information more effectively than the CIA.

The truth – Tim Duncan is a robot. That’s why he showed no signs of slowing down last season and that’s why he never has anything interesting to say. Whoever “raised” him in the Virgin Islands actually created him in a lab using the skin and muscles of a recently deceased man whose jaw was unable to close properly and a super computer programmed only with basketball knowledge and the verbal skills of an average eight-year-old.

It’s either that he’s some type of jungle bigfoot that was shaved down and taught to speak in choppy sentences. There’s fishy something going on.

They're Playing Basketball! (and maybe eating free chicken fingers)

So the Dwight Howard sweepstakes has begun in earnest and our current highlights have been the most scrutinized set of billboards since JC Penney reincarnated Hitler in teapot form, a tweet from Phil Jackson and Yao Ming skyping.

But the leader in the clubhouse for bizarre free agent story is Raising Cane’s offering D12 free chicken fingers for life if he signs with the Dallas Mavericks. When you’re primed to make at least $20 million a year for the next four to five seasons free chicken fingers doesn’t seem like that much of a perk but a truly pennywise person takes advantage of these kinds of deals. Just ask the folks on Extreme Couponing who dig through the trash looking for Wal Mart ads. 

One of the guy's in my group text (who has about as much concrete information about Howard as anyone ESPN is employing to cover him) said this offer could be worth around $500,000 in chicken.

The offer coupled with the notion that Houston may not be able to meet Howard’s demands that Omar Asik and Jeremy Lin be traded for a player more famous (Linsanity is so 2012!) could land Dwight in the Big D. Sure, the Mavs may not have as much money to offer as the Rockets or a quality player under the age of 35 but they’ve got chicken and a jetsetting owner. 

This story should play out nicely for another few weeks, leading up to the Lakers’ last ditch attempt to resnag Howard, which will likely come with Kobe Bryant’s most awkward conversation since about a decade ago.